It's a MIL and Xmas thread

[christmasiscancelled]

MIL and FIL both have problems with alcohol although they are very different problems.

FIL is alcohol dependent if he doesn't drink has the shakes ect. Drinks everyday and needs a drink to keep him level. He is an alcoholic. However because he holds down a full time, manual job (although has been on light duties since hospitalised 2 years ago with problems with his pancreas) they do not see his drinking as a problem. MIL agrees that he drinks "too much" but not that he is an a alcoholic.

MIL is an emotional binge drinker due to FIL being an addict their relationship has suffered and he has been mentally and financially abusive to her. She spends good portions of the year living (from Xmas to Sept on year) in silence and not speaking to him it's a horrible environment and I do feel sorry for her due to this but she will not leave him. we have tried but she won't do it. MIL can not be depended on to be done for anything, school plays, trips to B&Q, meeting in town for lunch it's a raffle if she will turn up sober or drunk. She is not alcohol depended as can not drink for weeks - sometimes months at a time.

Our DD's first Christmas was completely disrupted because of her drinking last year. On the run up she had been drunk when we had turned up with both grandchildren. Blind drunk slurring her words, falling about and giving DH an absolute mouthful of abuse about how he has never liked her however DH brother begged us to go on Xmas but before we could even get there BIL called she was in the same state the turkey had been in the oven all night and burnt to a crisp there was no veg, or anything even in the house. We went last min to my mum who was thrilled to be having us and even fed BIL.

Over the course of the year I have kept my distance and been civil if need. I do not go when DH takes the kids to visit (he has only done this twice) I don't particularly want them going however DH has been struggling with his MH and the main thing is guilt about his parents so If he wants to visit and take the kids I don't stop him. Although this may be revised when they are older and more a wear.

Now BIL has had a daughter our niece, who we love dearly but he wants us all to go to MIL at least for a pop in so she can see all the grandkids at Xmas and we can all see each other.

I know she will be drunk... it's Xmas she wouldn't be able to not drink around people who are and FIL will encourage her as if she is drinking with him she's not moaning at him not to drink. We have been invited to DH cousin for dinner who we love and regularly socialise with we have agreed to go there for dinner which MIL will be livid about as her sisters will be there also.

So my AIBU is to put my foot down and say absolutely not, we're not popping in we're not coming near if you want to see you GC start making an effort all year round not just at Xmas. We're going to do what we have planned and that's it?

I think you're totally reasonable, and it sounds as if your DH might benefit from counselling to deal with that guilt, as that's totally unhealthy guilt - I wonder if the likes of Al-Anon might be able to help?

I would go for an hour if it's not far for benefit of BIL and niece. I would want to see them.

If it's a long journey I would see them another time.

He's seeing a councillor through his work although this is very recent development and only had 2 sessions. He agrees that in principle I'm right but feels guilty not going and BIL will be heaping the pressure on as well.

I don't know if I should just pull my big girls pants on and go for an hour - maximum 2 before dinner to keep the peace.

Nope I wouldn’t go at home, sounds like a shit storm waiting to happen

If BIL wants to see his first daughter's Christmas ruined the same way... Well, that's on him.

Put your foot down. The last thing Christmas should be about is pandering to toxic people.

Going for an hour or so coordinated with bil is a good compromise, there's plenty of adults to ensure the children can be quickly removed if the situation is unsuitable but it's your dh's mum so of course he feels he should see her. As you say, her situation varies so maybe she will be on her best behaviour

Compromise on boxing day. Stay at home on Christmas day for the kids, playing with new toys, slum around in pj’s etc. You could even start a new tradition that boxing day is the extended family day and save yourself from this annual headache.

Surely there is somewhere else you can see BIL and niece? I would say you'd love to meet up with them but you don't want a rerun of last year around your DC so it will have to be elsewhere.

The issue here is that bil wants to please his mum. And wants you all to go along to appear as one big happy family- doting gps to their gc. But this isnt the case. It doesnt benefit the gc at all. It revolves around those two.

I wouldnt go just to keep the peace. You are standing up for your kids. They dont ever need to be around such a situation just to please adults.

Is she less likely to drink in the morning? If so, plan a breakfast on Xmas eve or Boxing Day.

I think you’re reasonable. My DF is an alcoholic and I know from experience that unless they actually lose something as a result of their alcohol consumption, they’ve no incentive to stop. They need to experience the consequences of their behaviour. Otherwise, if you forgive it and make compromises and do what they want in the hope they’ll change, you’re just enabling it.

It sounds like a quite a complex dynamic as I think your MiL is both an enabler and an addict herself.

Ppoi in the night before, briefly to drop off presents. Co ordinate with bil and have a rehearsed exit plan.

I highly doubt she will be sober but stranger things have happened.

I would be secretly seething that she managed to keep it together for BIL and niece but couldn't / wouldn't for our DD.

BIL and MIL have a strange dynamic he can't see past her when she's hurting other people, is all about how we should all forgive her and help her that is until she does it to him and all hell breaks loose for a few months ... rinse and repeat.

DH has been trying to keep his relationship on a level pegging with them rather than this endless falling out, arguing, promises of change and then the inevitable disappointment. If there drunk we don't visit simple.

MIL has always very openly told DH and BIL that BIL is her favourite. Not in a bad way just to that you like one person more than an other - exact quote

My late DM was an alcoholic. I remember having friends around and her being so drunk she would chase my father around the house as he was trying to get away from her screaming at him. Stumbling so much she broke the TV. In front of my friends/other family.

I feel for you OP, and I wouldn't willingly put myself or my DC in that situation.