To think we should cut PILs some slack?

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

This has been playing on my mind for years. It's all so easy to bash PILs. It seemed to be an accepted thing when I was meeting others mums with DD1 that it was fine to roll eyes about them, lament them coming for xmas, curse what a bad job they're doing with babysitting, say what a nightmare they are. I know people who actively try to discourage their partners relationship with their parents. One even who told her husband that now they were married her parents came first!

I always got on with my PILs, one more than the other although I respected her as ExH's stepmum. We got divorced last year and I guess I appreciate one set of PILs more now the others have dropped me like a hot brick Yes they all pissed me off at times but they're only human and typically therefore especially as a mother of a son, it must be hard to 'lose' them and not intervene in his relationship when there are arguments or you feel they're being mistreated. I've seen it with my sister and her idiot husband and I know it's broken my parents' hearts.

Just putting it out there as it's less often said.

I think a lot of the issue is many men being crap at organising and staying in touch. The woman makes more of an effort with her parents because they are her parents, it isn't her fault if her partner can't be bothered to do the same with his parents.

Some MILs are old fashioned and think it's their DILs job to manage all the arrangements so they get the blame.

And yes some MILs are absolutely psycho when it comes to their sons children.

MrsMuddle, how ridiculous. Shop assistants are required to make chitchat with customers as they serve them, and this woman was merely going along for the sake of politeness with the customer’s grumble about her ILs. Absolutely no need to publicly tell her off or make a big deal of stropping off to spend your money elsewhere.

I get on well with my PIL - and have found that the relationship has got much closer (it was always good, just a bit more distant) since I had DS. We have tried to make a really concerted effort to make them feel as involved as my parents - I've been very conscious of the fact that this is their only grandchild (DH is an only child) and I don't want them to feel like the lesser grandparents. When I had a hospital appointment recently my default thought was to ask my mum to babysit, but I consciously thought that I should ask PIL as my mum has done it before - and they were delighted (you honestly would have thought I was doing them a favour - I had to point out that it was the other way round and I was grateful!).

I do think that some of this is of my own doing and some is luck. Some people have absolutely awful PIL where whatever they do the relationship will be bad because they're not reasonable people. Some other people could, I think, try a bit harder - building a relationship is hard work and does require a bit of tongue biting and listening to them talk about things you find boring, etc, but it is worth it. That comes on both sides though - I know they sometimes find me a bit odd, and they definitely find my family overwhelming (they're loud and chaotic and my PIL are very quiet, ordered people) but they've really tried with us all. I know that MIL really disagrees with some of our parenting decisions, particularly me going back to work - but she keeps quiet about it, and I'll try and remember that and keep quiet when she gives DS too many sweets or whatever in the future!

Maine exactly I visit clients at home and nod along to all sorts of nonsense and often lie through my teeth particularly about my views on dogs.

I know plenty of people that get on really well with their PIL’s- these are normally the parents who are pretty normal, helpful and easy to get on with. I also know plenty of people that don’t get on with their PIL’s- these are normally the parents that are odd, difficult and generallly a bit miserable.

Mine fall into the latter category and are viewed as such by myself and DH. I do, however, make a concerted effort to include them and am always polite/ friendly. We just get on better with my parents, not because they are MINE, but because of who they are. Some people don’t get on with their own parents don’t forget.

I have sons so I hope that by being a decent person I am capable of forming a good relationship with any future DIL.

On the surface I get on ok with MIL - she can be terribly manipulative, though, so I've learned to keep her at arms length over the years. Her family are the sort where everyone knows everyone's private business and I know it upsets her that I don't share much about DH and I, or rely on her too much.

DH won't spend time with her on his own as he says he can't cope with her questions, gossip and nonsense, and I won't spend time with her on my own because I think she's quite an unkind person. If your own family differ from the PIL's family so vastly it can be hard to enjoy their company. I'm sure she loves us in her own way, but that edge of unkindness just below the surface has tainted the MIL/DIL relationship. In my twenties I went out of my way to try and make her like me. Now I'm in my thirties I refuse to dance that dance any more, and the difference it's made to our relationship is enormous.

I get on well with the in laws, take MIL on holiday nearly every year, but I wouldn’t start a thread about it! I’d only start a thread if I had a problem/needing advice so obviously it’s skewed towards hearing about the bad PIL.

Also, there are plenty of threads where posters don’t get on with their own parents as well.

Sorry for being so absent since starting this. Absolutely loud and clear that some parents/parents in law are awful. My thread was directed at how those PILs that are decent can be easy targets for criticism . Like I said about meeting other mums, criticising in laws seemed to be treated like a 'common ground' that you could throw into conversation. Maybe that's just my experience though.

ExH's mum can be very odd and wad an only child so is used to getting her own way. There are things she's done that have royally paed me off and it would be easy to criticise her and get annoyed, cause a fuss. But she's human and fallible. Luckily there were times when she kept out of our business and if she hadn't I know we would've come to blows. I'm grateful for that.

She made a comment once about how amongst her friends they talk about their DILs/SILs and the apprehension beforehand of 'who they'd get. It was a glimpse of the future and I guess I empathise.

*peed not paed!!!!