To not let DC`s see their dad for a while?

[wellhellothere943]

Just going to get to the point. I have two kids 15,13. I divorced their dad a few weeks ago because of physical abuse. He`s hit me and has hit the kids. He moved out a few weeks ago, and is now pleading to see the kids. They also want to see him as there is a nice side to him too. But i am scared something will go wrong. AIBU to want to keep the kids away from him for a few months?

I don't have any experience, but I'd think the best course of action would be supervised visitation.

I'd he wants to see them it should be in a contact centre, what do you think suicidal care would day about you sending them off with a man who hits them?

Ugh autocorrect
If he wants to see them
Social care

Fuck me, vindictive much?

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND that you feel the way you do, I've been there myself. But the kids have a right to see both parents. He wants to see them. They're old enough to make that decision themselves, and old enough to decide not to go if he is abusive to them again.

If you refuse (though I don't know how you can physically stop teens getting out of the house) then you'll be looking at court where the baseline for contact STARTS at 50/50.

Can he have supervised contact?

I think they're old enough to have their wishes taken into account and they do have a right to see their father. I don't think you'll do yourself any favours in the long run by blocking contact.

@StrongerThanIThought76 it does NOT start at fifty fifty for someone who has been violent to the children. It starts at assessed and supervised contact in a secure environment such as a contact centre.
Did you miss this;
He`s hit me and has hit the kids

But yes the OP is unreasonable for not wanting to send her children off with the man who hits them. FFS I despair I really do

Unless there have been reports made to the Police or ss that can be proved, then YES the starting point is 50/50. Especially if the kids want to go.

Fortunately parental rights cannot be restricted due to someone saying their ex has attacked them. In fact, even in cases of convicted dv dads do get contact with the kids.

It is the kids RIGHT to see their parent - not a parents right to see the child - or prevent contact.

The kids want to go. A court would look dimly on their wishes being refused.

The thing is, SS and court also look dimly on children being out at risk being left in the care of an abusive parent.

Having been through this myself OP I recommend you get some legal advice. Your local women’s aid might be able to help or point you in the direction of a solicitor who specialises in this area. Mine was extremely helpful. My abusive ex does see the kids unsupervised now but not before supervised contact and a lot of other things the court required him to do.

*put at risk not out at risk. Stupid phone. Stupid thumbs

StrongerThanIThought76

A child also has a right to not be physically abused by their parent, what planet are you on? It's OP's job as their parent to protect them even if they don't always agree.

OP it must be difficult considering their ages and the fact they want to see him, but this could be for a multitude of reasons if they've grown up seeing abuse and and having experienced it themselves. Can supervised contact be arranged?

I have also been through this my DD (15) now sees her Dad for coffee in town on her terms. Public place where he is likely to behave, if he does not behave she knows to get help in the form of the police.
She will not through her choice visit him in his home and I will not allow her to stay overnight. I have had contact with social services and they endorse this approach.

If the were 3 and 5 then definitely not, but at 13 and 15 I think they can decide for themselves.

I completely understand why you're struggling but as long as you can assure they won't be harmed it's probably best to let them make the decision. If you genuinely don't think he's capable of seeing them without abusing them then you're right to prevent contact.

I don't know much about contact centres but from a quick Google they don't seem very suitable for a 15 and 13 year old. I think Lonecat's approach is a good one.

Stronger is talking rubbish. It's untrue that they start with 50/50 as a baseline. These children are far to old for the courts to have any involvement anyway. If they want to see him, I would suggest they meet in a public place as PP suggested. Unless there has been police or SS involvement no one cares that he hits anyone tbh, as shit as that is, especially if the DC want to see him.

@StrongerThanIThought76 you understand that thousands of women stay with abusive men because they are manipulated..? Manipulated into thinking it’s their fault, or that they need them, rely on them, feeling guilty and so on.
Without knowing this situation you can not say that these children want to see their Dad purely because they enjoy spending time with their Dad. He is an abuser. It is highly likely they have suffered/are suffering emotionally. Adding to that the fact they are children, and it’s highly likely they may not make the wisest decision about spending time with someone that has probably spent years manipulating and abusing the entire family. A court would not order 50/50 in these circumstances.
Their mother has a right, and a duty, to protect them if she feels they are at risk of physical or emotional abuse from the other parent.

I don't think any parent has a right to block another parent from seeing the children. If DV is involved then you should proceed through official channels to ensure your children's safety. Otherwise if they want to see him and you are preventing this you are being unreasonable

I can’t believe some of the comments 😳

I would absolutely stop my children from seeing someone that’s abused them whether they like it or not. Are people honestly saying they wouldn’t??
What about if your daughter was woth an abusive man but still wanted to go back to him. Would you support that??

Supervised contact only

At 13 and 15 they are really old enough to be making their own decisions. Do they want to see him?

I would absolutely stop my children from seeing someone that’s abused them whether they like it or not. Are people honestly saying they wouldn’t?

At 15 and 13 it would be their decision, not yours.

At 15 and 13 I'd say he can no longer demand to see them.
It's up to them but I'd have a serious chat with the dc's and point out how badly their father has behaved.

@adaline still children. Especially at 13. I suppose they would sneak off in secret but if conversations were open and honest hopefully not.

People are saying they are old enough to make their own decisions, but how do you know their decisions have not been manipulated, that they are making them for the right reason. I speak from experience and this is worrying.