To feel like I’m falling apart

[thegreenlight]

I just can’t do this at more, I returned to work full time 3 months ago after a year off for second baby. I wanted to just go back to my normal role and settle in to a routine with 2 young children but instead was made to carry on my role with 2 additional massive responsibilities (these were not in any way solicited!) which makes it so hard for me to fit in my normal day to day job (and I’m not even getting paid more at the moment as have to wait 6 months!) DS6 is in school, very bright but badly behaved at times, no idea why as he’s not naughty at home (beyond normal 6 year old behaviour occasionally).
DS1 goes to a childminder 3 days a week and 1.5 days with my mum. I suspect my mum is narcissistic and constantly ignores and undermines my parenting descisions, picking fault in everything I do like saying they don’t like their lunch but feeding them only crisps and junk , telling me she’s wiping my skirting boards and draining board but leaving the house in a shit tip when I get home from work with food and toys all over the floor. I feel very betrayed by my husband too, as I always thought he was my rock but when I cried and told him I was finding it hard he pretended to cry in my face and said ‘waaa waaa waaa I’m x and I can’t cope!’ He then lost his shit with me, told me he didn’t know how he’d put up with me this long and threw scissors at the wall taking a chunk out. I don’t trust him now and feel a bit of the love I had for him has died. I feel like everything is slipping away and no one cares.

Did your mother wipe the skirting boards?

Yes, I think so but it’s more a making out I’m a slattern while not having a quick pick up before I get hone. I’m not asking her to do anything like that, it just feels like she does it to shame me.

Your husband is a massive cunt of the highest order and is violent and abusive. I bet you don’t see your ds6 as badly behaved because he is not with you but your twat of a husband makes him feel like shit.
Ltb

A bit of love? I think a lot of love would have died for me. Good grief! Don't be hard on your mum, she is helping you. If you fall out then what? I am rather knocked back by this new fashion of " narcissism" You have had a tough time and your husband is making things worse. You need to step back and think about what you want out of work and how you can get a better work-life balance. Just don't ask your husband. Think about this free child care, is she there to clean your house or care for your child. Prepare healthy food in the fridge for her to give your child. Don't criticise about the junk, just say to save you time there is ABC in the fridge for lunch. She also needs to feel valued. Your stress is rolling in all directions. Take a step back

No wonder you feel the way you do. I think you have two major problems- a mother and husband problem. Your mother is undermining you and your husband is not supporting you. It is possible the way they behave is having an effect on how your ds behaves.
What you said he did to you is despicable. I have no words for that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you're being put upon from all angles. Who's cheering you on? Everyone needs someone.
I've been in a similar situation and would say this time in your life... working parent with young kids is one of the most demanding of your life. A woman needs support at that time it's so incredibly hard. I think you must pick your battles in your situation. One thing for sure though you must call out your husband on his awful response, you don't deserve that.

Grab some time for you ASAP. You more than deserve it xxx

I do prepare a lunch - every single time she has DS1, she just won’t give him it and instead he just snacks on sweets and crisps. I don’t know what I was expecting here if I’m honest.

Crikey, is your DH sorry for that or does he think that’s reasonable behaviour?

I think it's all getting on top of you as it's a big adjustment. Hang on in there a bit longer and see of you can pinpoint what needs to change. You say your partner acted out of character so I would start by a good chat between the two of you to see how you both feel about you going back to work.

Personally if a relative was looking after my kids and saving on childcare costs I wouldn't expect the house to be near and tidy when I got in.

I’ve tried to talk to him about it. He’s stressed too, very hands on dad but it still falls to me to do all lunches and dinners and food shops and letters and costumes for school etc. He loses his temper and then is fine. I made him angry and in that moment he thought it was ok to say it as he was angry. I just cried. All the argue is gone from me as he’s very good at arguing and I’m not. I can’t get over it though.

Step a very lot of steps back. If you are happier with paid for childcare.. Do that for all childcare.

I totally DON’T expect the house to be tidy! It’s just why clean my skirting boards and shine my sink but leave the house in a tip? It’s bizarre and messes with my head! It’s like oooo, I can’t believe you leave your sink like that sort of thing. It hurts because it implies I’m not doing what I should be.

The only childminder that we can get to logistically around work only does 4 days so I didn’t have much choice. I do appreciate all she does but she swings very quickly from my biggest fan to harshest critic depending on her mood and it’s so hard.

It's so hard going back to work after the second. The amount of stuff that gets added to our to do list is unreal. Trying to keep up at work, organising childcare, knowing what's going on at school and what the kids need plus doing to food shop and meal plan and housework etc. My husband does help with the kids massively when he is around but that is very often only an hour a day max because of his job. The only thing that really helps me is routine and trying to be as organised as possible but I still get massively stressed and my two are 4 and 7 so this isn't new to me. I wouldn't be so quick to judge your husband for his outburst. It sounds awful written down but he is probably really stressed too by the sound of it doesn't know how to support you.
My mum has my kids one day a week for me. I'm grateful but she feeds them utter shit and then they don't eat the healthy dinner I've made so understand your frustration there but on the other hand she is free childcare and one or two days a week of them not eating all that well won't hurt too much

Thank you SB1013 - it helps to know I’m not the only one finding this hard. It’s lije I have to be on my top game in every area and I just can’t. Then I have the guilt of letting family down for work and letting work down for family. My mum makes digs about me ignoringDS1 and not giving him as much attention as DS6. Maybe I do, he’s just so much less demanding of time. He had a day off with me and now screams unless I’m holding him and screams all night from being a reasonable (4 wakes a night) sleeper. It’s hell and I’m so tired. I don’t know how to stop him screaming.

Greenlight - I really feel for you. We’ve all been there st some point or other. No matter what our different circumstances are, most of us I bet have felt how you’re feeling.

It doesn’t sound as though your DH is coping either. Your DM is probably feeling the strain. Is she retired? She may have been hoping for some free time to herself and not envisaged looking after children, which is hard work at the best of times. It’s probably easier for her to give your DS what they want. Not sticking up for everyone by the way, it’s clear that you’re feeling it all the most, but there is a lot of stress coming from all angles, and your youngest DS is clearly feeling it, wondering what’s happened to his mummy.

Have you considered going part-time? Is it a possibility at your current place of work, or can you move/transfer/apply somewhere else?

Or - controversial - how about giving up work altogether until DS1 starts school? That’s what I’ve done. We are feeling it financially but the stress in the house is so much less and I’m finally back on track with my youngest after a similar experience to yours. It’s saved our family, and I’m able to be the mother I want to be to them all, the friend I want to be, the wife I want to be. I’m also enjoying taking a bit of time for myself. We can’t afford much (though when I was working I paid eye-watering amounts in childcare and had a cleaner so it doesn’t actually make that much difference) but the peace in the house is so worth it.

Basically - something has to give. Don’t let it be your sanity!

Deep breath, step back and think. What needs to change in order to reduce the stress?