To hate being abused at work

[SailingFan]

I work in a job that means I am subject to not-infrequent verbal abuse from some of the people I look after. I'm a mental health worker in a particularly challenging area, but not much different to lots of other jobs eg police officer, social worker, prison officer where you get abused by the people you are trying to help. It comes with the territory and we are expected to just brush it off, because what else can you do? Colleagues are supportive but ultimately we just have to deal with it.

I'm usually OK with it but after being shouted at by a much larger man for 45 minutes today, with loads of personal attacks and deliberate nastiness, I can't help but feel shaken. I spoke to my team who helped me feel better but I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow for more of the same.

Just wanted to find out if others have experienced the same and how you deal with it.

It is appalling that you are not getting proper support at work, to deal with this. I am a trained nurse, and have mental health issues myself, so I do appreciate that your clients may be less able to control their behaviour than they should be - but that, in my mind, means that your workplace should be even better at supporting their staff - if that makes sense.

You're a very brave woman doing a job that most people couldn't do. You should get proper training and support. I can quite understand why you don't want to go back tomorrow

Is it possible to ensure that there are at least two staff available when clients display challenging behaviour, do you wear personal alarms. 45 mins of personal verbal abuse shouldn't really be tolerated, there should be systems in place where someone intervenes.

I've done similar for 10 years. It was the suicide threats at 3pm on a Friday that used to get me. Wondering what would happen on Monday. Over the years I became quite hardened to it in a way - very dark humour became my friend, and seems to be the way that a lot of people cope. Whilst on mat leave however, I decided to quit my job and am going to have a careful think about what else I might like to do. But I keep looking at the same kind of jobs and finding them really interesting. It's highly likely that after a break I'll go back...

I have great admiration for those who do it their whole lives. I don't know if I can.

I do feel for you. No one should have to deal with that level of abuse regularly, but I know it is indeed part of the job. I didn’t have grown men shouting abuse at me at work, but did regularly have verbal and physical abuse from the teenagers I taught in a special school and that was tough enough for me. Strong thoughts going out to you.
Do you work alone with such people or is there someone working with you to share the load? Have you had any training to help you deal with it? Do you get any management support or counselling? I think all workers should receive it as a matter of course, but we don’t)
For me it was the support of my colleagues that got me through the roughest attacks. And hopefully my support helped them in turn.

Thank you for the replies all. I feel better just getting it out.

There were two of us there and we do wear alarms. I didn't feel physically threatened. It was a discussion we needed to have and we did make some progress by the end. It's just... a visceral reaction to being shouted at, blamed, and having nasty personal comments flung at me, when I'm just doing my job

Cross-posted with you Riv - thank you for your message, it was very helpful. Yes it sounds very similar to what you describe. We do have training and I have colleagues I can trust, which does really help.

Of course it’s ok for you to feel like that, I work with children with social and communication difficulties. On a daily basis I am spat at, slapped, kicked, scratched, pinched, bitten etc. Some days you can deal with it, some days it’s harder to take the abuse.
There should be support at work for you and it’s good your team made you feel better but if the support isn’t consistent and meaningful you’ll end up hating the job.
I’ve had to learn to leave work at work, I won’t discuss it once I’ve left (if anyone asks my day was always “fine”), I make sure that once the kids are sorted and in bed I have some time to relax (trashy telly, book, bath etc) and also to tell myself the odd glass of wine or chocolate bar is good for the soul. Look after yourself and get on to management about this, just having to deal with it is not good enough.

Sorry but I would be out of there.

Mentally ill or not that kind of abuse is uncalled for.

Yanbu.

Today I have had my hair pulled, been called a cunt and had my t-shirt ripped.

All for £8.20 an hour!

Today has just been a bad day and it sounds like you have had similar. I hope you can have a nice calm Evening OP.

I try and remember that the service users we work with don't mean it, but sometimes that doesn't help.

I sympathize @Sailingfan, I worked in a similar environment for 14 years.
The abuse and threats which lead on occasion to physical attacks, left me with depression, horrendous anxiety and PTSD.
I walked away and never looked back.
Sometimes you have to put your own mental health first.

You poor thing I work in mental health too, but psychology which is a much easier ride than what you do as a nurse/support worker. Even so we do get our share of charmers!

I cope with it by being fortunate enough to have a really strong team who won't judge if I've had a crap session or been upset by a client.

We're only human and it's natural to get upset if someone is horrible to us, sounds like you're doing a fab job

Sorry you have to deal with this, OP. It sucks. I know it does because I've been there and continue to be there at times.

I was a guest relations manager (that's industry terminology for "designated target for shouty customers") in hospitality for several years and I'm now a contract manager for a professional services firm (once again, this makes me "designated target for your outbursts if you happen to be my client").

Long story short: I basically have been getting paid for accepting that people will yell and curse at me for the better part of two decades.

Here's how I do it: I've somehow managed to dissociate my sense of self from the role. I know people will get angry and shouty when they're unhappy. And - somewhere along the line (might have been my first customer to call me a "despicable cunt" to my face) - realised that they weren't being horrible to me personally but to the living embodiment of a company who a) happened to have displeased them but also b) happened to deposit money in my account each month.

I was bullied badly while at school and still, even as a successful professional in my thirties, happen to be petrified at the notion of people hating me.

Learning that the individual I happen to be outside of what I do for a living wasn't who was being yelled at was a pretty revolutionary realisation for me on a personal level. I've really not minded that much ever since I somehow learned to separate my personal sense of self from what clients see, i.e. the tangible physical embodiment of an institution.

Long story short: try not to take it personally. And I don't mean that as a platitude but as a very pragmatic real-time technique that really helps with the emotional impact of having to deal with difficult people in exchange for money.

Thank you all. You are really kind to take the time to reply and share your stories. It helps to know I'm not the only one.

Psychedelic you're right I've seen people be absolutely vile to psychologists and consultants etc too. It's a good team and we do look after each other. It's just hard having that level of anger and yes cruelty directed against you sometimes.

Have taken the advice for trashy telly on the sofa and feel better. Tomorrow's another day.

SkullPointerException that was incredibly helpful. Thank you. I'm going to have a think about it.

I used to be an nurse (adult) and got abuse from patients and relatives sometimes. I know that they are in pain/upset/scared etc but I didn’t like being shouted at. I’ve also worked as airline cabin crew dealing with rude passengers.

I work in an office now! But I was thinking of doing a PGCE and becoming a primary school teacher. I do volunteering in two different primary schools and the children have been great so far. Not sure how much abuse teachers get?!

There always seem to be loads of jobs in care work/mental health /special schools and they pay around £8 a hour. Not something I would ever apply for!

So many jobs are low-paid but require intense emotional labour and pretending you really care about customers etc. Urgh. I’m too old for that now!

I hope you are okay OP.

That is terrible. Hugs to you. That is not acceptable.
I work in health and the abuse and snarky comments I get is unbelievable -I am a GP and if they talk to me like that I am often wandering how they are talking to the receptionist or poor person serving them in the supermarket.
Are you entitled to supervision? I think your employer should be supporting you more.
Abusing health professionals is not acceptable and actually there should be zero tolerance - but this is not what happens.
I think it is the chronic nature of the abuse that slowly eats at you.
I think you should be supported not to have to see this client again. Mental illness is no excuse ( perhaps unless someone is floridly psychotic)
Take care. Look after yourself .💐💐

I worked in retail for a while. I was shouted at, had things thrown at me, had creepy people put their arm round me, had to deal with drunk customers... no support ever, in fact my line manager and supervisor were bullies.

We were expected to get on with it.

In my current job I deal with vulnerable people. Again, I've been shouted at, verbally abused, had people disclose quite upsetting things, had a few weird pervy phone calls, and worked with people who have some major issues with boundaries. Support has been a bit iffy at times, but it has been there and my line manager is fantastic.

Ultimately I changed jobs to a more chilled area. No regrets!!

I used to try to not take it personally, remember how lucky I was to be going home at the end of the day to a loving family, that it was my choice to do that job, and I could leave if I really wanted to (which I did eventually). I also used to write down one positive thing from each shift, cheeesy! Keep your chin up, but remember you always have options and if you're not happy then you can change jobs.

Thank you so much everyone x