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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not send a "happy birthday" or "condolences" message to my uncle's Mistress

29 replies

Kerrieanne85 · 29/11/2018 09:33

hello everyone....quick backstory... My uncle2 has been married for 34 years and has 5 children with his wife. 16 years ago he had a 3 month long affair which resulted in him having a "lovechild" with this other woman. Everything was kept a secret from the family and his wife. The affair ended but he always looked after his son, paid child support, bought clothes, had regular secret visits with his son and generally always kept in touch with his boy.

So 2 years ago, everything was been revelaed i.e the affair which happened and the birth of his son as a result, my aunt obviously left my uncle and they are currently separated and in the process of a divorce. My cousin's stopped speaking to their dad for some time when they found out what had happened and have a difficult time accepting their recently known half brother. As of now my uncle and his wife of 34 years are on semi-good speaking terms and my cousins have starting to speak to their dad again.

Now.....his "mistress/woman had had son with" is now known to the whole family, we've never met her in person BUT other aunties are now saying me and the rest of the family should welcome her, and speak to her every now and again. e.g it was her birthday a few weeks ago and my mum asked whether I had sent her a message to say happy birthday (which i didn't) as I don't feel i have too. another example is sadly her father died a few months ago (which is very sad for anyone) and again I was told i should contact her and send her a message of condolence. I didn't because as far as I am concerned...she's a woman who had an affair with my married uncle 16 years ago...thats it... I've never met her and probable never will as she doesn't even live in this country. So my question is AIBU to just not necessarily have contact with her and just live my life as i always have been, I really don't see why I'm now supposed to treat her like shes my new aunt just because she had a lovechild with my uncle?

OP posts:
Harebellmeadow · 29/11/2018 09:35

No need to include her if you don't want to.

Shockers · 29/11/2018 09:37

I think she’d find it very strange- intrusive even- if someone who has never met her or her father sent condolences.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/11/2018 09:37

Your family are all weird. She's a stranger. Why would you conmunicate with her.
Frankly, I think your aunt deserves more loyalty than she is currently getting from your family. She is the victim here.

BluePheasant · 29/11/2018 09:37

You’ve never even met her so why would you send her messages? Bizarre Confused YANBU

Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 29/11/2018 09:42

exactly....I don't understand why "I'm" expected to now be sending her messages either. I talk to my aunt all the time because she was in our family since before i was even born.

the other thing i should mention is that my uncle is now living with his new son....maybe that's why my aunts think we should all be nice to his mum...maybe to make him feel welcome.....i don't know

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/11/2018 09:44

God no! That’s just weird Shock

hellojim · 29/11/2018 09:44

I don't think there's any reason at all for your to communicate with her in any situation - leave that to her own friends and family. Even if she wasn't your uncle's mistress, would you send cards to an uncle's ex-wife that you had never met?

yesmelord · 29/11/2018 09:45

No way!

Why would your family want her involved? That must be very hard on your aunt?

BluePheasant · 29/11/2018 09:47

Your uncle has made his choices, it’s now down to him to make the effort to introduce his son and new partner to the family if he wants to.

sayanythingelse · 29/11/2018 09:54

I wouldn't have anything to do with her. If she came to visit and was physically present in your life, I'd probably be civil but at the moment she's a stranger.

Am I the only one wondering how your uncle managed to keep this secret for so long?

Alfie190 · 29/11/2018 09:54

I would not do anything.

FaithFrank · 29/11/2018 09:57

YANBU you have never met the woman.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 29/11/2018 09:59

I wouldn't hold on to any animosity towards her, it's your uncle who should get the brunt of that if anyone, but I also see no need to forge a relationship with her.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/11/2018 10:00

No that's batshit, she's nothing to do with you at all. And the relationship between her and your uncle has been over for many years, is that correct?

FrancisCrawford · 29/11/2018 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nesssie · 29/11/2018 10:02

You say she is just " a woman who had an affair with my married uncle" but she is also the mother of your cousin. If you want to have any sort of civil relationship with the boy, then you perhaps need to be a bit more civil to his mother? Not necessarily sending her text messages but perhaps not just referring to her in such derogatory tones. I assume you are talking to your uncle again, and he was the one that was married with 5 children.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 29/11/2018 10:03

I might reach out to the son, as none of this is his fault, but I don't see why anyone would expect you to try to develop a relationship with the woman

Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 29/11/2018 10:03

yes her affair with my uncle ended 16 years ago. they obviously have been in contact because of their son but no romantic relationship at all. The affair happened in Malta and that's where she still lives. Hence my uncle managed to keep in secret for so long.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 29/11/2018 10:03

I agree with a previous poster that they don't sound very loyal to your aunt - is everyone supporting her?

Original poster
Kerrieanne85 · 29/11/2018 10:07

yes I understand that, I do speak with my cousin as he completely innocent, if his mum was physically here with us where we meet her then of course I would be completely civil towards her, but right now, we've never met, live in different countries, so for me, she is a total stranger who I don't feel I owe anything too.

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 29/11/2018 10:14

Nessie - derogatory tones? What derogatory tones? 'The woman who had an affair with my uncle' is factual. She's not been 'that Scarlet Hussy who tempted my beloved innocent Uncle away'!

OP - this is batshit. Why would you send message of condolences to a woman you have never met, on the death of her father - who you've never met or even known about - just because this woman has a very tenuous link to your cousins? Welcome the child, by all means, but a woman who was in your Uncle's life for 3 months is nothing to you.

(Both My mother and my father had a child each before they met and married - I've never felt the need to contact my half-brothers, or their mother/father. Why would I?)

loubluee · 29/11/2018 10:18

That would be weird. You don’t know her. As you know her son, I could imagine a message of ‘sorry for you and your mums loss’ sent to him, but not to her, if that make sense?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/11/2018 10:18

Goodness me. Do as you choose. It sounds as if you have a relationship now with your cousin, which is great. No one should be pressuring you to do more. It’s not as if you’re being unkind to her.

Feefeetrixabelle · 29/11/2018 10:33

Support and welcome the boy in all this. He’s the innocent in it all after all. Be cordial to the mother- you don’t know what she was told by your uncle. But cordiality doesn’t mean welcoming with open arms.

So a Christmas card to him with the line and hope all is well with your mother is more than sufficient. Likewise a message of condolence to him with the line I hope your mother is doing well please pass on my
condolences would have been more than sufficient. And so on

Onceuponatime21 · 29/11/2018 10:43

Oh god, my uncle did this. Had no children with my aunt, affair, was going to leave aunt but talked into staying by his parents, and managed to keep cousin's existence quiet for 25 years. Other women waited til my grandfather died, then did the big reveal. None of us speak to my uncle. My poor aunt has stayed with him out of fear of leaving. And my cousin - no animosity towards him, but we're not in touch. He loves his dad and I think his dad is an utter tosser. However, because big reveal was just done to our bit of the family, and aunt asked us not to tell her family, uncle has gotten away with it. Urgh, horrid bully of a man.