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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no, I don't want another baby!

42 replies

poptartprincess · 30/11/2018 00:50

So I have a little girl (one on Sunday already ) and I had a horrific pregnancy. I had hyperemesis, was on crutches the whole time and had a blood clot in my lung. Im fairly certain I was in the hospital more than I was out of it! When she was born she wasn't breathing and was completely blue, and I suffered for months with nightmares and paranoia about finding her like that again. Honestly it's put me off of the whole idea of another baby. But people just won't stop bugging me about it. My DM, MIL, DSis, and DH. Even the HV! It's constantly "so when's the next one?" And when I say I don't want another it's always "you're depriving her of growing up with a sibling, it's cruel." or "You can't be serious? DD will get lonely!". "Why not, don't you like being a mum?"

AIBU to say screw all of them. It's my body and I can't mentally or physically go through that again, especially with a dependent child too. They're making me feel like a bad person and parent for not wanting to have another baby. But my small family is enough for me...

I feel like I'm letting everyone down...

OP posts:

BackWhenIWas4 · 30/11/2018 00:52

You are not letting anybody down. Nobody should pressure you over your reproductive choices but unfortunately there's always someone who has an opinion and does my have the basic good manners to keep it to themselves.

BackWhenIWas4 · 30/11/2018 00:53

Does NOT have the basic good manners...

Emelene · 30/11/2018 00:56

Of course YANBU. It is up to you and your partner.

It might be worth exploring some counselling around her birth though - to help you, and to discover if you would want to be a mum again if you can get help with those issues?

But you may absolutely decide you only want your lovely daughter, and that is a legitimate choice. xxx

Aquamarine1029 · 30/11/2018 01:45

Fuck ALL of them. I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood. Don't listen to any of that only child nonsense. If you don't want another you don't have to justify that to anyone.

Cokezeroisyummy · 30/11/2018 01:51

I had a horrible pregnancy too and now have one child. I'm done with one, I can't do that again. Is very cruel of your DP not to support your decision, he saw how horrific your pregnancy was. Why does he think his wish for another child outweigh your physical and mental wellbeing.

Sparklyboots · 30/11/2018 01:55

A clot on your lungs sounds awful. Pregnancy is life threatening and you don't do well during it. It is protectice of your DD not to do it again

seventhgonickname · 30/11/2018 01:59

I would point out that your dd would also miss out on having a mum if your last pregnancy was anything to go by.

ohwhatname · 30/11/2018 02:01

As the daughter of an only child - who has maintained that her mothers decision 80 yrs ago to have only one - was a selfish decision imposed on her by my grandmother- and that she still considers it a hugely unfair thing to impose on a child for whom this decision will not be of their making but be entirely theirs to bare.. I think I do think it unfair.

This isn't to say that you need to be pregnant again though. Adoption is always an extremely valid alternative.

Psychonaut · 30/11/2018 02:09

YANBU!

I also had a horrific pregnancy, and when people start asking those stupid fucking questions, I see red! I don't care if I am seen as selfish or whatever, it's just none of their business!

PhDUK · 30/11/2018 02:24

Firstly, many congratulations! Secondly, I also suffered with hyperemesis with my 2nd pregnancy, and not due untilanother 2 months. Lastly, cherish every moment with your baby and ignore what others say or ask!

StoppinBy · 30/11/2018 02:28

We finally went back after 4 years..... that's how long it took me to get over my first pregnancy/birth.

After the second my hubby had the snip because no way were we going back for a third.

Tell them that when they are willing to carry the baby, birth and raise it then they can have a say in if or when you have a second.

Topseyt · 30/11/2018 02:39

You aren't at all unreasonable. You had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth and it is your call whether to try again.

Tell them all to sod off.

And I notice we also already have the advice to adopt, as if everyone wants to adopt and it is just that easy.

brookshelley · 30/11/2018 02:40

People will never stop making those comments. I have two and people are asking when am I having a third. I usually ask them if they're ready to financially sponsor this new baby and they usually stop asking after that!

kateandme · 30/11/2018 02:47

are you close with your family.becasue telling them what you have told us.id say this,deffinitely to my mum anyway and she would then get it.and if she didn't then screw em!
that's perfectly good reason you have given and its sounds like your more terrified than don't necessarily don't want one?so you might change your mind or become more comfortable with it again.BUT even if you don't and one is all you want its totally your decision.
let what they say wash ove rhtem or tell them your reasons.and tell them the bloody pressure isn't helping.
I think some people in general just for making convo about kids tend to say about another.but I don't think they mean anything by it.lots of people come from big families or more than one child so it just a natural assumption for them.as long as they don't add the bit of guilt and pressure about ur dd being lonely then try to take it as it is.
but don't let them make you feel guilty.youve done brilliantly to come to hwre you have after suffering so much throughout your firstborn.and im sorry that happened to you.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 30/11/2018 02:50

People can be so rude & insensitive about onelies and parents that have them. There's a great FB site (if you're on there) called My first, my last, my everything (cheesy name, supportive group) for parents of onelies for all kinds of reasons, some out of choice some not. I had a bit of a run in this week with a woman at work who kept telling me I had to have a second child & it was wrong to deprive of siblings etc! I had to work hard not to tell her to fuck the fuck off so I feel your pain.
Your child will be loved and that's what matters.

Original poster

poptartprincess · 30/11/2018 10:18

Thank you all. It's reassuring to hear this from you all. And I'd happily adopt if the time ever came that we were ready for another child, however I just don't think pregnancy was for me. I'm on a waiting list for therapy about it (have been since 5 weeks pp,) but it doesn't seem like that'll happen anytime soon.

OP posts:

Lamona · 30/11/2018 10:33

Only wanting 1 child for whatever reason is entirely reasonable. It's no one else's choice and if you read other threads about only children then you'll see some people were overjoyed to be an only child, some didnt like it, some loved having siblings, some hate/d them. So nothing is the 'right' thing to do
In your case you have 1,000,000 reasons why you don't want another pregnancy (or child for now) and none of them need justifying to anyone else at all.
"We are really happy with our family as it is and don't want any more". Repeat ad nauseaum.

Lamona · 30/11/2018 10:33

I hope you get the help you need.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 30/11/2018 10:42

YANBU

During the pregnancy with my second child I was ill the whole time. I couldn’t work and barely left the house. It meant that everyone else had to look after my older DC, do the housework and bring shopping to us (before the days of online deliveries!). After DC2 was born, nobody asked if I was having another one and I think my DM and DMIL hoped I wouldn’t!

You need to point out to everyone who asks that if you have a repeat of your first pregnancy they will have to do your housework, cooking and childcare. Will DH be willing to pay to hire a full time nanny and housekeeper in order to have another child? Or give up work for a while to look after your DC?

hammeringinmyhead · 30/11/2018 10:44

Yanbu. I had a good pregnancy, and am currently cuddling my 4 week old DS, but he is my one and done. I'm an only child and never wanted siblings, and DH has no desire to see me go through labour again. And neither of us fancy doing the newborn stage again as it's exhausting. It is entirely your decision.

Ninoo25 · 30/11/2018 10:46

YANBU. There’s 5 years between my DCs. I had a horrendous pregnancy and birth with first DC and vowed to never, ever do that to myself again. I know it seems raw right now, but it fades over time and you may change your mind. However it is up to you. If you don’t want anymore, even after 5 or 10 years it is your decision and your body. I used to get asked all the time, even when my first DC was around 6months old. It seemed to really piss people off when I said I didn’t want anymore. Then when we did have 2nd DC it pissed people off because I’d said for years that I didn’t want another. Who the f**k are they to comment on how many children you have?!? Even your OH ago some extent, whilst it’s usually a joint decision with your OH whether or not to have children, at the end of the day he doesn’t have to physically carry and have the baby and I don’t think he should try and coerce you. A lot of people underestimate quite how hard it can be and how I’ll it can make you. My health has never returned to what it was after having my first DC, but a lot of people will just simply not understand.
Good luck OP and I’d just ignore all of them (apart from your DH who you should discuss it with)

Ninoo25 · 30/11/2018 10:47

to some extent

explodingkitten · 30/11/2018 10:52

My DH hates his sister and would have had a nicer childhood growing up as a single child. You're not depriving your daughter of anything. I don't know why having a sibling should be so important. FWIW I do have a brother and love him to bits but if he would have never existed I would have had a fine childhood too.

whatswithtodaytoday · 30/11/2018 10:52

Tell them to fuck off. Or something more polite, maybe. Maybe not.

I'm an only child. I had a lovely childhood, never particularly wanted a sibling, wasn't lonely. I do envy my friends who are close to their siblings, but there's no guarantee of that and I know a few who can't stand theirs.

It sounds like pregnancy is very hard for your body, even outright dangerous. Of course you don't have to put yourself through it again.

Celebelly · 30/11/2018 10:52

I really don't understand the bizarre obsession people have about kids being only children. Cruel my arse. There are pros and cons to both being an only child and having siblings, but the most important thing is having a loving upbringing and healthy, happy parents.

I was an only child and had a wonderful childhood and still have an immensely strong bond with my mum. My partner is one of three. We aren't sure if we will have more after our baby girl is born in Feb, but if we do it won't be because I'm afraid of her being an only child!

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