Absent 14yrs - Birth Dad wants contact his way

[SugarfreeMe]

AIBU?
14yrs ago my ex was completely off the wall, he left me when babe was 4months old, (16yrs ago) initially he regularly saw D.S. but it tapered off to occasional visits & often not turning up as drinking etc became more interesting & worked cash in hand so he only had to contribute £5 a week to D.S.
I got remarried when D.S. was 2 & Ex went loopy when he found out & threatened to murder hubby (serious threats) & abduct D.S., he's from Eastern Europe. Police were involved & solicitors who both recommend taking out prohibitive steps order, but we wanted birth dad to have contact safely so arranged through contact centres, & tried meditation, ex refused.
We left it with him being able to write through solicitors or my family.
About 10yrs ago he asked for contact, we were advised to ask him to go through the courts as he'd been in trouble with the police & the courts would make sure D.S. was safe during contact, again he didn't bother. Around the same time he contacted my parents asking them to get money back that the CSA had taken off him, so we know that he knew how he could contact us. We stopped the CSA at that point.
Roll on to March this year and my (now) estranged family got in contact with my ex & all of a sudden he wants contact again, we said he could write to start to build a relationship with D.S. if he wants one, he didn't.
This weekend ex managed to find D.S. on social media & contacted him! D.S. is in the middle of his mocks & was really shaken he asked birth dad to write & he was awkward with him saying that they needed to meet.
I contacted birth dad & once again told him how he could start to build a relationship, that D.S. comes first & it's his right to have contact if he wants it not birth dads, he's demanding that we allow him contact face to face & saying we are being unreasonable and he won't stop contacting D.S. despite D.S. asking him to write!
He's saying we stopped him having contact that we are in the wrong.
I feel we have been reasonable, AIBU?

I'm sorry, I've got no advice but I'm sure some will come along who do have advice and experience of this but YANBU at all. This is all about what your DS and he's going to have to go along with that or disappear again.

He cannot demand contact from a 16yo and no court in the land would award him contact at that age.
It’s up to your DS if he wants to see him or not, he’s asked his dad to write so if he chooses not to then it’s tough titties really.
It’s 100% your son’s decision, if he’s not keen then there’s nothing his dad can do about it.
If he becomes threatening or abusive you could pursue a harassment order

And no you are DNBU

No court will make a 16 y.o have contact with a parent if he doesn't want to. Neither of you have anything to fear.

Your son can refuse to meet him and your Ex has no rights. It's far too late for him to start throwing his weight around.

Is your Ex likely to accost his son in the street or outside school? Perhaps tell your son that if his dad just turns up he is entitled to just walk away, look for a teacher or dodge into a nearby shop.

I think he still feels that D.S. is his property.
He's not even sent a card since he was 2!
It's really hard seeing D.S. struggling with this, he of course wants to know where he came from but is also angry that birth dad abandoned him.
My husband has been his Dad since he was 2, so he's not missing a father figure, but is intrigued as my family always told him how like his Dad he is & so have I on occasion. We have never hidden it from him and always answered any questions he had, but he wasn't particularly looking to meet Dad at this time.
I just think birth dad is being incredibly selfish especially as D.S. is doing his GCSES he really didn't need this.