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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid dilemma

19 replies

Whattodo321 · 29/11/2018 22:39

Long time member but name changed for this post.

More of a WWYD / after opinions rather than a AIBU.

I was asked about a year ago so be bridesmaid for a friend. We don't live close and have only seen each other three times in that time. Over this year I feel our friendship has changed (not for any particular reason - we just dont speak to catch up much anymore really) and we are more distant than we once were.

I don't know any details about the wedding unless I ask. I've tried to get involved (not overly so I'm not overbearing). I have no involvement in the hen do planning. I don't even know when it is. Whenever she posts the countdown on social media she tags her husband to be, mum & other bridesmaid but never me. I asked her a few months ago about whether she wants me to still be a bridesmaid and this caused a massive melt down from her so I don't think it's that she doesn't want me to be anymore.

How would you feel about this? Part of me doesn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore to be honest. I don't feel we are that good of friends anymore and I do feel a bit sidelined with any of the involvement. Maybe I'm looking too much into it.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 29/11/2018 22:41

Pester her a bit more maybe - as in show more interest, ask for updates more, arrange to go and visit. You don't want to be feeling left out at the hen or wedding so that's what I would do.

BunsOfAnarchy · 29/11/2018 22:43

Why did she have a meltdown? Was she offended you'd asked?

Have you tried asking her to meetup for wedding related stuff i.e dress shopping, shopping for wedding shoes ot honeymoon outifts etc?

Original poster
Whattodo321 · 29/11/2018 22:46

I've asked a number of times about hen do and said I need to know because I need to book it off work but I'm just told to ask the other bridesmaid as she is in control of it. I have done and she has responded very vaugly.

Visiting is difficult as we are 6 hour drive away from one another and neither of us drive and both have small children.

I'm not making excuses by the way - just responding to the advice offered which I greatly appreciate.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 29/11/2018 22:50

If she’s not contacting you much. And you’ve no idea when the wedding is.

What if you don’t say anything? You might kiss the wedding entirely if you’ve no idea where and when it is. Presumably you also haven’t got an outfit or anything either?

If you can’t talk to her about it, id forget I’m bridesmaid until she broaches it. Otherwise I’d assume I’m not going to the wedding at all.

Original poster
Whattodo321 · 29/11/2018 22:50

I asked her about should I still be a bridesmaid after a bit of an argument after she accused me of not being a good friend. This was because I met up with a mutual friend and she got very jealous. She then had a 'meltdown' about how her wedding wouldn't be the same without me. How she was heartbroken etc.

To put in context and not to drip feed - we met one a social media site via a mums group. There's now a small group who have a chat and we've all been in that for coming up to 2 years. Not all of us have met. I've met her 3 times. I'd only met her once before she asked me. I was actually taken a back that she asked me considering we had only met the once but I felt that we were very good friends despite not living close but as time has passed I've realised we are actually very different people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodo321 · 29/11/2018 22:51

FuzzyWuzzy - I know when the wedding is but not the hen do (if it's even been planned yet)

OP posts:
mycatistoo · 29/11/2018 22:54

Um she asked you after one meeting?! Confused

Original poster
Whattodo321 · 29/11/2018 22:56

Yes @mycatistoo

I was quite taken aback and felt like I was put in a bit of an awkward situation. I agreed at the time thinking it would be a while off or she wouldn't be particually serious. Plus I didn't want to cause upset (I know, I have no backbone :( )

OP posts:
mycatistoo · 29/11/2018 23:00

I would back out at this point. She's already had a meltdown at you for excluding her which is exactly what she's been doing to you.

It won't ruin her wedding to not have someone she met THREE times there. Even if you were the most wonderful person in the world!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 29/11/2018 23:15

If you aren't close then id back out tbh,life is too short to be thrown into something like that especially if she isn't keeping you in the loop.I had a school mum casual friend who asked me to be the godmother of her baby once and she hadnt even conceived at that point.I declined!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 29/11/2018 23:26

Back out now. If she is inviting people she hardly knows to be her bridesmaids it doesn't bode well. Say you are going for interviews abroad or something. You are allowed a life. Unfortunately posdiblle jobs coincide with the wedding. What's going to happen if you lose her friendship,..you are six hours away and hardly meet anyway.

Iloveautumnleaves · 29/11/2018 23:27

I think you should back out. She sounds unhinged.

LeilaDarling · 30/11/2018 03:46

3 times?! Omg, she’s not the ticket. Run for the hills!

BlimeyCalmDown · 30/11/2018 04:49

Definitely run.... as unpleasant as it is, this is crazy having only met 3 times...

TigerQuoll · 30/11/2018 05:08

If you don't want to lose her as a friend then don't drop out. One of my sister's bridesmaids dropped out a few weeks before the wedding (no explanation given) and it caused a massive falling out. I can't even mention her or her husband's name in my sister's presence without her looking quietly distressed. It really sucks cause I had just started to become friends with her, but I couldn't really continue seeing her anymore after that out of loyalty to my sister. She had to get a secondary friend to step in at the last minute and get the dress retailored etc.
She is probably not 100% aware of all the planning and it's really the other bridesmaid's fault that you're not being kept in the loop, so direct your enquiries at her.

ushuaiamonamour · 30/11/2018 09:38

She's excluded you and then manipulated you. And it's downright alarming that an internet person whom you've met in RL all of three times gets angry over your meeting up with another friend--surely that's a very large flag in dayglo red?. At this point I'd drop out without feeling the tiniest speck of guilt, knowing that she would only get worse in future. If you're hesitant to do so you might ask yourself why she apparently doesn't have a real life friend who's willing to be a bridesmaid. Sorry you got roped into this and I hope you find a painless way out.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 10:09

Very odd. Just say you can't be a bridesmaid anymore. Honestly who asks someone they've met ONCE to be a bridesmaid?

LucyAutumn · 30/11/2018 10:44

This just sounds surreal OP. She doesn't want to tell you anything about the wedding? Fine. I suggest you get on with your life and just act as normal.

brizzledrizzle · 30/11/2018 10:52

I don't think you should do it, she's trying to find a way out of it.

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