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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should we do for Christmas?Aibu

14 replies

Blueblueyellow · 30/11/2018 20:51

2 DC under 2,spent Christmas at my DFs house last year.It should be my ILs this year but my DF has cancer. He had cancer last year too but at that stage it was hopefull, it has now returned and they are trying a new treatment but it's not looking good.He has maybe 2 years. Talked to DP about it tonight and he said well it could have been my DGFs last Christmas but I'm not saying that. His DGF died last month. He hasn't even spent Christmas with them since he was a child. Honestly if it was one of his parents who was sick, he wouldn't even have to ask me. I know I am emotional about it and if I am being U I'd like to know your thoughts.Just to add, I don't have my DM either. It's me and 3 DBs.Also they live 2 hours away and we have to take a train so can't do morning there and evening with my family.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 30/11/2018 21:10

We do two Christmas's (not sure of how to spell plural Christmas ). On my side we've had multiple sudden bereavements and my dad has cancer. DH's mum has been very ill. We alternate Christmas Day but do Christmas or New Year with either set. We make both occasions very special.
Christmas Day itself doesn't matter to me - it's just an opportunity to have a good day together and with a bit of thought that can be achieved on different days.
Not sure that helps....

EmUntitled · 30/11/2018 21:13

Invite both families to yours for Christmas? It sounds like neither of you have big family so if they get on well maybe they could all come together.

I think maybe you are worrying too much about it being on "the day". The kids won't know it's Christmas day, they will just be excited to see family and have presents. They will enjoy it just as much if it's on Christmas Eve or boxing day. So could you do Christmas day at one family and boxing day on the other but on boxing day still have Turkey and crackers like a second Christmas? Just because it's not on the 25th December doesn't mean you can't have a nice Christmas with your dad.

Dermymc · 30/11/2018 21:15

Invite them to you. Or do two Christmases on different days.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 30/11/2018 21:15

Assuming you can't host christmas at yours? I think it's reasonable to go to see your DF again this year just make sure his family gets a really god long visit.

Km06 · 30/11/2018 21:16

We have similar set up but we did his mams house two years running because of breavement before and just after xmas day its my mams turn this year so i would go to your fathers

Original poster
Blueblueyellow · 30/11/2018 21:28

The idea is to spend 4 days at his family, go there Christmas Eve and back the day after Boxing day. I know the DC won't know but my DF loves Christmas as do most people but he bloody loves it altogether.It's my first Christmas away from home and was going to be different for me anyway but just with my DFs prognosis it's making it really difficult and everytime I think about it I burst into tears.My DF told me himself it wouldn't be fair and that we should go to his DPs. Not to drip feed but its not possible to host at mine, one of my DBs has sevear mental health issues and can't leave the house.So that's not an option. I suppose I'm just more disappointed/upset because I had to ask iykwim.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueblueyellow · 30/11/2018 21:36

*it's my first Christmas away from home.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 30/11/2018 21:48

Oh love. That's hard. Could you offer to spend 4 days over NYE at your IL's?

I've been married 15 years. We alternate every Christmas except the year after my mum died when I refused, nobody quibbled it.

Notonthestairs · 30/11/2018 21:50

I am also going to say this (hopefully gently) just because your DH hasn't spent Christmas at home for a while doesn't mean he can't want to now. Factor that when you talk about it now.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 30/11/2018 21:52

I would invite them all to you if you can..

Original poster
Blueblueyellow · 30/11/2018 21:57

Thanks everyone I will talk to him again about it but just not tonight.He just said to me I can spend Christmas with my DF and he will go to his family with the DC. That's the compromise. I don't even know what to think about that, it feels so unsupportive.I'm trying to see it from his POV but I'm not getting it.

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user1484424013 · 30/11/2018 22:02

He is an arsehole. Disgusting behaviour and taking your dc away from mummy at Christmas with a sick father what a prize. If he is not on your side with this then what the fuck will he be like in other issues. Call his bloody mother and explain. Tell her why your pissed off and offer a compromise but if people can't get on board with death and illness then why are you with these people you deserve better

Original poster
Blueblueyellow · 30/11/2018 22:10

user1484424013 yea his DM wouldn't even think twice about me going to my DFs for Xmas and I know she would expect me to go and support me. She's a lovely woman. It's like my Dp just had a personality transplant. He is usually very chilled out. But on the other hand we have never had something like this happen before.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 30/11/2018 22:19

Can you speak to your MIL and ask her to speak to your partner?

I was in your shoes 2 years ago with my DM and it was DH's sister who didn't speak to me the whole of last Xmas as she was upset that she hadn't spent 2 Xmas days in a row with her brother... never mind the fact that the first was because it was my DM's last Xmas and the second was because I didn't want to be around loads of people for on Xmas day (although we did go round in the evening to see all of the in laws!)

People need to get over themselves when the circumstances are like this! It's disgusting to be so uncaring and unsympathetic about someone they are supposed to love and support

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