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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think this behaviour isn't normal?

8 replies

jumperfriendly · 29/11/2018 20:21

I guess I want opinions from some parents - I am early twenties with no kids.

My DP is a Maths teacher and tutors on the side for extra money. He often overstays after each lesson around 10-15 mins which he says is to give a debrief. He teaches many different students on a regular weekly basis varying from aged 10 - 16.

I know all the places he goes are legitimate and see all the messages/addresses of the places and the money in our account.

However, this one mum is apparently 41 (my bf is 29) but he has said she is 'good looking for her age' as a few other mums are. This mum is married with 2 children, he teaches the son. The dad is the one who initially hired him through official tutoring channels. But he is always at work whilst my DP is there so is always speaking to the mum.
He always overstays by 20 mins minimum, chatting about their holidays, animals, etc. I assume the child is still present but I don't know much. She always texts him very randomly, usually all related to the child like 'look he did it this time!' and sometimes saying she can finally understand it. All innocent it seems. But one time she said how her son "is getting better at descriptions, I asked him to describe what mummy is wearing before she goes out and he said how nice I looked". The messages are somewhat professional but very chatty style, not formal as with his other parents.

Because he stays late, he usually tends to finish later around 7 with a half hour drive home which is against the timings we have in place for other things such as picking me up from work (630pm - I pay petrol for this and also was part of our agreement when we decided to live where we do - closer to his work, more difficult to access mine).

So I guess, what I'm saying is, as a parent, would you speak to a tutor like this? would you or have you spent 20/30mins chatting after a 2 hour session?

I've tried saying he needs to stop overstaying due to the time issues it causes but he point blank refuses which makes this more tense.

For what it's worth, I've had a tutor in the past who worked an exact hour and then said his goodbyes promptly, I've also been a tutor and done the debrief but only 10 mins max.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 29/11/2018 20:25

As he’s a teacher he probably gets to charge a lot more for his services than say an A Level or Uni student, so yes I would expect him to stay later to debrief students and parents. Nothing of what you described is unusual.

WhyAmISoCold · 29/11/2018 20:30

You are being ridiculous. My DC had a tutor last year and I was usually the last parent out because I was speaking to the tutor, who always took the time to speak to me and never made me feel like I was nuisance for wanting to talk to him, I was paying him at the end of the day! I also emailed or texted sometimes, always about the tutoring. You just don't like this because your DP thinks she is good looking.

MRex · 29/11/2018 20:30

Our plasterer stayed an hour chatting the other day, then spent another half hour chatting to one of our neighbours. Some people like to talk. I guess what you're wondering is if he's having an affair, or thinking about it. None of us can answer that. Is your relationship ok? Picking you up half an hour late because he's chatting is ok once, but certainly not regularly, it's worth telling him how that makes you feel.

AjasLipstick · 29/11/2018 20:37

Was the comment she made about "What mummy is wearing" an invitation to your DH to ask her what she was wearing?!?? Sounds a bit odd to me.

jumperfriendly · 29/11/2018 20:38

Of course I am heading towards the inappropriate way.
I don't like how he has a nickname for her (shortens her name in a very informal way in the same way he shortens mine and it is not a actually a nickname)
I would be fine if this ever happened with other parents - but it doesn't.
Texting is fine but sometimes it's saying she's going to a specific concert or something (usually led on from something tutoring related).

The whole late picking me up situation is now just every week without fail. I am sick of it. It is probably what makes me so angry as I am being put last. He won't listen to me because he's tutoring and it's extra money.

I just wanted to know how normal it is to stay late, just because he does at everyone's so it's fine, but with her it's much later. I guess nothing could actually happen but it's more that it feels inappropriate and makes me feel odd.

Apart from this, there are no other issues.

OP posts:
AlpineButterfly · 29/11/2018 20:41

I'm a teacher/tutor and I finish early and debrief at the end and would never drive half an hour to see a client! Probably not very helpful, sorry

RebelWitchFace · 29/11/2018 20:46

What would piss me off is being left hanging/waiting because he's supposed to pick me up. It's a previous commitment,one that was arranged and agree and you pay for petrol. If he really is that desperate, he can rearrange times with the mum and kid so he finishes earlier.

What would piss me iff even more is the refusal to even attempt to leave earlier/cut it short in order to be there to pick you up on time.

Let's face it it's not about him being a tutor, or the chats or even the mum. It's about his priorities.

jumperfriendly · 29/11/2018 21:14

to clarify he teaches a half hour drive from our area and the tutees are close to his school, so he does them straight after. However, he is always late / traffic

Yes it's his priorities.

But I also wanted to know if the behaviour of him and the mum is normal.

OP posts:
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