To think "lazy parenting" is usually just inexperienced parenting?

[PuffedupPufferFish]

I have a 2yo DD so I am currently reading lots of stuff about parenting toddlers. In the past few weeks I have read various things described as lazy parenting - not being able to stop toddlers interfering with Christmas trees, not always being able to get toddlers to keep to quiet in certain public areas, not being able to always get toddlers to walk nicely alongside you etc.

I'm not denying that some parents are lazy and just leave their children to it, but I think most people really do care but are just inexperienced. I feel like I try so hard to get my DD to behave appropriately and lots of things she's so good about, but equally lots of things we have real struggles with. I am sure it is partly my parenting, but honestly I don't think I'm being lazy. I am just inexperienced, and have never done this before! You can read all you want but advice is often contradictory, and doesn't prepare you for the real thing. And I just feel like I've got a good response for a certain behaviour then everything changes.

It's just so demoralising and unsupportive when you read "parents whose children do X,Y and Z are just lazy parents" when I am trying so hard but obviously not always getting it right. I can't help thinking people who say it either had super chilled children, or took to parenting much more naturally than me or are on a second/third child and have the benefit of some previous experience (and their rose tinted spectacles on while remembering their first child).

I guess I just wish parents could be a little kinder to each other sometimes.

I think lazy parenting is when children do these things and the parent does nothing about it.

YOu don't sound lazy, you try to intervene and show right from wrong so you're not lazy.

There definitely is such a thing as lazy and bad parenting, but you can't identify it by just looking at an isolated incidence of the child's behaviour while knowing nothing about the background.

Thank you! I feel much better reading all this. I definitely do stop destructive/antisocial behaviour but often I have to physically stop it. Just saying no is rarely successful! She isn't even on the whole a big public tantrummer (so far...) - just very, very stubborn!

I think I have probably been beating myself up a bit thinking I should be able to just say no and she would mostly listen. Silly really, because I would never judge abother parent struggling with a spirited child!

Reading all this makes me feel much better though, I think I had read a few overly judgemental comments on other threads, and started to feel a bit sensitive about the whole thing!

@PuffedupPufferFish
Honestly, don't stress it. You've definitely thought about it way too much!
We're all just doing our best and absolutely nobody gets it right 100% of the time (that's if there even is a right way to do things!🤷🏼‍♀️)

My first was Satan 'spirited' as a toddler (she still is as an 8 year old but slightly more aware of social etiquette now so tends to save the demon within for behind closed doors!) I only ever have empathy/sympathy when I see parents trying their hardest with an uncooperative mini human!
My second is much more chilled although gives zero fucks about social etiquette (he's 5) so while he's never been particularly stubborn or had any major public tantrums, he's more than happy to whip his pants off in Sainsbury's and do a runner 😬

Puffedup - it is TOTALLY NORMAL for you to need to physically remove a toddler in order for them to stop.
Most toddlers have no impulse control and don't respond to verbal No.

So in general, you need to distract, divert and remove. I often had to pick mine up and walk away, often with them screaming. Round the corner, put them down and say 'Look! at the .....' and they were off in a new direction.

Seriously, most of us have been there and only have sympathy for any parent doing it.

I was in a very posh waitrose a while ago and a toddler was screaming as mum tried to pay and stuff toddler int he trolley and leave the shop in mortified embarrassment at the full on tantrum.
A very naice, expensively dressed older lady in front of me shook her head, and I was expecting her to make some horrible comment and she said.
"I'm so glad I'm past the age of having to deal with that," and smiled.

We tend to see the one scowling face and miss the 20 sympathetic looks that went past.

Saying «no don’t do this» twice and then ignoring the child doing it a third time is lazy parenting.
Saying «no don’t do that» but not getting up from your seat if your DC ignores you is lazy parenting.
Saying yes (to buy something, to the tv,...) only to avoid a battle with the DC is lazy parenting.
Etc

sorry, I missed the end: OP, what you describe is not lazy parenting !

I should be able to just say no and she would mostly listen

Hahahaha. Me saying “no” results in peals of laughter and renewed efforts to do whatever it was that caused Mummy’s hilarious reaction. He was even role playing that in the cot last night - moving to throw Teddy out of bed, shouting “no!”, then throwing it out anyway and collapsing in hysterics.

Physical restraint and redirection is the only thing that works for us. Telling him off just becomes part of the game.

i've now been a parent for 15 and a half years, parent to 3 DCs for 9 years.

i'm not sure you could realistically call me inexperienced.

however, on a friday night after work/school, and the kids are badgering me to play xbox, i'm quite happy to let them, for pretty much the whole evening.

this is definitely lazy parenting by an experienced parent.

oh, and ignoring verbal instructions?

that's just standard. particularly with bright children.

we teach them to question, teach them to challenge when they are uncomfortable, but then expect meek obedience in other situations (that they are too young to recognise are different).

distraction was always the key with ours.
just asking them to stop something rarely worked.

however, i fully recognise that trying to distract a raging toddler in a supermarket takes a superhuman level of self-control (one that i was rarely able to attain consistently).

in those instances, removal was the only option (even if it meant abandoning a full trolley in the tesco car park).

YANBU. I haven't got a blooming clue what I'm doing with DSD (I've never been in a parenting role with a 6 year old before). DP and her Mum don't have a clue either, we're all just winging it. I think it's just really judgey when people say it's lazy parenting. Obviously some parents are lazy, but the most of us are just trying our best.

Oh and most of the time when we get through the difficult phases, I don't think any of us know what changed or what we particularly did that helped. I think even if we have another DC we'd still just be winging it because what works for one doesn't necessarily works for another - and even with the same child what works one day doesn't work the next

Lazy parenting is letting your child do whatever they want without any input. A lot of parenting ‘advice’ seems to ignore what is developmentally normal behaviour for small children and expects them to have far more self control and understanding than they actually have. If you’re interacting with your child and preventing unacceptable behaviour you’re doing fine, it doesn’t matter if your child is talking or singing in a quiet waiting room, anyone expecting a 2yr old to sit in silence is ridiculous.

We tend to see the one scowling face and miss the 20 sympathetic looks that went past.

I think that's very true.

You've definitely thought about it way too much!

Oh without a doubt, overthinking is definitely my thing! As you can tell!

He was even role playing that in the cot last night - moving to throw Teddy out of bed, shouting “no!”, then throwing it out anyway and collapsing in hysterics.

My DD will role play one toy dinosaur pushing another and then will get her little waggly finger out and say "No. No. No push! You hurt!" before giggling to herself. I didn't even think I used a waggly finger... She also joins in with me in a kind of mocking manner if I'm giving her a countdown from 5 as a warning...

Yeh looking at it like this it's definitely her being a spirited toddler rather than me being a rubbish parent!

.. She also joins in with me in a kind of mocking manner if I'm giving her a countdown from 5 as a warning...

Wait until she's rolling her eyes at everything you say and flouncing off with a 'whatever mother'

I only think lazy parenting when a parent is not even trying. I never think it when there's a child having a tantrum, or being hyper, or even just being really naughty (I don't know what's going on maybe they're having a bad day, maybe they have ASD/ADHD). I don't think it when a child is given a screen for to give the parent a moments peace.

I do think it when they're sitting in an adult restaurant blasting sound effects from their iPad with no headphones on.

OP, you're in for a grand surprise, then, and I mean that was well as possible! I'm the mother of three children aged 2, 16 and 22, and no amount of experience stops toddlers from being toads!

I think it's having strength in your convictions and agreeing with your partner if there is one.
It's also long term, always constantly correcting or teaching and encouraging good behaviour, it doesn't happen over night.
I do agree that some parents are lazy, they give in for an easy life not realising they are making a rod for their own back.

Obviously, I'm not talking about children with sn, and this is why I don't judge parents to be lazy or not, because you never know.

You sound like you're doing a great job OP.

Lazy parenting to me are things like letting a child use a tablet/watch TV all day just so they're quiet and giving constant sweets/snacks for a quiet life for the parents. These examples aren't because of no experience. It's common sense not to do these things.

My friend's child was very obliging and obedient as a little one and tbh she (friend) was a bit judgy about mothers of little horrors. Then she had her second DC, with whom everything is a battle, and changed her tune big time.

She also joins in with me in a kind of mocking manner if I'm giving her a countdown from 5 as a warning

DS2 is 3 and does this, then often shouts "READY FOR TAKE OFF" at the end. It's very demoralising to for me

I have 4 DC aged 9, 6, 3 and 21 months. I would say I'm an experienced lazy parent

I don’t see how anyone can call seeing a snapshot into someone else’s parenting lazy. Everybody does things for different reasons and has a different view on what is acceptable. The mum with 4 kids running around noisily while she plays a game might well think that’s acceptable. Equally i’ve seen mum’s smiling indulgently at their children doing this, no-one accuses her of being lazy.

We all, every single person, has times when we say ‘oh go on then’ because it’s the easy option and most often it’s exhaustion or exasperation rather than laziness. For someone to be judged on those moments is ridiculous.

PuffedupPufferFish
Forget the Internet, find your own way, and remember toddler isn’t forever. It always gets better.

hollering "what that person name?"
That is so cute! It’d make me smile if I heard it. I’d also just make up the name - the more ridiculous the better.

Sounds perfectly normal to me Puffedup, both her behaviour and the demoralizing idea that they should just listen and feeling frustrating at having to physically intervene but especially for little ones, it's part of us all figuring it all out.

I agree with others that there is some lazy parenting, some that are frustrating like ignoring kids breaking things and some like using electronic devices many of us do from time to time and some kindness when only getting a snapshot is really important. Honestly though, I find the overly-active ideological parents way more draining and harder to find kindness for and even though I know they're putting a lot into it, it does feel a bit like they're avoiding some of the parenting work to discuss and negotiate through basics over and over rather than enforcing them.

I think it's only lazy if the parents don't even try to stop their toddler doing something unreasonable - clearly if the parents are attempting to stop the toddler destroying the tree that's not lazy. It's the ones who sit there and smile adoringly as the little darling takes off all the decorations and stamps on them