WWYD School refusal / anxiety

[PossiblyPFB]

Less of an AIBU and more of a WWYD as we are fresh out of ideas and desperately need advice to break the cycle.

DD is Yr 2 and has for the last few weeks become very upset about going to school, and clingy to me to the point of carrying her in kicking and screaming and crying. She complains of headaches and stomachaches which we believe are anxiety related. We have had her eyes checked and have seen a pharmacist for a consult. She’s fine.

She cannot articulate why she’s suddenly upset about going to school other than she wants to stay at home with me and not go to school anymore. She has happily attended the same school since reception and has always loved it.

There are no problems at home and we don’t believe there are any bullying problems etc at school as the class all get on well. She’s from all reports a well liked and a kind, gentle child with many friends. So in some ways it’s really out of the blue.

The school have been brilliant and the head and other staff extremely supportive in getting through this. It’s wearing thin though. According to the mums a few other children in her year have had similar things going on at times but the kids seem oblivious to each others’ feelings in this regard as it’s not happening in front of each other.

Apparently once she’s through the door and I leave, she calms down almost immediately and has a ‘brilliant day’ according to her accounts at pickup, where she skips out happily. School are in touch and say she’s fine and happy and joining in once she’s settled.

Is this a phase? It’s come out of nowhere and I just don’t want to do the wrong thing. It’s so upsetting for us to see her so unhappy though I don’t let DD see us get upset. We are trying positive rewards for ‘bravery’ in sticking it out as it feels wrong to ‘punish’ her when it is some sort of anxiety which we don’t want to exacerbate. ......But this doesn’t seem to be working.

If you’ve dealt with this, please tell me know you successfully got through it ? What are we missing- what sort of things should we consider as we cannot think of anything that could be triggering this!! I am so keen not to cause more anxiety through whatever action we take! Thanks

Maybe her problem is leaving the comfort of home and not school per se so much?

When DS was in Reception he started saying he didn't want to go to school on the way there. I sat with him on a bench when we got there and told him a story about a boy who didn't want to go to school, so he stayed at home. But then he wanted to play with friends, but all the other children told him they didn't know him and didn't want to play with him. So, he decided to go to school again and got lots of friends again.
He stopped saying he didn't want to go to school. At least until now that he's on year 8! Sigh.

Anxiety and separation anxiety are, sadly, increasingly common in children today. Some children are, naturally, worriers. And schools and children's social world's are increasingly pressurised. Kids pick up on this - some are more sensitive than others. And Y2 can seem v serious all of a sudden.

Crucially you need to find a way for your daughter to communicate her worries in ways other than school refusing. Then you can reassure her or address issues. You or school could do this but you need to meet to share whatever you find out. Ways to do thus if she struggles to put her worries into words include- Drawing herself in school and home and asking her to talk about what's she's drawing and what everyone else is saying and doing and thinking. Or playing school and home with a dolls house and asking her what everyone is saying, doing and thinking. There are some useful story books - try Amazon- A bag full of worries, What to do when you worry too much - that can help open up the conversation too. Your approach needs to focus on her feelings - which are significant- not the reasons- which might seem petty. Something like " You must be very worried to not want to go and see your friends. You do need to go to school but what can do to help you feel better. I love you and I promise together we are going to get you feeling better". Then simple CBT and relaxation exercises can be very effective in breaking the cycle- ask school if they have a trained ELSA (emotional literacy support assistant) or another member of staff who works with children's mental health and wellbeing. The Think Good, Feel Good book

• readily available again- is a good resource for school with this.

NHS and Young Minds websites can be useful for adults to help understanding.

Thanks both!

@gymntonic that’s especially helpful.

We have discussed with the head getting the school counselor to talk with her but they didn’t think she was quite at that place just yet.

She’s a really exceptionally empathetic child and always has been really caring and concerned about others. The other day her former reception aide happened to be nearby when she was kicking off and helped us/her by bringing her a baby doll and an outfit to help dress and care for it, and focus her, which was just so so lovely and insightful as - they really know her and that her nurturing side is core to who she is. She is so lovely and to see her unsettled is desperately upsetting.

I’ll have a look at those books for sure. They sent us one home called “Ruby’s Worries” already.

We are definitely keen to listen to her feelings and not be dismissive at all which is one of the reasons we’ve been trying to positively reward with things to look forward to rather than negatively punish.

In addition to all above, and in light of your second post, might it be useful to talk with staff about finding a way for her to use her sensitive, gentle side positively and as a way to get her into school - could she be doll or home corner play buddy in a younger classroom at the start of the day -maybe for 10 or 15 minutes? Showing younger children how to play, helping them and having a bit of a play herself even. Maybe take a friend with her. Would give her something she enjoys first thing in the morning and serve as a gentle slope into the school day. And she probably wouldn't want to let the younger children down by missing the session.

That’s a really great idea..... I will chat with the head. They have already made her a ‘playground buddy’ this week for the kids (often the reception kids) who go sit on the friendship bench without someone to play with - and she takes her duties really seriously and tells me all about it .

update : we are blessedly two days into her suddenly back to being happily going into school. Day 1, yesterday, she muttered under her breath, “well I guess I HAVE to go to school” and that was it. Not even a mention today about it, just back to normal. School have kept an eye and said she has been back to herself completely!!

I had the opportunity to spend ALL Saturday with DD as DH was away all day and overnight. We did fun stuff together the whole time, 2 meals out, and had complete 1:1, no friends round, and I even let her sleep in the bed with me as a treat since DH was away. We talked about feelings a lot and how hers are important, and I got her one of the CBT colouring books for younger kids which we talked through. She was an utter delight. I think the 1:1 closeness and the talking about feelings helped. She didn’t open up about anything more than just really wanting to be at home with me.

Long may it last!!

Brilliant OP! Hope she’s turned a corner!

🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼