To think my oh is passive agressive?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

My OH doesnt live with me. Often i cook a tasty meal and he washes up.. fairly normal stuff but every so often he goes one step further and he cooks and washes up and then makes "jokey" comments like "you do alright dont you?!". Yest he cooked and then washed up when i was on school run so when i got home i txt him to thank him he txt back... "Yeah I'm a mug on the washing up...thought it would be nice for you though"
The day before I got home to find him washing up. I said thank you for doing that. His reply was
"Ive made it essier for you.. Ive done it all for you so theres nothing for you to do"
Am i being over sensitive?

I would probably buy an over sized medal and get in engraved with ‘Thanks for doing the dishes - you’re the best’

But then I have pa tendencies.

You're "confused?" Really??

And no, my husband has never once been asked to contribute to housework or demanded praise like a spoilt child because he's an actual adult.

Take your blinders off and raise the bar.

Aquamarine Who are you to talk so aggressively and rudely to the OP?

Maybe try a little less investment in threads and a little more understanding.

Yes - my husband does the dish rinsing after dinner. He is also my sous chef every night when I cook dinner. And he does the packed lunches for us both. Obviously there's other stuff but while we're on the subject of "kitchen tasks" I thought I'd mention them. I do thank him for helping out - because he thanks me and I think it's nice to be appreciated/appreciative but I know he doesn't expect it. He just does his (sometimes more than fair ) share.

No my dh doesn’t expect constant praise. Perhaps he’s from a family, who expect thanks for everything. Or conversely wasn’t given enough praise as child so is constantly seeking it. Or is he the sort of man, who thinks he is performing wyfework?

Perhaps have a discussion about being a team and working together. Does he expect thanks for the food but not thank you for washing up?

I think he just wants to make sure you notice, and praise him. My husband can be a bit like that, but now knows how important it is for the kids to see dad doing house work as normal has doesn't make comments very often.
Maybe make a little joke, and ask if he would like a gold star.

I thank my husband for dinner. He thanks me. But neither of us rub it in each other's faces that we've done them a MASSIVE favour by doing it because we're not dickheads.
Please don't move in with this guy.

My DP has never said or done anything like this.

He sounds a bit of a dick to be honest. I wouldn’t call it PA but I wouldn’t be happy

Hes also said before he'd like a certain new car "for the kudos"...

Sure, why not. It’s his money after all. Just make sure you don’t fund it.
Not sure how that relates to the dishwashing issue though

"for the kudos"?!?

Sounds like he thinks A LOT of himself.

My husband and I are naturally very 50/50 with chores, and we do say 'thanks for X hon' quite often because it's lovely to feel appreciated.

At best, in isolation, it could be a harmless (shit) attempt at banter, at worse it's a red flag that he's a bad egg.

Does any of his other behaviour stand out? How does he treat his family and friends?

Yest he cooked and then washed up when i was on school run

So he cooked, washed up, and you was on the school run picking up your son?

Why do you mention the school run, is the relationship serious as in you feel that is a shared chore?

'yeah I'm a mug on the washing up..'

He has no intention of doing it after he thinks hes got you where he wants you.

DH doesn't expect praise for washing up. I don't expect praise for doing the laundry. He doesn't expect to be praised for giving DS breakfast. I don't expect to be praised for putting the bins out. He doesn't expect me to pat him on the head every day when I come home to find both him and DS alive, I don't expect a fanfare on getting home from work. We're both adults, parents, the house is as much his (and his problem!) as it is mine.

Maybe you could offer your partner a sticker chart?

OK, he doesn't live with you so the normal partner rules don't apply there, but he's a guest in your house. Instead of being grateful that you cook him a meal, he thinks you're lucky that he washes up. But isn't that what most of us would do if a friend cooked for us?

And then he cooks and washes up sometimes. Is this with your food? That you've gone shopping for and paid for? And then he thinks YOU should be grateful?

How many meals a month does this fool have in your house and how many does he pay for?

I'm not actually sure this would bother me (going against the grain!), provided I was happy in the relationship of course.

The point is that all his comments indicate that he thinks these are all YOUR jobs, and that he’s doing you a massive favour by lifting a finger himself. So no, you’re not being over-sensitive.

Thanks everyone. I think a big part of it is he likes praise .. and lots of it! His mother thinks sun shines out of his backside and constantly tells him how wondeful he is. He loves praise! And wants to feel appreciated and not taken for granted..

But you gave him praise and instead of lapping it up he called himself a mug. He doesn't think he should do it in the first place.

It sounds like he's used to being emotionally manipulated. Likely by his mother. So he over extends himself to help and then resents 'being made' to do it. He cooks and washes up and then feels you 'made' him wash up. Maybe he expects you to shower him with praise like Mummy's best boy.
This sort of person runs around helping everyone, then will text them later to make a point of how exhausted they are. They can't express anger or negative feelings towards anyone so end up acting it out instead. Huffs, moods, remarks etc.
Look to the mother. Has he been in any other relationships?

Sounds like he is resenting doing these things,else why mention it?you can see he has done it.

You do realise that he's not doing you a favour by washing a few dishes after you've cooked for him? He doesn't see you as an equal partner and it sounds like that's a message that you've internalised yourself.

Seaweed that's what my MIL does. We love her we really do but we've watched her get pissed off with SO many of her friends because they "don't appreciate all she does...and they take advantage" when we KNOW she insists on doing ridiculous things for them and then expecting all kinds in return....which she never voices...she thinks people should just know.