To ask those of you who are close to your parents - what was your childhood like?

[GunpowderGelatine]

My Dad sadly passed away six years ago and I have an extremely fraught relationship with my mother for various reasons. I would hate to go to hers for Christmas and find it very taxing to just have a conversation with her. DH's family on the other hand are very close and there's a lot of laughter and happiness running through them all.

I've lately been wondering when the tense relationships started and thought back to my childhood. We've lived in an immensely stressful household. It was a very 'shouty' house - not a day went by without an argument. My mum found parenting very difficult and showed it. She absolutely lived (and still lives) to make my stepdad happy and put up with so much and sacrificed a lot to please him. Not that he thanked her for it - he's had countless affairs throughout their 30 year marriage. We got a bit of respite going to dad's (mum and dad split before I was 1) which was a far more peaceful household!

DH says his house was nothing like that. His parents had very traditional roles - his dad worked and his mum was a SAHM and lived and breathed her children, and genuinely enjoyed being a mother. It was a very child centred house in little ways - holidays would be to places with kids clubs and pools and they all got opportunities to do activities like dance/gymnastics/football etc (we didn't get to do activities and we had very 'adult' holidays which were quite boring).

So can I ask people who are now very close to their parents - what was your childhood like? I'm suddenly very aware that I'd like to not eff this whole parenting thing up

my upbringing sounds similar to yours (adult activities, nothing aimed at me, I was to fit in with their lives etc). My mum was wealthy from a large family inheritance but too busy working (for extra money we didnt need) to spend time with me and was a shouty parent too due to the stress of her work. Do not remember her ever watching a movie with me or taking me anywhere.

DHs dad died when he was little and his mum lived for her 4 children. She worked hard in minimum wage jobs to give them everything and holidays were focused around them. Disneyland and theme parks were some. She also offered/provided all childcare for her grandchildren when they came along. She is in an incredible, giving lady who would do anything for her children and is always buying me little trinkets or texting to see how I am. Never heard her shout or swear. They are very close and I prefer her to my own DM, so she does get invited to more things and sees more of the grandchildren.

I don't know, but can relate what I've seen.
My OH and siblings were always very close to their parents, yet have spent their entire lives (parents and children) squabbling over petty stuff. Oneupmanship really.
My siblings and I were not particularly close to our parents, but as adults we love and respect them. And each other.

My dad has died. Both are more affectionate as they aged. Mum wasn't a cuddly mum, but our house was filled with love. We were skint growing up, but have only realised that as an adult, maybe most people were, by today's standards. Wouldn't them for the world.

I’m very close to my mum. I idolized her as a child. She was timid - quiet and kind, loving and very, very physically affectionate. We were broke but her world revolved around her children so she would work hard and sacrifice her own needs to make sure we got lots of opportunities in life. She always found a way to pay for gymnastics/dance class/swimming/school tours etc.

My dad on the other hand was a selfish twat who walked all over her and was a lazy parent. They divorced when I was about 20 and it was only since having my own children ten years later that I really saw just how great she was and how very shit he was, and I’ve now gone NC with him.

The one thing I would say is that I feel my mum shouldn’t have sacrificed so much of herself. My younger sister is more like my dad and sees my mums kindness as weakness so can take advantage of her at times and shows a clear lack of respect. I’m trying to be conscious of that with my own children - prioritizing them but also placing importance on my own needs and boundaries so they don’t see me as a “soft touch”.

I grew up in care for my first ten years and moved in with my parents just after my 10th birthday. 27 years on I still remember on the day I moved in my parents telling me there'd be days I hated them, days they hated me, but that was it for keeps and nothing I could do could stop them being my parents. They kept their word and loved me more than I could ever have dreamed was possible, giving me all the kindness and strength and stability they had to offer.

I'm very close to them still and haven't ever considered looking for birth parents (I know my birth dad died a few years back and whilst it wasn't a particularly nice feeling, refusing to go and "make my peace" as my older sister suggested, I also know that the only parents I have are the ones who raised me and taught me how to be a happy person).

Family holidays were spent adventuring and doing stuff we loved - for one birthday they took me Paris to see a painting I'd fallen in love with, and nearly all of the memories I have with my parents are gorgeous ones.

I don't think there are any foolproof ways to raise happy, lovely children, but the feeling that you are cherished and adored despite your flaws, that's got to be a vital part of it.

I’m very close with my parents - only child. At times my relationship with my mum has been difficult and a bit fraught but ultimately I have been incredibly loved and spoiled. I was always put first as a child - child centric holidays, days out etc. Always read to, drawn with, encouraged to write stories and play games etc. As a result I am a very secure and confident adult, and aim to give the same wonderful childhood to my own children one day.

It wasn't always easy in our house. My mum suffered PND when she had my older sister and it morphed into general depression.
My sister was a cow to me, she specialised in getting other kids to be horrible to me.
My dad worked long hours and was away a lot.
That said my mum refused to take valium or similar and instead focussed her energy in a positive way. She started a self help group (this was in the seventies) and made a big group of friends.
Her mental health improved a lot when she decided to go back to work and eventually she found a job she loved.
My dad was a great dad but he was away so much it was hard for him to have that much input. He had lost his job several times due to redundancy and couldn't find anything else for a long time.
We were pretty skint until I was mid teens.
I am very close to my parents. My sister I tolerate.
I think it's important to remember that parents are human and most are just doing their best. Kids don't always come along when it's a good time and life is not always easy. I got a new respect for my parents when I had my children. My dad worked hard to provide and must have been pretty lonely.
My mum could be hard to live with but I am very proud of her for channelling her energy into something positive and helping others.
When I got PND she really helped me.

Obviously I'm not trying to excuse abusive parents.

Idontbelieveinthemoon - that's such a lovely post :)

I’d love to know the consus on this, too. I don’t have a brilliant relationship with my family, neither does my husband with his. Now I’ve come to accept certain things, I rub along fairly nicely with my mum and my kids adore her, but I don’t want my children to have to stomach a load of bad feelings and be NC with each other - it would break my heart and I would consider it a massive personal failure. Having read the few responses above, I’m a bit more confident of being on the right track. We do argue in front of them sometimes, but never turns nasty or particularly loud.... I actually have the (maybe totally misguided) view that it’s healthy for them to see that people don’t always agree and get on, but it can be discussed and resolved fairly. We do a lot of stuff just purely for their delight and enjoyment. Not ‘things’, but yes we have taken them to Disneyland, legoland, all the bloody lands, every single party they get an invite to, special places for birthdays. I liked the pp story about being taken to Paris - I’ve done exactly the same for my son. Cheap flight, day off school, trip to the Louvre and the cosiest and loveliest dinner we’ve ever had, then back home. I hope he remembers that it was magical. The others have all had birthday trips to where they’ve wanted to go. My eldest went for the weekend with just my husband to Blackpool, of all the places to choose from. He’d seen it in a magazine I showed him and was obsessed, so he went. My mum always thinks I’m mental for doing this sort of thing, which makes me think at least they won’t feel like nobody gives a shit about them, like I did growing up. My MIL thinks they’re spoilt and laments the old ways of raising children, like how she dumped my husband for weeks and months on end with anyone that would have him.... she goes a bit nuts when I gently mention that this might be the reason none of her (many) children really visit or spend time with her. Does doting on a child and spoiling them with afffection ruin a kid?? Was anyone on here absolutely adored as a child and subsequently had a dreadful life? I should add that I don’t traipse round picking up after my kids and I won’t be doing much housework for them once they hit their teens, ie they’ll be expected to pull their weight around the house and they already make their beds, tidy up at the end of playing, put their plates away etc. I don’t intend to turn them into dreadful entitled adults. Gah. Even thinking about it is pretty scary, it’s all essentially one big experiment!!

* consensus!!!

I was brought up in a big family. My parents were always there. They made every sacrifice for us. Most of my best memories are of my mom just listening to me, hearing my stories about school, friends etc and just being interested.( just dawned on me that that is exactly what l do now with mine)
She suffered from anxiety. Who wouldn't with so many children. For a while l resented that but as l got older l understood that more and accepted it. My dad was a very steady solid rock in my whole life, totally dedicated to us kids and very loving. We were all extremely close to him.
I am very close to all my siblings and get great support from them and enjoy their company a lot.it wasn't an ideal upbringing but as l got older l more and more appreciated the solidity of it and that gave me a great foundation. One of the biggest things l appreciate is that neither of my dps drank as l have so many friends whose childhood was marred by alcohol.
We didn't have holidays just days out and lots of visits to aunties and cousins. We played lots of sport and were involved in every activity possible and my dps spent hours driving us places.

I grew up with love and lots of money , both parents worked but it was still a fairly happy home .. I think fondly of my childhood . My dad has sadly died but mum is around. I don't have much in common with her but we jog along ok.. I love her and I'm grateful for the life she gave me .
I hope my dd views her childhood in the Same way.

I want to be a different parent than my mum. At times our lives revolved around making her happy and walking on egg shells. It gave me huge anxiety and has often meant I put up with alot to avoid confrontation. I couldn't bear for my child to go through that.