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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask you what your 12 year old DD is like

31 replies

Tinkie25 · 01/12/2018 17:25

I’m quite hormonal at the moment and would love some perspective.

DD has just turned 12

In the past few weeks she has :-

Started showing some attitude, eyes rolling and saying okay in a sarcastic voice when I speak to her about something.

I don’t give her a lot of chores, but the ones she does she doesn’t do to an acceptable standard or forgets to do them. I’d even got her a memo board to write them on to help her.

She has sneaked and eaten some of her brothers birthday chocolate/sweets. She admitted it when I asked and used her money to replace it.

She leaves a trail of destruction in her wake. She made some Christmas cards and then went upstairs leaving the table in a mess (glue, pens, glitter and card left strewn all over the table). I called her down to tidy up, which she did without too much fuss. It’s like she doesn’t see it.

Her room is a mess and it overspills to the rest of the house. I asked her to tidy it last weekend and again she did without too much of a fuss. I took some washing and put it on her bed when I noticed some washing from yesterday shoved into the corner of her shelving unit. This prompted me to investigate and she had rammed lots of stuff under it, I’m talking about dirty washing, clean washing, pens, rubbish and books etc. It was dirty and disgusting.

On a positive note, she is so caring and make me a drink when I’m due back from work. She’ll do chores that I’ve not asked her to do. I’ve asked what chores she want to do and as soon as it’s her responsibility she doesn’t do them. She’s every affectionate and does well at school.

I know it’s a big change going to secondary school and I don’t want to be too hard on her. She is usually very open with me and will tell me if something is wrong.

Any comments would be apppreciated.

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 01/12/2018 17:34

Mine is 11, and still at primary. But otherwise pretty much the same.

When she's lovely, she's great. When she's not, she's awful.

I've found that a discussion about expectations and attitudes only works when she's calm and lovely. Or we end up in a big row.

And I just try to show her I love her by making sure I'm available when she wants to talk, doing a few fun things together etc.

As for the bad behaviour, taking her tablet or phone away for a period is the most effective. :)

StupidBrexit · 01/12/2018 17:38

Essentially like a giant toddler. It's very wearing. Save me. Confused

But yes, pretty much as you described. I am really struggling especially with the sarcasm, eye rolling and disrespect as I just won't have it, so it feels like constant conflict. Tiring. Really tiring.

nellieellie · 01/12/2018 17:46

Mine is 11, but at secondary school. Sounds very similar, bedroom is disgusting - I usually give in and tidy it. Dirty clothes under the bed, assorted small animal figures/lego everywhere. Desk buried under books/notebooks/pens felt tips. Until recently assorted shoe boxes with dried grass and stones in (?). Clothes are removed and discarded where they land. She never tidies up without me telling her too - then, as yours, complies without much fuss.
But yes, she is also kind, considerate and will offer to make me a tea, help with cooking the tea, drying the dogs paws when they come in etc.

Original poster
Tinkie25 · 01/12/2018 18:13

Thanks.

It’s reassuring to know it’s not just me, but yes it is very tiring. I feel it’s a taster to what is coming during the teenage years!

OP posts:
HildaZelda · 01/12/2018 18:42

Yup. Sounds like your average 12 year old to me. My niece is 12 and can be a moody little mare.

luanmapo · 01/12/2018 19:01

My daughter is 13..... but it was year 8 (12-13) where it all changed!

It’s very very difficult. I have a 15 year old boy who is the most placid, easy to get along with child you could ever wish to meet. Didn’t have any teenage attitude changes whatsoever. But oh my, with my daughter, it’s like a whirlwind!

Even the teachers cannot believe they are siblings.

I have exactly as you describe, untidy room with various clean and dirty clothes shoved together randomly around the room. Face wipes everywhere, bin with nothing in it as it’s on the floor, just dumped!
Mice given up tidying it, her mess she can clear it up! Though bizarrely she does make her bed every day.

She is utterly vile to all the family, loud, rude and mealtimes are just awful altogether.

Nothing quite prepares you for teenagers! I’m not even sure I put my parents through this stress.

However, when she is nice.... she is cuddly, tells me she loves me at the end of every phone call and can be a wonderful outgoing young lady.

I have another girl and boy to go through the teenage years with also. Praying I will still be sane at the end of it!

treaclesoda · 01/12/2018 19:07

My 12 year old is as grumpy as hell. And easily upset, even over seemingly minor things. And she can't bear physical affection, and so we can't even reassure her with a hug.

But...she's very funny, and has good friends so we're crossing our fingers that it's just a phase.

Original poster
Tinkie25 · 02/12/2018 09:21

Feeling better after reading some of the replies.

When you’re not feeling yourself, it’s easy to think it’s personal.

OP posts:
AhoyDelBoy · 02/12/2018 09:39

Stating the obvious here but it really must depend on the child re: the mess/room thing. I was never like this. Always been tidy. I don’t understand how children are allowed to have messy, dirty rooms really. She sounds pretty normal though. Can’t say I’d be very impressed with sarcasm and eye rolling though.

toomuchsplother · 02/12/2018 09:42

Oh yes! I have one too. Bedroom is disgusting. Attitude can be awful and seems to flick like a switch.

AuntMarch · 02/12/2018 09:47

I was that child for a while. Started just before my periods did. I'd make anything into an argument!
When hormones settled a bit I think my attitude did too (it still came out monthly but not constant!)

TwistedChristmas · 02/12/2018 09:49

Your DD is a late bloomer, my DDs have been like this since age 6!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/12/2018 09:50

My 11 year old keeps bursting into tears as soon as she doesn't get all her own way. At the moment she cannot see anyone else's pov or why we might be unhappy about her behaviour - everything is someone else's fault. We have had the eye rolling and stomping upstairs.
She is still very affectionate and cuddly and generous though.

BlackeyedGruesome · 02/12/2018 09:54

mine is tidyish, helps with jobs, took out the bin without asking, is kind and considerate.

however, she flaps, claps and bounces when she is excited, (about buying bananas,) she is scared of the dark, too scared to leave school on her own, firghtened of being away from me, (other side of the room even in drs waiting rooms etc) she falls over all the bloody time.

and she is hormonal.

BlackeyedGruesome · 02/12/2018 09:56

my other autistic child has been practising being a teen for years,

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/12/2018 10:00

Yes, my 12 yo is more or less the same. Her sister, who is an actual teenager, is far more level headed and amenable!

Nanalisa60 · 02/12/2018 10:02

She is probably starting to become hormonal!! Happy days!!

Amaaboutthis · 02/12/2018 10:07

Could have written this word for word. And can I just add that she has an amazing ability to put her clothes NEXT to the washing basket rather than in it. Also, every item of clothing she has even breathed next to goes next to the washing basket rather than making the effort to put it back in the cupboard

NancyDonahue · 02/12/2018 10:08

Mine was like this. A giant toddler sums it up perfectly! She made me cry on many occasions, I felt like I was mourning my affectionate loving dd while trying to control a loud, irrational imposter. It caused a terrible atmosphere between me and dh as he wouldn't stand for any rudeness and would pick her up on every single thing, whereas I'm a 'don't sweat the small stuff' kind of person. I think consistency is the key and talking to her when she's in one of her nice moods helps. It does pass and the glimpses of the lovely dd start to appear more often.

Sidge · 02/12/2018 10:13

Mine is lovely - funny, sweet, clever and kind. Mostly.

But she is so hormonal, up and down. She can be VILE to her sister and so rude to me but I rein that in quickly and she usually backtracks sharpish.

She’s very cuddly, has a bit of a superiority complex sometimes and needs reminding she’s only 12. She can be very anxious.

Her room isn’t messy as such, she’s pretty tidy but for some bizarre reason prefers to have everything out on surfaces instead of in her drawers.

She’s discovered coffee, and loves makeup and jewellery. She’s ace.

onlyonmumnet · 02/12/2018 12:25

I don't have any teens but she sounds pretty lovely to me. I adored my mum but didn't do any chores or make her drinks etc. Thanks

Original poster
Tinkie25 · 02/12/2018 18:20

We’ve had a lovely chat today and both feel better.

We’ve tidied her room together and she’s said she’ll try and keep it tidy.

OP posts:
Fridaydreamer · 02/12/2018 18:44

12 yo DD.
“When she’s good she’s very very good, and when she’s bad she’s horrid”
Pretty much everything you describe.
But underneath it I can see she’s growing and learning. She’s really kind and loving. She’s got a sensible head. She’s not obsessed with keeping up with the crowd or acting older than she is. She’s becoming a young woman.
The mess, attitude, eye rolling etc are all worth it and normal. Just keep being her rock and you’ll do fine.

Teedeepie · 02/12/2018 19:09

Sounds like a normal 12 year old to me. Mine can be hormonal, non communicative, very untidy and generally a grumpy mare some days. And others back to her younger self and a little sweetie.

I am trying to give her a little slack as she has struggled with the transition to secondary school and compared to some of the stories I have heard she isn't so bad.

I hope this phase will pass but who knows what the next will bring Shock.

I am glad you had a nice afternoon. We did too, decorating the tree Smile

ghostsandghoulies · 02/12/2018 20:10

Sounds very similar to my 12 year old ds.