To un-invite this friend

[bananaboats]

Will try & keep this brief! Have been friends with this person for around 7 years, used to be very close but over time not as much. Mainly I think because I got a bit sick of constantly being the one to pick her up & take her places, for example out for a coffee or shopping. She’s never free to meet unless it’s in her home city & has never been to our house despite me going to her multiple times. Recently she has been diagnosed with a long-term health condition & has used this an excuse to cancel on me a couple of times only for me to see her online out the next day enjoying herself with other friends.

It’s came to a head recently as she didn’t attend my engagement party, cancelled the night before saying she was too unwell, but then during the party posted photos all over social media of her & her DP out black Friday shopping & for dinner. If she didn’t want to come to the party fair enough but to lie & then post those pictures just feels like a slap in the face.

I have a big birthday coming up in a couple of weeks & have organised a dinner which she & her DP are invited too & have said they will ‘try’ to attend, the problem is now I don’t particularly want them too!

I have a feeling she will cancel anyway but AIBU to message her & tell her I don’t want her to be there? I’m not really someone who is confrontational or falls out with people, but I think she’s really shown for a while she doesn’t really value my friendship.

Depends. I’ve recently been diagnosed with a long term health issue. I can manage a bit of shopping and dinner with my partner. A full on evening with lots of noise and many people I don’t know would be too much.
Sounds like you resent making the effort. So don’t. But also sounds like you don’t like this person much anyway.

Yes. Tell her 'try' won't eat food you have made and that you have invited 2 people who will come and enjoy your hospitality in her stead!

If you feel that you are able to be straight with her, then yes I think now is a good time to do it. Explain to her how you feel the friendship is only one sided and after numerous blowouts from her you feel let down

Explain you understand her illness is a valid reason to cancel but unfortunately you have seen her post straight after which makes it seem not genuine.

I think you should bite the bullet and say how you feel. Alternatively don't say anything and if she cancels don't arrange anything or invite her ever again.

If you don't think she is being honest with you I would just say they have cancelled a lot recently so it's probably best to meet up another time instead as because it's near Christmas and a group booking the restaurant have said they'll charge for no shows

@Wolfiefan I take your point about the illness & up until now have tried to be sympathetic & take it at face value as I wouldn't like to think someone would use their illness as an excuse. However I think it was more the posting of photos over social media which there was no real need for, maybe thoughtless on her part rather than deliberate but can't help feel if you cancel on someone for a real reason or not you don't post photos of yourself having a good time doing something else!

If it wasn't for the photos of her with other people then I'd let it go because I know I struggle to do stuff. But the fact that she's cancelling on you but then out enjoying herself with other friends (and not just her DP) makes a big difference. Cancel her.

This is a tough one. If she has a long term health condition, it must play on her mental health a lot. She might have just really not felt like coming to your party, lacking confidence or feeling like she doesnt want to be in the kind of environment where she needs to dress up etc and her DP might have took her out to cheer her up and spoil her.

The friends she was out with might have popped over to see her then taken her out to help lift her spirits. You dont really know whats going on inside and how her health is affecting her wellbeing.

But this uncertainty isnt fair on you either. I think its best to leave it. I wouldnt try to send messages being arsey or uninviting her. No need to stoop to that level.

It must be exhausting vicariously following the social media lives of friends, whilst having the reality to compare it to. Ultimately though, who cares what she’s doing on social media? It’s the real life issues you’re dealing with and if she doesn’t want to make an effort, then stop inviting her to things. Jeez.

If you are having a dinner for your birthday I assume you have to pay per head?

If so why not call her and press her to let you know whether her and her partner will definately be attending, and let them know you have already paid, but if they don't want to come no problem you have other people you could invite instead. Then don't invite them to anything else, whether they turn up or not.

Another chronically ill person here; Unfortunately illness is unpredictable and extremely unpleasant, what i am able to do differs wildly on any given week or day, and changes within the same day. As i am also managing severe fatigue and have symptoms that are exacerbated by stress, standing, noise and light - I can empathise with your friend feeling able to go to a chilled out shopping session with her partner who presumably understands her illness, and feeling able to go out and attend a party in the evening.
Her photos may show her having a good time but you don't know the potential truth OP, she may have not been there long, she may have taken ill shortly after and had to leave, she may have smiled for a photo but been in pain. I don't think judging her on what she puts on social media is that reasonable fair or necessary. In the nicest possible way, is it your business? is it for you to judge what, in your opinion is 'just an excuse'

I get that being friends with someone with an illness is hard in the fact that we can be inadvertently 'flaky' but at the end of the day count yourself lucky it's not you. I've had lots of friends fall by the wayside over the years due to the limitations of my illness and their lack of understanding and the ones who stop inviting you because you "keep cancelling" or the ones who say " you do stuff when it suits you" and so on are no massive loss when all is said and done.

Being chronically ill is really, really shit, and depressing, I'd be inclined to just let her have any fun she can have where she can find it and not make it into a slight, or even feel happy for her. She shouldn't have to hide what she's doing on social media if she's doing it, it's a social arrangement, not a schoolday.

Ultimately if you really do think she is just rude you can politely tell her that you think she takes the mickey, or you can phase her out as a friend, the situation is unlikely to change if she is ill i can tell you that.

If she has a chronic illness i would cut her some slack. She may be living in "spoons" ie. 5 spoons of energy daily allocated to doing something and then shes knackered. It can be hard physically and mentally to live like this. Never knowing how you are going to wake up that day and having to constantly cancel arrangements. She may have used all her energy that day shopping and although she had planned to manage your party she just ran out of energy for it. Its not only crap for you but crap for her too. People with chronic illnesses lose alot of friends due to this because unless you experience what its like its really hard to understand.
Give her the benefit of the doubt and show her you arent one of the ones easily put off. And remember..its not facebook..its fakebook.. you only ever post the positive stuff you want people to see or for them to think your lifes fabulous. Bet she never posts a pic in bed exhausted and looking like crap! But if she did people might be more aware of her condition.
Hope it all goes well and you both get to enjoy each others company. Either way have a great night xx

So if she’s not well enough to do the event you planned then she should sit quietly sobbing at home and jolly well have a shitty time?
I’m glad my friends want me to be as happy and healthy and pain free as possible. They understand if I’m not up to something. I generally try not to commit to something I don’t think I will be able to do. But sometimes you’re fine and then you’re floored.
Just be glad you don’t have that same condition to deal with.

I would uninvite her,and choose 2 friends who will actually turn up.It reads to me,shes a user.And now uses her illness as a get out of jail card.

Take a step back. She sounds like she's not that into you and is making excuses - illness aside. Don't invite her to anything else, don't text her first etc. Eventually you won't be friends anymore but without any awkwardness just drifted apart because she is a crap friend. Not your fault. When people say "I'll try And come" to me I always say I need a yes or no, let me know in x number of days. I hate "try" it's like they're waiting for a better offer. It's rude.

To the mnetters who are calling the friend selfish etc... i know opinions are like noses and everyone has one and can choose to stick them where they like. Indeed..thats probably the whole point of mnet.
But as someone who has a chronic illness i am sitting here just about weeping at some of the comments.. and i pray my fellow mnetters who have never had to struggle, always remain strong and healthy individuals as i would never wish ANYONE to experience the daily pain, fatigue and mental struggle that someone who has a chronic illness has to face with no end in sight.

@Teagoanngoanngoann you are taking this thread too personally.

The cf was like this before her illness.So its the way she is,the illness hasnt made her like this

@dustarr73. Maybe u are right. Its a sore point for me 😪

Tea I'm sure if it wasn't for the photos of friend enjoying herself with others OP would be more sympathetic. It's just that it LOOKS like friend is making excuses to get out of spending time with OP. To be fair PP may be right that she'd felt crap at that particular time and then perked up the next day - I hadn't thought of that. I guess it depends how many times it happens - cancelling every time but out with friends a lot = personal, cancelling sometimes = illness-related so fine.
Maybe OP should take a step back emotionally - invite but do so knowing that she may cancel (for reason or for an excuse) and not get bothered when she does. Give her the benefit of the doubt but don't put yourself in a position of getting hurt.

Even if she has just been diagnosed with a health issue, it sounds like she’s been flaky like this for a long time. The cancelling on you but then putting pics on social media shows she just doesn’t even consider your feelings - this would be a last straw for me. Un-invite & ghost is what I’d do. She doesn’t seem like a “friend” at all.

Agree with everyone else re chronic health issues. I wouldn’t be up for a party type thing with loads of people but could happily manage a few hours shopping and dinner with my very understanding dh.

But, having said that, if you don’t like her anymore for whatever reasons, you don’t like her. I am not sure you can uninvite her now though, just stop inviting her to things in the future.

I’ve likely had the condition I’ve been diagnosed with for months or even years. Just because someone has recently been diagnosed it doesn’t mean they’ve only just developed this condition.

I would certainly be working on the assumption she isn’t coming if you don’t get a firm yes. And I wouldn’t be chasing her.