Bit of background - my son is 11 and his dad is quite untrustworthy and shit. He always has ‘reasons’ and thinks of himself as a victim. He doesn’t prioritise our son and is exceptionally selfish a lot of the time.
He is officially supposed to see him 3 times a week but seems to consider it flexible around whatever else he has going on. My son is keen to see him and asks me to check he’s coming every time which puts me in a difficult situation. His dad has form for not letting us know he’s not coming unless I ask. I find it difficult to navigate and have tried to sort it out many times over the years but have now reached a point where I have to minimise the time I spend thinking about it and accept that he will always be shit, because nothing changes and I end up very stressed.
He has had a few girlfriends over the years who have been introduced to our son. They have mostly been long term but he introduces them quite quickly. I suspect it is so he doesn’t have to see them seperately and it is convenient for him as they often have a car and he doesn’t. He moved in with the current gf within a few weeks of moving out of the house of the previous one. They have been together for just under a year.
His dad is going through a period of making effort again at the moment - still not entirely consistent, but better than before. He has signed him up for some classes, but has now taken a job which involves working away during the week. He arranged one of the lessons during the weeknight he has him, and another on my weekend morning without asking me. It is quite typical for him to behave like this and I end up rearranging things so my son doesn’t miss out. I have gone along with it because we don’t actually have plans on that morning, and my son is really old enough to choose so I don’t want to spoil his fun.
He has started sending his girlfriend to take our son on the weeknight class. This is officially during his time. I feel a little uncomfortable with it as this is a physical class and she obviously doesn’t have parental responsibility or know my son that well. But again, he’s older and he likes her and doesn’t have a problem with it, so I’ve been ok with it. I asked that she bring him straight back, whereas his dad would normally have him for tea, and she did. She apparently asked my son to ask whether it was ok for her to take him to her moms house after the class and give him tea in future. I know that my son has been spending a lot of time with her family (his dad tends to get ‘in’ with gfs families very quickly and spend lots of time with them, work with them etc). But I’m not happy with it when he’s not there. I don’t think she has any ulterior motive, I think she thinks she is being nice but... she’s not his step parent. This girlfriend may disappear like the others have. I’m not that happy for his gf to effectively be having contact time with my son instead of his dad. However, I also feel pretty rude saying ‘you are good enough to act as chauffeur to my son but that’s it’, because I am pleased that he still gets to take the lesson.
She has just turned up to pick him up for the lesson, when I was expecting his dad. It’s the one which is in my official time. I was a bit surprised by it. I asked where his dad was and She said he’d come back from work in the early hours so is still in bed. Again, I am pleased that he is still getting to attend the lesson, but I don’t really like the situation. However, my son is older, so I’m not talking about a very young child here. He is capable of telling me if he doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t tend to speak against his dad. He seems happy to go with her instead.
What would you do in this situation? I’m not sure whether to let this continue. I can’t rely on his dad to put our son first when making decisions. I don’t have a problem with my son seeing the gf, but having her in sole charge and taking him out makes me uncomfortable. I also don’t want him to miss out and I can’t take him to the lesson myself. I’m not sure what is reasonable!