Lack of er empathy?

[Attilathehunny]

Using AIBU on purpose rather than relationship for the well... straightforward answears! Been with man for 2 years both 40s so usual complications re Exs, kids, money blah blah blah ( another thread believe me!) anyway long story short myself and all my mates are nurses / teachers / left wingers.
Bloke - super funny, clever, kind, great dad, supportive ex, intelligent, successful etc etc. earns WAY more than me ( not more successful as far as I’m Concerned- just in different more lucrative world) and most people I know.....,Couldn’t give a shiny shit about anyone outside his family. No charity. No interest. Hmmm

So different from my world. What’s does mumsnet think ?? Deal breaker? I find it bizarre sometimes.

Well put it this way.
I couldn't be with selfish fuck you as long as I'm alright Jack pratt.
I fully believe in the wheel of fortune It moves constantly and what goes around eventually comes around.
He may find himself in need of help one day.

It’s a question of core values. His are opposite to yours. I don’t think I could be with someone in the long term whose core values so greatly opposed mine.

My partner is quite similar to yours and I work with vulnerable adults so in a caring role. We’re like chalk and cheese but we get along and we love each other and he doesn’t complain when I do things for other people so I can’t really grumble. You’ll know if it’s a deal breaker for you

You described him as kind but only kind to the people he chooses to be kind to? It’s reminded me of a meme I saw recently. I’ll find it for you cos everyone loves a bit of Tom Hardy 😍. I’m picturing someone quite arrogant from your description........ only you know the answer to this and whether it’s a deal breaker but it’s defo a turnoff I’d imagine!

😍

I’m gonna ask a lot more questions if I get Tom hardy answers! He is arrogant to an extent... but only that he dosent appreciate his good fortune ( male, white, middle class good school, good parents) I have NEVER seen him be rude to anyone. In fact as soon as someone is world ie waiter he’s super kind and inclusive.
Random single parents losing benefits, people with drug dependence etc totally uninterested. He reads 4 newspapers a day so it’s not like he’s unaware of he consequences.

I think it can work, opposites attract and all that. You might challenge each other to consider things from new viewpoints and act outside your comfort zone. Or you might talk about other things but tolerate the things the other chooses to do. It'll only become a problem if one of you decides it's your duty to covert the other.

One of the reasons that I love DP is that we share core values. I would really struggle to be with someone who didn't give a shit about anyone outside their immediate circle.

Mind you I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who had shite taste in music either so maybe I'm not the best person to comment

The only opinion that matters is yours, and the fact that you are posting here means you aren't against the idea. So give it a go and see where it goes.

I couldn't be with someone who just didn't care about other people. My DH had to dig deep and find his inner humanitarian before I'd consider a serious future with him.

Does he ever donate to charity? Does he help colleagues having a tough time? Would he take an elderly neighbour’s bin to the end of the street/get them some milk when the road is icey? I’d be less worried about what he thinks about strangers and more how he behaves to those close. If he’s just as lacking in compassion then it would be a deal breaker for me

Never donates to charity, did carry friends large son on his shoulders for 2 miles as mum and kid were struggling. ( we were hiking) Wouldn’t know his neighbours. Did see 2 people unconscious in a car and thought probably drunk and drove off without checking or caring. My thought was prob overdose & would have tried to help. That one shocked me... those people might be dead.

We’re all complex and no one is one thing or another i don’t think i.e good or bad. My husbands comes from a wealthy background but he’s unbelievably compassionate. He’s always helping people - not as in volunteering or anything but he pulled over and helped a guy who had broken down the other day. He gave an old lady a lift home cos it was raining badly and she was carrying a lot of bags, that sort of thing. My friends husband is more like yours (by the sounds of it). She really hates it but loves him so it’s just become a bit like 🙄 you know what he’s like! Over the years I’ve noticed he has some very kind ways just not in the same way. Maybe your partner will develop his empathetic skills from being with you. He doesn’t sound terrible.