Waiting for things to get better... do they?

[Justanothermotha]

I am looking for some perspective & the truth in others opinions. Lately everything my OH does annoys me. I very rarely enjoy being with him and am far happier in the company of friends/family. I know this is my issue and I should probably call it a day however we have a 5yo DD & she absolutely adores him. I know she would be heartbroken & in amongst the monotany there are times where I do like him. For context he has worked abroad for the past 7years (been together 15) and has been living with us full time for almost a year. Am I just not used to sharing my life with him? I don't rely on him for anything, he is in no way a help to me day to day & I feel like I have another child to look after. I didn't mind doing everything when I was here alone but now I resent it. Our sex life has dwindled to maybe once every 2 weeks if that. Is my resentment causing this? I find it difficult to be loving towards him as I am so annoyed 99% of the time. I am very self sufficient, almost too much perhaps. I don't discuss work issues/friends etc with him as I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I don't know what to do, does anyone else just go on through life like this? There's nothing particularly that he does but I am irrationally annoyed by everything e.g. if he goes our DD a telling off when I don't agree(although I never tell her this or him I just seethe quietly) help! Sorry it's so long.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I don’t have the answer I’m afraid, but I know something of what you feel. When I hit 40 I had a mid life crisis i suppose (still ongoing). I felt bored, depressed, didn’t want to engage with husband, thought grass would be greener if single, only staying together for our son. I underwent therapy and started reading about what I really wanted from life. I think the difference between you and me is that you don’t sound as if you are in love with your husband anymore? Are you? I am with mine and I know I want to be with him, it’s just I need to sort my head out first in order to find internal happiness.

It won't get better if you don't actually change anything. Partners talk to each other, share the boring details of their day and how they are feeling.

DD can adore her daddy regardless of whether you and him are together, and it sounds like she will already be used to him not living in the house.

If you really want to work on it I would suggest talking to DH. Go back to getting to know each other again. A lot changes over 7 years so you need to reconnect with each other. "Date nights", time spent as a family etc. Why does he not help out? Is it because you want it done your way and won't let him or is he uninterested? You need to be on the same page with regards to discipline for DD.

Basically, talk to him.

Thank you both very helpful replies. The truth is I don't know if it's a 'grass is greener" situation. I cannot imagine living my life like this for another 10 years. When he was away at work life was easy, me &, DD has our own routines and everything went along nicely. Now he's back I am constantly stressed & on edge. I feel like I can't enjoy my own home. It seems that he is oblivious to this!? Although he does sometimes make comments such as 'you're not the same person I met' etc but when pushed never elaborates. He's right, I'm not the same person, I'm grumpy, cold hearted and seemingly emotionless. I know it's all going to come crashing down sooner or later but I can't seem to get the words out.

Ok, you’re not cold hearted or emotionless. You’re the opposite. You’re going through huge emotions, so many that your brain is almost shutting down it seems. You are trying to process an awful lot.

One thing you do need to remember is that it isn’t just your home. It’s his home too. He has every right to be there.

I really think you need to talk to him about how you feel, which is basically resentment that he’s back. You also really need to think about what you want. It sounds as though at the moment it really isn’t to be with him. However, do you think that you could work together to become closer as a couple? You’ve lived so long apart that of course it’s going to take time to get used to things. There’s a lot to consider here so you need to give yourself time