How often do you see your inlaws?

[OnlyHappyWhenEating]

My inlaws just moved to the same village as us (mainly because we have children and they want to see them more). Before they lived the other end of the country and we saw them probably 4-5 times a year, but for 4-5 days at a time.

Now that they live so close they want to see us every weekend! and I feel a little stifled. I thought that when they lived nearer that we would see each other perhaps more frequently, but for shorter visits, like an hour or two here and there, which I thought would be less intense and more enjoyable. But, they seem to expect us to see them every weekend now and phone to see what we are doing and if we don't plan something with them, they make us feel very guilty.

AIBU wanting a bit more space, or should I suck it up and try to enjoy them being in our lives more? (our children love seeing them! I just find them a bit intense...). I don't know if I am over reacting or not... maybe they will chill out once they get their own friends.... (here's hoping)

Do you trust them to take the children on their own? If so you could let them have a day with their DGC every other weekend or so, which means you don't have to spend time with them yourself so often. Just drop them off mid morning and pick them up after dinner. Then occasionally do things all together, like a Sunday roast once a month so it's less of a commitment for you and you know when it's coming.

We lived near both sets of family when we had DD and it was horrendous, as DPs family think nothing of dropping by unannounced and became competitive about spending more time with DD than my family. I understand that it's difficult to think of a way of telling them you don't want to see them that often, I never managed to put my foot down and we moved away (in part) to solve the problem!

I'd sort this sooner rather than later. Do you have plans at the weekends usually? My dad wanted to go from seeing me twice a year to weekly when I had my first baby. I just made plans and didn't rise to the guilt trips he tried.

That's my worst nightmare! My in laws live in the back of beyond and that's fine with me. It means when we visit we stay there for a few days but I don't mind that too much and it's basically a free beach holiday for the kids. I think they need to make their own friends before their expectations of seeing you every weekend will change, are they guilt tripping you a bit? You just need to be firm, what does your DH/OH think?

You need to say that you're busy if you don't want to see them. It might be a novelty because they've just moved near you but you should start as you mean to go on and speak up.

We see DS and DIL most weekends and they pop round during the week too but if either of us are busy that's fine, nobody sulks.

That would be my worst nightmare.

Our situation is unusual in that we never, ever see our in-laws - dh is low contact with them. But we see my mum once a week for 2 hours on a Sunday- I leave dh at home and take the kids to visit. That’s about it! I don’t have the best relationship with my mum.

I couldn’t stand the sort of relationship where everyone was doing stuff with everyone all the time.

mine live half hour away and still insist on coming over 3-4 times a week. on the days they don't visit my Mil phones a couple of times to say basically nothing.

They're probably just excited about the move and as they don't have any local friends, you're in the cross-hairs.

I would pencil in a few (spaced out) days over the next few months. You just want to be careful about setting up expectations going forward and also giving them chance to create their own life and friends too. Something like a monthly Sunday lunch together might be worth considering as a regular but defined option.

thank you so much for your replies - I thought I would be told to suck it up! I think we need to put our foot down from the start and let them know that we have our own lives too. my DH agrees wholeheartedly with me, but when faced with his mother, he crumbles a bit!! she totally guilt trips him!

We will eventually leave the children with them ... but we are a bit scared to while they are quite so young (1 and 3)- but having 'baby'sitters' on hand is not to be sniffed at :)

I see sil most weeks as I look after dgs 1 and 1/2 days a week and he collects some days but I normally see dd on her days off as sil does 12 hour day and night shifts so she is on her own with dgs. If I don't see them there is no bad feeling.

Mine live five minutes away. I'd move in the morning if I could but DH won't go. FIL is absolutely lovely, a complete gentleman, couldn't say a bad word about him. Her Royal Highness on the other hand . . . . .
Or as ex SIL said to me recently "Hyacinth & Richard". She truly is the Bucket woman.

My in laws live 20 mins away and we go there every other Sunday for lunch which is usually 11-5/6pm. I love it, we see them odd other times to but there's never any pressure to

How often do you see your parents?

Twice a year, though one of those is them staying with us for 2-3 weeks and the other is us seeing them several times over a fortnight or so.

That’s enough for me. My mother-in-law isn’t a very nice person.

I haven't seen my Mil for about 20 years thank the lord

You poor thing. I would feel absolutely suffocated. They are being far too overbearing and unreasonable. I suggest you have your husband deal with this in very short order. I see my in-laws every six months and that's more than enough.

About 5 times a year for a couple of days each time and one week-long joint summer holiday. We live a 5 hour drive away from them.

Too bloody often! We moved nearer to my family, which is great because we both get on incredibly well with them. My in-laws followed us up the country moving to less than 15 miles away, not something either of us are delighted about. If they had stayed put they’d have been a good 2 1/2 hours away. Then they started talking about moving even closer. We are both hoping that doesn’t happen. I know that sounds awful but seeing them is just immensely stressful. ☹️ To add insult to injury FIL moved 3 hours away from his parents to, quite openly, “get away from them” when he was younger. If we were to point that out or be open about our feelings it would cause merry hell. I can only sympathise OP.

Minimum once a week. I don't mind. They get on our nerves occasionally but we just switch off to it lol

Once or twice a year.

Mil once a week to every 2 weeks.She lives 5 mins away.My parents every week,they live 20 mins away

Last saw my mil in July but we do live 300+ miles away. She was here for a week. We will be seeing her again March time so I guess twice too much a year !

onlyhappy we are in the same situation, my in laws moved to the town we live in at the end of August. We saw them every weekend at first but the ‘novelty’ has worn off a bit and we don’t seem them as often now. We often go round on a Friday after we have picked DD up from school as they live very near the school but that’s about it now.

I like my in-laws but that would drive me insane. Also, when the children are older they will soon get busy on a weekend ie swimming/football/music lessons. Every other weekend and some of those missed would be enough but I would like to just meet up for a cup of tea/lunch in the week too.

We live a mile, door to door, from MIL, but we can go weeks without seeing her. We all get on famously though, and there's no guilt on either side if we're/she's busy. We'd tend to rock up at hers, or she at ours, if it had been 2/3 weeks, but both sides phone/text first, and there are never any expectations. Probably why we get on famously!! She was very clear when we had DCs that she'd help out with childcare on an ad hoc basis, but was far too busy to agree to anything regular, which I thought was fair, and brilliant - she has a life and she deserves to be free to come and go as she pleases. She does a bit of child wrangling every few weeks, she'll surprise a child and pick them up from school to go for a hot chocolate/ if there's a sick child home from school/on in service days etc, which is fine - we have childcare for the rest of the time we need it.
My own mum lives a lot further away, so we see her 2-3 times a year for a week/fortnight at a time staying at hers or she stays here. At Christmas both mums are here, and MIL stays the night so they can get wrecked on gin and fawn over Michael Buble on the telly!!
Encourage your PIL to make friends OP, MIL is far too busy with her pals to pay us any mind from week to week, and that's nice and healthy as far as I can see! Plus it gives us plenty to talk about when we do see each other. Tell DH he must resist the guilt trip!! You're allowed to have time on your own - in fact it's essential IMHO.

Did the warning bells not go off when they moved from one end of the country to the other so they could see you (your children)? I think they're unreasonable (both for moving and for expecting to see you every weekend). What did they think you were doing before they swanned in? If you don't want to see them, don't. And if you just want to meet for lunch or coffee, or to go to the playground (or whatever you do) then cap it at that. Weekends are usually the only time parents and kids get to spend significant time together (and for the parents themselves). That deserves prioritisation.

We see my ILs every 3-4 weeks. They're about 25 minutes away. It could be for coffee or lunch (so a couple of hours), rarely more than that.