I don't know if I'm just having a self pity party or if these are really reasons to be down.
So my partner who I have two girls with (5month old and 2.5 year old), he isn't helping much. After our first child he made us leave his house (that he got a mortgage for which I was not on yet he asked me to pay half it, I said no which we then agreed on then he every month "didn't have the money for it" I had just inherited money so I paid him and now I'm left with no money) we left the house and moved to my current house. He then wanted to get back together. I found out he'd tried to sleep with a girl but only managed to kiss her since she didn't want him since he had a kid. Then we were off again then he wanted me back again so I forgave him and got back. Then I was pregnant with our second child. Which he then abandoned me and our first child again to go back to live with his parents. His parents made him do this for reasons I don't understand. In this time he friended his ex again and was sharing beds with girls. He was telling me he loved me during this time and still wanting to be affectionate. I didn't become aware of these girls until recently. During all this time he never paid for our first child and constantly called me the worst things ever when I was pregnant. He made me feel ashamed to be pregnant and like it's something we should have never done and hidden. He is 21 and I'm 22 and he claims we are "practically kids ourself" and he should never have had kids and wishes me and him never met. He calls our relationship toxic yet he can't leave me and thinks I'm prefect. Then after our second child was born my crazy hormones wanted him at the birth and then fell back in love with him. He seemed to change and grow up a little for our second child but this quickly has changed. Tonight we've fallen out because both our kids got up constantly and I spoke about needing to go to the dentist tomorrow and he was telling me how ugly my teeth are. I've always been told they are nice but I have a fake front one which really upsets me and brings me down.
After all these things happen with us I then remember my relationship before him where my ex would steal money off me and my mum and lied about his grandfather dying after I told him about my dad and gran passing in the same week because he was jealous of the attention I got from it.
And to bad friendships where my friend basically bullied me. We studied law together and he'd say in front of friends aww no one will ever be as bad as I was at exams or as dumb as I was whilst putting himself and our other friends up. Then when we got a flat together looked me in the eyes and said no matter what room you want you'd get what I tell you you're getting. And telling me if I left my shampoo in the bathroom again he'd go threw me like a tonne of bricks. But then at the same time told me I was his favourite person and he'd not cope at uni without me etc
Am I having a pity party or do I need to wise up and change myself so I'm not an easy target for manipulation? Everything just gets me so down and I feel like this will always be my life relationship wise and friendship wise. I don't feel worthy of being treated as an equal to friends/relationships anymore and I have no confidence in myself or appearance. Everything just gets me so down and I feel super alone from this.