To not want to move abroad with a newborn

[vitadolce2015]

I'm 17 weeks my first child. I live in london. DP grew up here and is desperate to move to Europe. He's getting some inheritance and wants to spend it on doing up a project house abroad.

I was tentatively excited about the idea before I got pregnant. However now the idea fills me with dread. I don't want to move far away from my family and friends to a place where I don't speak the language with my first baby. Surely it's all too much with a newborn. He doesn't seem to understand.

I've also spent the last few years building up my freelance work which is all london based. I'd have to fly back for work.

I don't know to break all this to DP as it's his dream. I just wish we could be getting a place here and settling. It's making me so stressed and anxious. Has anyone got experience with something like this?

Do you think you'll get much practical help from friends and family? If so it is worth its weight in gold! Plenty of people manage without though.

It's easier when the baby is little and you don't have to worry about moving school etc

However how are you going to do up a house not speaking the language? A new house and new culture is hard enough without the stress of a newborn. Are you moving to a place with other British people to help you settle in?

It doesn't sound like there is much planning or realistic expectations of the move or how hard a newborn can be. Maybe you need to sit down and write a list of pros and cons.

Could you take an extended holiday there while you're on maternity leave and speak to people who actually live there and do some research on the ground before you decide for sure

Firstly, you need to talk to him. Does this move need to happen now? Can you maybe reach an agreement to see how you both feel in a couple of years? If you're not keen then don't do it. I did a semi move with an ex, I was flying back for work too. Our relationship fell apart. Luckily I hadn't burnt any bridges here so I was ok, very pissed off and upset, but ok! It can be very isolating being in a new country and no I don't think you are at all unreasonable at not wanting to do that with a newborn.

I think he is being naive about what it is like to be a first time parent. Talk to him about how it needs to be . Bad timing

I'd say its not the best time to do it until all the implications of BREXIT are fully understood.

But, no I wouldn't want to go anyway, especially if you're not married and you'd need to give up work.

Thanks all! I'm not going mad then.

Of course I forgot to mention the dreaded brexit !!

Our families are really excited about their first grandchild and it'll break their hearts if we move away. Especially my mum. He doesn't think family should get in the way, but I disagree. It's very important to me to have them around.

Personally I just think he's been having a career crisis and he wants a project to distract him. But surely a baby is enough??!! I think he's being very naive.

I also think he's being idealistic about how easy it'll be to meet people there and make friends. I just foresee us being terribly lonely. He's very caught up with the romance of the idea. Anyway, the inheritance is tied up in a house which needs to sell. I'm thinking 5 months isn't enough time to sell and buy a house so there's no way it can happen before the baby arrives. Then maybe he'll feel different once the little one is here.

So low about it. Thanks for your replies all x

We moved countries with a newborn. However, we moved with the support of a large international company and good job, so I knew we were well looked after.
Would I have moved with so much uncertainty, probably not.

I would say don’t do it. My husband moved to France when my son was 4 months old and we moved when he was 9 months. Like you it seemed a good idea before I was pregnant, but afterwards I didn’t want to go, but couldn’t tell my husband.
17 years and more children later we are still here, but I still wish we had stayed in the UK.

Sounds like it's his dream, not yours. Also it's a very vague plan - Europe ? Where? The UK is in Europe. Does he have a destination in mind?

I had years of mental health problems greatly exacerbated, if not caused, by a lack of support when I had babies. my husband was brilliant but had long hours at work and frankly he was broken as well. It's still impacting us years down the line.

if you have supportive loving family around you that will help when baby gets here, I would definitely advise staying put. of course if your husband wasn't working while abroad then that could be a big help too, depending on how supportive he will be.

It sounds like he feels it is a chance to 'get away' before the baby is born. Does he get on with your family? His family?

I would never have considered doing this with a newborn - a toddler maybe, to somewhere within very easy reach. But I'm a homebody. It's legitimate that he's not but it's reasonable to wait

Does he speak the language OP?

Sorry, posted too soon.

I think you need to have a frank discussion. The situation has changed and what you agreed to before is now null and void.

Why have you not already had this chat?

Well, he's a bit selfish isn't he, only thinking of some romantic dream in a far-away land and it will all be hunky dory

You are pregnant, have a good life (work) and family and support system around you to help out.

Do not underestimate how tough having a baby is, never mind adding a move to a strange country to the mix. Do you speak the language? Have a support system there around? Know how to access mother-and-child health care and baby support?

However now the idea fills me with dread. Tells you all you need to know.

Visit the idea again in about 5 years time. Then the Brex--sh-it will have settled down. One way or the other.

Do you even have a right to residence there? There's no NHS you know. Well, there is, but you pay insurance per month.

What if your relationship breaks down due to his fantasy fairy-tale life? Cos reality is so different.

Don't give up your security - house, etc. - for someone else's pipe dream.

You have new priorities now with your baby on the way.

Wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

Thanks all. I totally agree with all your points . No he doesn't speak the language and has no work lined up there. We'd have to fly back for work. I've already decided it's not what I want. It's just going to be a difficult conversation. We have already talked about it and how i don't think it's going to work, but we postponed a "proper" conversation until December as we both have so much on with work. It's crunch time though.

Having a baby is a wonderful time but it does put a lot of pressure on most couples. It’s quite an adjustment in itself, adding a move to another country and a house renovation may well be too much.

He also sounds quite unrealistic in other respects. Not speaking the language of the country you live in can leave you isolated and unable to do basic things. A renovation project where you can’t communicate with the builders sounds like a nightmare. If he doesn’t speak the language how well does he know the culture?

I would find your feet as a mum before making a big move for all sorts of reasons. You will have a lot of contact with the health service with a newborn and I’d say it’s tricky if you don’t know the language and especially if you’re discussing something difficult like pnd.
The other issue is the set up for new parents. We’re in France. I have found very little here in the way of baby groups - my experience has been that most people go back to work quite quickly so don’t need that kind of thing. There are some expat groups but only on the cities. It can be quite isolating.
Finally you need to be sure that you’ll be on the same page if it doesn’t work out and you want to return to the UK. Your baby will have two parents and you won’t automatically have the final say if you want to change the status quo once you’ve moved.
We moved when my youngest was a few months old. It’s been hard but also an adventure. I really miss a lot of things from back home but mostly friendliness and good friends... I think it would have been really tough with my first.
Do your research and good luck!

I don't know; I'm quite surprised by the relentlessly negative posts here. I wouldn't dismiss the idea out of hand! We live abroad Europe Zone 1. We moved for dh's job. I commuted back and forth to a job I loved in London before DD was born but I did get to know my new "home" country at weekends etc.

After the birth, I won't lie, it was extremely hard. No family nearby. No support network. Dh constantly travelling, leaving me to deal with everything in a strange country without speaking the native langs and a small baby.

However, to put the positive side of things:

• to move now before 29th March might give you a better chance of increased rights in the country you move to (very uncertain though if we leave with no deal but transition may be extended)

(- personally, if I had a choice, I wouldnt particularly want to live in the UK if it's not part of Europe but you may feel differently)

• state education and health care very good in most European countries (same day doc appts) not to mention public transport
• fantastic consultant led maternity care

-often more family oriented/better working conditions for parents and heavily subsidised childcare

• house prices not as ridiculous as in London/better quality of life/shorter commuting time
• if you expose your child to native lang(s) early you will give them a great gift for life (research has shown that brain synapses develop differently in DC exposed to two or more langs from an early age, improving strategic thinking etc)
• if your child becomes a citizen of the country you move to, they will be able to live, work and study in all parts of the EU as if it were their home country (useful when it comes to university fees)
• you never know, you may in time get to enjoy living in another country!

I must admit, I have a love/hate relationship with my home country and even though it's only a seven hr drive home, I have missed more family occasions than I would like. All in all though, I think the benefits (particularly for dc) outweigh the downsides. Also, happily, my dh proved to be someone v much "worth" giving up my home country for. If he'd been a tit, it frankly would have all been miserable. So make sure your relationship is rock solid before you move as you are thrown together more, and it does put a lot of pressure on you both.

Good luck with your decision op

Having read your update, I agree that if you do move, his plan needs to be a lot more concrete than " no work lined up/doesn't speak the language". A child makes commuting very difficult indeed!