What do I do about 14 year old d's lying. Really need advice.

[Outoftheblueandyou]

I found 2 chocolate wrappers in the bin and told him off in a joking way about eating my chocolates. His response was that I told him he could have them. I definitely didn't but he was adamant and continues to lie to my face and to my dh that I did. I really don't care about the chocolate but I really do care about the blatant lying. I've told him if he admits it's a lie all will be forgiven but he just wont. I really don't know what to think and can't believe he could lie to my face about something I know I didn't say. He refused to back down. What on earth should i do?

Laxative chocolates.

And be patient...

Move on. You’ll have bigger battles. You e backed him into a corner over nothing. You’re sure it was t DH?

It’s not about chocolate or fibs, but you probably already know that.

Is this an isolated incident or has he lied before about more serious stuff?

Isolated as far as I know.

If it’s an isolated incident I’m going to guess you did agree he could have them when you were distracted as it sounds like such a pointless thing for him to insist on so he’s probably feeling genuinely aggrieved. If this is the worst problem you have with your 14 year old you are pretty lucky.

Are you absolutely sure this is not all a misunderstanding, that when you were pre occupied e.g doing chores/watching TV/cooking he asked for something (and you said yes thinking he was asking for something else not realising it was the chocolate)?

I wouldn’t come on mumsnet about one isolated incident
Is this an isolated incident, if so, he’s just doing the old
Deny deny deny
Which we have all done. Even when we know the truth is the better and eaiser option. We just cannot back down no matter what!

But as an adult I would never do that, but he’s a teenager!

If it’s a repeat problem then there is an issue, if not. Don’t sweat the small stuff

It’s an isolated incident - is it really worth this much worry? Either you did tell him while distracted (which would explain why he didn’t bother hiding the wrappers) or he’s just backed himself into a corner and can’t see a way of climbing down. Everyone has done so at least once. Just let it go - it’s only really an issue if he keeps doing it.

Really? You are that upset about chocolates? I just can’t even fathom this being an issue.

I know this is a bit odd but I think there is something worse about someone telling such blatant, obviously false lies. It makes me wonder if they actually believe what they are saying.

I mean most people lie to get out of trouble when they think they can get away with it but this is weirder.

“All will be forgiven” ffs.
Is there even a 1% chance that you told him he could, or that he said “can I have” and you didn’t hear him and he took it as assent? Ie, could he be right? Because if so you’re insistence on an apology will backfire.
My ds lied about something last week. He got a punishment (his favourite stuff taken away for a day or two) but I’m not going to guilt trip him about it forever.

Erm move on as the big battles you have will shape his life

I think you will find in the next 4 years he will lie about a lot more serious stuff than a few chocolates. Pick your battles OP and when he does start lying about where he has been etc etc then come back on here and we will all tell you not to worry and to pick your battles as he will be up to much worse stuff! Welcome to mothering a head strong teenager!

I'm fascinated by accusations of eating my chocolates in a house with several other people. If there are chocolates, they're House Chocolates

It’s a couple of chocolates, not a line of coke! Ask yourself if you want to be that controlling parent. Your ds will come to you when he has issues but only if he knows you won’t create a drama about a couple of chocolates.

Don't push it this time, I had this with DD years ago we'd had words about how many sweets etc she'd been wasting her money on. I'd banned her from the shop, she snuck out and bought 4 packets of sweets. I found them and confiscated them and hid them in a cupboard. She found them and ate one and swore blind she'd only bought 3.

It went on for way too long, yes she eventually admitted and apologised but it really wasn't worth it.

A quick 'look I know what I have and haven't said, don't try and manipulate me like that' Walk off and ignore it from then on.

A post mortem about two chocolates :(

He was caught of guard. Now it is done I would have a conversation about trust. Looking back I believe my mum's speech was something like....

If you're caught telling little lies I won't be able to believe you about the big things. Trust is easily broken but takes a while to build up again. The reason I let you x/y/z is because I know you will be where you say you are. It's harder if I can't trust you.

One of Judge Judy's favourite sayings is
Q. How can you tell if a teenager is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

When I was about 14, my mum came home from shopping with a Dirty Dancing DVD. When I told her I’d never seen it, she said “Oh well you can watch it while I’m at work tomorrow”. Next day I got home from school and put the DVD on. She came home about halfway through and was really annoyed to find me watching her DVD. She’d completely forgotten that it was her suggestion.

Is there any chance something similar could have happened here? Or perhaps you were distracted/ misheard him when he asked? If he hasn’t got form for this, it seems odd for him to insist you gave permission.