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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for feeling really confused and a bit let down?

18 replies

StormySunshine · 01/12/2018 12:25

My DH and I wanted to drop off advent calendars today for my DSD, DSG and partner. Were told that it won't be convenient, as her mother is visiting for the day. Now, some background. My DSD moved in with us at 14yrs old and went no contact with her mum, after it came to light (she told me) that she was abused for years by her stepfather. Her own mum didn't believe her but we have been behind my DSD since. Police were involved but DSD decided not to testify in court, so he was only interviewed. Her mum never tried to contact her, apart from sending abusive emails, etc. My DSS (10yrs older) also went NC when all this came to light (he still is). Our own relationship has been really good - we were supportive when she got pregnant at 17, bought a flat for them near us, helped out financially quite a bit, she even wanted me present at my dsgs's birth! Recently, I found out from my DSS that their mum has been in contact and is now meeting with my DSD, telling her that she now believes her, even though she still lives with same man! AIBU to feel really confused and a little bit resentful that after all this?

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 01/12/2018 12:30

I can see why you’re confused but you really can’t be resentful about her building a relationship with her mother.

Workreturner · 01/12/2018 12:33

Big sensitive issue
And you’re getting hung up about being told it wasn’t convenient to drop around some calendars

Come on OP

LadyLaSnack · 01/12/2018 12:39

You can’t be serious?

seventhgonickname · 01/12/2018 12:43

Send her a text saying that you understand and hope all goes well today.
You don't know how it will go,she may still need your support in future.Also it's not a competition,she will have room in her life for all of you.

Omunye · 01/12/2018 12:46

This really isn't about you.

Howhot · 01/12/2018 12:49

YANBU for being confused and a bit baffled. It sounds like you've been really supportive. It's a difficult situation but I think you need to take a step back and keep your thoughts to yourself here and let her figure this out for herself

Original poster

StormySunshine · 01/12/2018 12:55

Sorry, the calendars were, I guess the tipping point. It's more to do with the whole issue - that woman has been an extremely toxic presence in all our lives. I am so concerned and also confused: if she truly believes my DSD, how can she still possibly live with that man? And if she still doesn't - how can my DSD accept her back in her life? And, yes, I probably ABVU for feeling resentful that after all she has put us through, my DSD can accept her back in her life, without her making any real amends... After all, she is her real mum, so I guess that trumps all else...

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 01/12/2018 13:04

Oh OP. Bless you. It doesn’t trump you and all you have done for her, that’s always still going to be there. You aren’t going to be replaced x

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 01/12/2018 13:06

It's not about her "trumping" anything. She probably desperately wants her mother to be a mum to her, as she hasn't been. It really has nothing to do with how she feels about you, it's more about hire she feels about herself. It's damn hard too be rejected by a parent, no McCartney hire many other wonderful people see in your life, even those who step into the parent role.
Try and step back and support her, she'll probably need you more than ever if her mother is back on the scene but hasn't actually changed. Try not to think of it as a competition, because if you do, it's dsd who will lose.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 01/12/2018 13:07

Oh my, so many typos! Hopefully you can make sense!

notsorighteousthesedays · 01/12/2018 13:08

No wonder you are in turmoil - Christmas (and birthdays) bring heightened emotions and there is lots going on for you. I don't blame you for feeling as if you're being rejected but you're not. There has to be a whole mountain of unresolved stuff in your DSDs head, hopefully she may get some answers. You are also right to be concerned that this could all go very wrong. However, there is nothing you can do at this stage except swallow your hurt, maintain your good relationships with her and her family, and be around if (when) she asks for/needs support. Get on with your plans for the festive season and include her when you can. I hope things work out.

CurcubitaPepo · 01/12/2018 13:13

What seventh said. Xxx

Chamomileteaplease · 01/12/2018 13:20

It's early days. If this is the first visit from her mum for years it may go horribly wrong. As you said if she is still with the abusing stepfather, then how can she and her mother build any sort of relationship?

I would give it time. Not sure how old the DSD is now but be there for her. Let her know she can still talk to you. She sounds like she is in a vulnerable situation where her mother is concerned.

Ceecee18 · 01/12/2018 13:23

I think it's understandable that you resent her mother but have to accept that she wants to rebuild their relationship and support your DSD as best you can, she's bound to be feeling very conflicted over the situation.

I would be watching the situation and raise concerns with her if her mother is eventually being left alone with your DSDs children. Presumably your DSD would be sensible enough to not allow this but I would be wary of her mother regaining your DSDs trust and then allowing her partner contact with them.

AliceRR · 01/12/2018 13:24

See how it goes OP. I can understand why this is a big issue for you. Sounds like DSD is like a daughter to you so of course you might feel a bit slighted and also concerned for DSD. Just see what happened and be there if she needs you as I personally wouldn’t rely on her mother staying around based on what you’ve said.

RebelWitchFace · 01/12/2018 13:32

I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. You are the constant,loving,safe, reliable adult. Yhe adult she can trust.Her mum and their relationship is flighty,uncertain and basically a house of cards. Of course she'll give it more care and attention, at least until she can figure out what she wants.

Atm she wants her mummy(probably made even worse by her having a child and xmas coming soon). A lot of people still hold in to that hopr no matter how appallingly they were treated.

Sadly, I don't see this going well so make sure you're there to support her when things will fall apart.

Original poster

StormySunshine · 01/12/2018 13:33

Thank you all for your kind words - it does help! Ceecee18 I don't even want to think about what would happen (my DH's reaction), if that man goes anywhere near them! My DSS is also very concerned - he knew they've met a couple of times but for her to be coming over for the day is quite the shock for us all. Thinking of talking to my DSD's partner who knows the story. She has only just turned 21.

OP posts:

theredjellybean · 01/12/2018 13:45

OP..i can understand why you feel resentful, i think it is completely normal and you are only human.
Your dsd and dsg are lucky to have you, and i am sure they know that.
Maybe she doesnt want you upset or her dad upset by having you there when her mum is there ?
How ever hard it is ( and i know it is very hard) try to be the bigger person here and txt her saying that's fine, hope it goes well and we will pop over tomorrow with your advent calenders.

in the long run you can't control this situation and i think you are allowed to feel how you feel, i'd be confused, upset , feel a bit rejected etc and certainly did when one of dsd who had moved in with us suddenly started saying how great her mum was, when i had effectively been parenting her through the tricky teenage years.

Now its nice she and her mum have a good relationship and i know that she feels her home is with me and her father. But it took a lot of biting of my tongue and being the bigger person

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