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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower

21 replies

Lollypop27 · 29/11/2018 16:31

My best friend is 35 weeks pregnant and lives about 30 minutes away. This is her 4th pregnancy as she sadly lost the previous 3. There has been many complications throughout this pregnancy but thankfully everything seems to be okay now.

Anyway friend has recently been to a few baby showers. She hates them and has refused to go to anymore. Friend doesn’t like the idea of them and she is also quite an introvert so the idea of being centre of attention would be her worst nightmare. Her mum mentioned a baby shower to her and she was appalled and begged her mum to please not organise one.

I got a message last week off one of her friends inviting me to a surprise shower she was throwing for friend. I messaged back asking if she had asked friends opinion on baby showers. She came back and said yes she had but it was a right of passage like a hen night and she would have to put up with it. I was also told not to mention it to friends mother as she wasn’t invited as the conversations would probably be rude and the mother wouldn’t like to talk about sex all afternoon ShockConfused I haven’t replied back.

Would you tell friend? What would you do about the mother situation? Friend is very close to her mother and I think they would both be upset that she wasn’t included.

OP posts:
Newmum0987 · 29/11/2018 16:33

Wow this is a tough one! Can you not try to explain to this friend that she reallllyyyy does not want one and will be also upset her mother was left out?

Or, instead of the usual baby shower maybe suggest to do something low key instead like an afternoon tea with no games?

TheChickenOfTruth · 29/11/2018 16:35

Screw it, tell her mother.

RedFin · 29/11/2018 16:38

It's not a tough one! Tell your pregnant friend what her other "friend" has planned. A rite of passage that she would absolutely hate but has to "put up with"? Nope, it's not. She's lost 3 babies and probably doesn't want to tempt fate. Apart from the whole centre of attention thing. You are her friend. You know how she feels. Tell her what's going on

babybrain77 · 29/11/2018 16:40

I would call the friend and say that I had spoken to X recently about showers and that she really hated the idea. Given the previous experience with pregnancy in particular, friends should be supporting what she wants rather than putting her in a situation she would have to 'put up with'.

Maybe suggest an alternative (mini spa day, afternoon tea) if the pregnant friend would like that!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2018 16:52

This woman is an obnoxious twat. Throwing an unwanted shower is bad enough, but not inviting your friends mother is an outrage. What a hateful thing to do. Fuck this lady. Tell your friend AND her mum.

HelloBrass · 29/11/2018 16:54

I would tell pregnant friend. You know she hates them, you know she's had a difficult pregnancy and previous losses, you know she's introverted. I think it would be quite cruel to spring that on her.

If she knows about it and is prepared to "put up with it", then at least she's made her own decision. She can also decide if she wants her mum to come, if she agrees to go ahead with it.

woollyheart · 29/11/2018 17:02

Given your friend's history it would be cruel and she also hates the idea too.

I would try letting the would be organiser know that this is really a bad thing to do. I would also earn your friend so she can put s stop to it if she wants.

woollyheart · 29/11/2018 17:02

Not earn. Warn.

eightoclock · 29/11/2018 17:12

I also think it's cruel. Ask your friend if she wants a baby shower. Then tell her if it seems appropriate, she can then avoid if need be. Also surely baby showers are not for talking about sex? At 35 weeks pregnant and sober, it wouldn't seem top of the list.

MeredithGrey1 · 29/11/2018 17:15

So this friend knows how your pregnant friend feels about baby showers and is doing it anyway?? How unbelievably selfish.

I would maybe have one more go at persuading the “friend” that it’s not a good idea but if she doesn’t back down I would 100% tell my best friend about the shower. Even if she hates the idea but feels obligated to go, at least she’ll have fair warning.

HildaZelda · 29/11/2018 17:16

I'd tell your pregnant friend. It's the last thing she wants. She definitely deserves to be warned. I hate them to be honest. So tacky and just seems like another way of asking for gifts. I've been to a few and never enjoyed them. Never had one myself.

Original poster
Lollypop27 · 29/11/2018 17:34

Thank you for the replies. I’m going to tell the friend again that she really doesn’t want one. If I get ignored I will then tell my friend and she can decide if she wants to go.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 29/11/2018 17:37

Just text back "Who exactly is this baby shower for you or x? Look she hates showers, she's had a horrific time and is super close to her mother. Her mother suggested one and she begged her not to I actually think you are being really unfair and I feel like you have put me in a really awkward position. No way is this a good idea"

Colabottles64 · 29/11/2018 18:07

That “friend” is being so selfish, it sounds like the shower is something she’s doing for her own enjoyment. I really would tell your pregnant friend if the other one doesn’t cancel it. Good on you!

Redcrayonisthebest · 29/11/2018 18:18

Just read your update and agree that this is a good choice. Remind her of the miscarriages and complications and that your friend is seriously against them. Hopefully she's just being obtuse and will realise and cancel once you talk to her. If not, tell your friend. "Rite of passage my arse..... it's a very recent Americanism!!"

TheArtfulScreamer · 29/11/2018 18:29

I'm currently 24 weeks after 5 years and IVF so not quite the same circs as your friend but still a terrible time of things, I feel exactly the same as your friend and I hope I've made it abundantly clear to my nearest and dearest that I won't be entertaing a baby shower if however one of them was as insensitive and self centered as your other friend I'd like to think that someone more considerate of my feelings would set them straight or tell me and if I was told I could then make my own choice as to if to go or not. You're doing the right thing and if pregnant friend has it out with self centred friend hopefully she'll not mention who told her but if she does you've got being right on your side.

fabulous01 · 29/11/2018 18:33

I would absolutely tell her and her mum
I hate surprises but with her back story she needs to know

jay55 · 29/11/2018 18:36

I'd tell your friend and offer to take her somewhere for the duration if she wants.

user1493413286 · 29/11/2018 18:36

I don’t think I’ve ever discussed sex at a baby shower; fair enough a hen do but it’s normal for mums to come to baby showers!
I didn’t want one and I would have preferred to have been warned (and my mum) so I could decide what to do.

AGirlinLondon · 29/11/2018 19:18

My mum warned me in advance about my surprise baby shower (being thrown by someone else). I really didn’t want to be ungrateful but I didn’t want people touching the bump, asking weird probing questions about my birth plan or regaling me with horror stories about theirs. She took things over and made it so it was just a nice gathering with basically no baby related stuff at all - no embarrassing games or pretend dirty nappies filled with Nutella. It ended up being a completely lovely day.

GhostSauce · 29/11/2018 19:24

Tell your friend. I would absolutely hate this. The mutual friend is being a complete dick.

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