About this 'friend' ?

[greycloudyskies]

Background: I have a friend, who is a few years older than me, our kids are similar ages, We get on well together and our children are friends too.

I'm going through a bit of a down time atm due to a recent bereavement and contacted this friend to meet for a coffee and a chat. I suggested a day which she couldn't do but offered another which I agreed to and we agreed to make plans later on in the week.

The day comes, I message friend about plans, no answer. Message again a bit later to double check things and no answer. Day comes and goes (whilst I can see she is active on all other SM) and there has been no contact. She has a bit of form for being 'bad with messages' etc claiming she forgets, or doesn't see them but when I'm with her she's on her phone constantly. Some other things too but you get the picture.

I don't know if I'm Being a bit U to be upset by this as she knew my circumstances and that I've been struggling or if grief is clouding my judgement. Feel like I'm constantly chasing her or 'pestering' her to see me. Any ideas?

That's really poor behaviour from her . Is there anyone else you can meet up with ? I would be very hurt under the circumstances

Perhaps she’s a fair-weather friend, only supports you when it’s very easy to do so.

A bereavement support group might be the way to go.

She sounds a bit shit to be honest. I'm very scatter brained when it comes to message but if a friend was going through a hard time I'd make damn sure I checked for messages and kept arrangements.

I'd probably not bother chasing her up anymore. Focus on other friends and see if she bothers making an effort.

Sorry forgot to say I'm really sorry to hear about your bereavement I hope you have other support around you?

Poor of her not to let you know

If she has form for this I really wouldn't bother and put your interests into other friendships instead. Go and do something nice and don't waste any more energy thinking about her/him. X

I’m sorry for your loss.

I can understand reading a message, being distracted by something else (especially children) and forgetting to reply but anything other than that is just rude. Sending more than one message and knowing the person is always on their phone and on other social media says to me they were intentionally avoiding you. I’m sorry she is like this. I wouldn’t consider her a friend anymore.

Thank you all for your kind messages.

I guess it's just me - without sounding too sad or pathetic I genuinely don't have very many friends, especially friends with children of a similar age. It's not even the first time she's done this or similar either, I just don't know why I put up with it. I'm very close to family so spend most of my days at my mums, or at work etc. It's almost like she makes it known that she's 'found time' for me and that I should be grateful... and I act like it too ugh. She always double books herself too, so she'll make it known eg 'i can see you at 3 but I have to be at x place for 6'

Think it's Defo time for me to take a big step back!

Sorry for your loss.

I would be hurt too and would find it incredibly rude. I have friends like this too. I would wait until she reaches out to you to next make plans.

That’s poor form on her side.

Why are you putting up with it?

Be rather less available to her, calmly call her out on bad behaviour - don’t be the friend it’s ok to treat badly - because guess what? She'll treat you badly.

Sorry to read of your loss 💐

To be honest I wouldn’t want a friend like that. As a pp posted maybe a bereavement group could help you through this difficult time.

Take care.

Sorry to hear you've gone through this op and for your bereavement.
I'm interested in your replies though because I had a similar with a friend recently and have been questioning the same. Interesting to hear I'm not going mad and it isn't something a true friend would do. Sadly I'm going to distance myself from said friend, and I suggest you do the same.

That’s so sad. I have a friend in a similar situation. Doesn’t know many people locally and just needs more friends really. I (not blowing my own trumpet) am a good friend to her but I can see just me isn’t enough. Does anyone know good places for women with children to make new friends?

Flaky, bin her. Sorry for your loss

I was going to say as you have recently suffered bereavement maybe she feels awkward as she doesnt know what to say to you (we have just lost my MIL and are finding this with a few people). But then again its just damn rude of her and very inconsiderate of your feelings. Sorry for your loss, its hard I know.

I would have very low expectations of this 'friend', she sounds like a flakey fairweather friend. Somebody on their phone, whilst in company is very rude.

She clearly can't be bothered.

Time to find some new friends. Makes me mad when they are online all day and don't even bother to check their messages. It takes SECONDS.

I'm sorry for your loss

@CombinationOfWords shall we be friends instead?

All of you are so right - I know this. I suppose it's because I feel I have to keep persevering because I don't have many other friends left - so I can't loose her too. But it's not right, I always feel 'squeezed in' and like a nuisance which I don't want to feel like at all. Still haven't heard from her. It's very odd. I think in a way she has 'too many friends' and she doesn't know how to allocate her time between friends work and kids. She can never spend any time alone, or just with her children, she always has to have someone there. Maybe it's a popularity thing who knows 🤷‍♀️

I hate friends who make you feel like an option and that you should be grateful they have time to see you. Pah!

Also

@starkid that's literally exactly it! It's so sad too - I wonder if those people know they're doing it or if they're oblivious? It always comes across with friend that I should feel grateful that she's 'fitted me in' in her busy schedule.

I thought she was a good friend, someone who I got on with and could have a laugh with and our kids would grow up together - seems like that's maybe not the case so much any more

I had a friend like this - we arranged to meet for dinner after work. Texted on the day to confirm but no reply so I just left it. That was 2 and a half years ago - I absolutely refused to text her back first since she ignored me and never apologised. I guess I didn’t care that much about my friendship.