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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how the eff people keep their homes and kids immaculate!?

101 replies

ThisCharmingmamm · 28/11/2018 12:04

I'm a SAHM to a 4 yo and a 7mo. I could clean all day and it would still look like a bomb has gone off.

I could get the kids changed 400 times a day, bath them 3 times and they'd still be grubby and bedraggled!

Don't even get me started on myself. I resemble something that looks like a cross between miss trunchbull and mrs doubtfire.

When we go out to baby groups or soft play so many of the mums have a full face of make up, they look stunning, with a put together outfit and their kids squeaky clean and even on trend themselves. I can just bet their home is the same.

I am ashamed of myself for not being able to keep up with the Joneses I have to say

OP posts:
adaline · 28/11/2018 14:30

I really hate this belief that people who have tidy homes don't allow their children to play, get messy or have fun. I grew up in a tidy home and I had a wonderful childhood, I just learnt that I couldn't make a mess and then wander off and leave it. I could do what I wanted - colouring, painting, baking, but if I made a mess then it had to be cleaned up before moving on to the next activity - isn't that the right way to teach children? That they have to tidy up after themselves?

We have a puppy so everything that's not tidied will just get chewed, played with or destroyed - you soon learn! Our rule is "if the dog chews your stuff, you didn't put it away properly". We have to have clear surfaces, shoes away in cupboards and jackets hung up, or the dog will chew them, pull them on the floor or eat them!

Happyandshiney · 28/11/2018 14:33

adaline it goes hand in hand with the MN received wisdom that you can only have well behaved children if you crush their spirit and turn them into robots.

1moreRep · 28/11/2018 14:37

my homes immaculate (my kids love with their dad 3 days a week so it's easy to clean) and i'm a bit of a neat freak.

my kids, erm are clean and tidy for school but the weekend they do their own hair etc

me? i'm a shit storm- generally in work out gear if i'm not in my work clothes

wotsittoyou · 28/11/2018 14:47

No matter what anybody tells you, nobody has more than one set of eyes, ears and hands. With the best will in the world, keeping the house immaculate with small children, requires you to prioritise that over them. It's logical. If you're not willing to do that, then accept it and don't be ashamed of it, I'd say.

My own house ranges from immaculate to a tip in the space of a day, as do most of my friends. Sometimes I'll show up and their houses will be gloriously clean and tidy, other times they'll be a disaster zone. Same when they visit me. It's normal.

I do have a couple of family members whose houses are always perfect. I know for a fact that they prioritise that over their children's development at least some of the time. One has an abusive partner who expects everywhere to be spotless, all of the time. The children have never played with paint, playdough etc in the house. They've been prevented from going on playground equipment in order to keep their clothes clean. They're actively encouraged to watch tv/play on consoles, rather than get toys out. They're fed lots of ready meals, to save and time and mess.

In the other family, the mother is extremely houseproud and it forms a big part of her identity. Her home is absolutely beautiful - always. But I know that when her children were tiny, she used to leave them to cry it out in their rooms with a safety gate on the door, so that she could clean the house from top to bottom every day. They were usually confined to their room except for meals and outings. Whenever I turned up, she'd tell me to nip up and see them. Very sad. She, again, is encouraging of screen time over play - although she wouldn't admit it. Her 10yo has nothing in his - beautifully clean - bedroom but a computer console and some lego ornaments.

If your children are given all day access to sensory/messy play, have little friends over, are cooked food from scratch, are given lots of attention, are allowed to play outside and get messy etc - you are going to have more washing, more washing up, more hoovering, more wiping, more tidying to do, and it cycles throughout the day, so it's constant, not something you could plough a couple of hours straight into and expect to last, and you'll have less time to do it because you're busy interacting with your kids.

However, you'll probably get some posters coming on soon to tell you that they do all of the same things but are just better than you and work harder, which is why you can't tell that children even exist in their house.

MondayImInLove · 28/11/2018 14:57

I make sure the DC’s faces and hands are clean after eating, even if just a snack.

No eating outside of the kitchen or dining room.

We don’t eat very messy food, for ex never spaghettis (other pasta that can be picked up with a spoon or fork are of course ok). If eating out, I choose the DC food taking into account the mess potential, ie I’ll choose the pinapple drink over the dark-red cherry one.

Snot is wiped as soon as I see it. And extra check before taking someone in my arms.

I teach them things like tucking a shirt inside their pants

adaline · 28/11/2018 15:03

With the best will in the world, keeping the house immaculate with small children, requires you to prioritise that over them.

No, you just don't let your children rush around from activity to activity without getting them to clean up afterwards. I was never allowed to just go from activity to activity without tidying up after myself - I was still allowed outside, to get messy and to make mud pies - I just wasn't allowed to make mud pies then go and sit on the sofa without washing my hands and taking my dirty clothes off. I was allowed to paint and colour - at the table in an apron/old t-shirt so that it didn't matter if it got covered in stains.

Why is there a weird belief (according to MN) that you can't have a tidy house and small children without somehow neglecting your children for hours everyday?

BumsexAtTheBingo · 28/11/2018 15:03

Children who are always immaculate are not happy children. They inherit their parents anxiety about always having to look perfect. Without exception when I worked in early years the children who would cry their eyes out because they got a bit of mud on them, lost a bobble or told us they weren’t allowed to paint etc were the children dropped off in head to toe co-ordinated and often designer clothes, elaborate hairstyles with no hair out of place etc. In fact we were often given lists by parents of what the children weren’t allowed to do and it had been drummed into the children as well. No playing outside, no painting, no felt tips etc. That is what it takes for kids to be pristine at all times.
It’s not just about tidying after yourself which is common sense. Young kids get muddy playing (if they’re allowed), their motor skills aren’t great and they spill food. It’s normal. Immaculate kids are afraid to move ime and they have parents who prioritise their own perfectionist tendencies over their kids wellbeing.

Pinkblanket · 28/11/2018 15:21

Pmsl that hoovering once a week would keep my house looking tidy.

Purplelion · 28/11/2018 15:23

I cannot relax if my house is a mess! For me the key is routine.
I work 3 days a week so dedicate one of my days off to deep cleaning, then just keep on top of it throughout the week!
Washing up goes straight in the dishwasher, baby is cleaned when she finishes eating, washing is put away as soon as it’s dry, I hoover every evening, make the beds before we leave in the mornings...
It means I never need to spend ages tidying and cleaning when the girls are in bed. Usually 10 minutes and the house is fine!

wotsittoyou · 28/11/2018 15:29

"Why is there a weird belief (according to MN) that you can't have a tidy house and small children without somehow neglecting your children for hours everyday?"

Perhaps because the people who hold that view have tried to maintain an immaculate house with small children and know that it is not possible for them to do that without neglecting their children in some way? At the weekends I have seven under 10's here, three with special needs, who all want to do different things, in several different rooms. The house looks messy while they're playing, even if they tidy away before they take out something else - which a couple physically can't do. The only way I can have a visibly tidy house while they're here is by putting them in front of the tele.

My own children have always been encouraged to help with housework, and they do. However, the youngest is autistic and non-verbal and his needs are best met with free and easy access to sensory activities. That means the paints, coloured rice/pasta, playdough, sand, water, the small world sets etc.. stay out all day so that he has play autonomy. He can't ask for what he needs. Arbitrarily choosing an activity and the timing of it for him all day everyday would be controlling and neglectful, imo.

wotsittoyou · 28/11/2018 15:38

If eating out, I choose the DC food taking into account the mess potential, ie I’ll choose the pinapple drink over the dark-red cherry one

What if the pineapple had added sugar and the cherry one didn't? In that case, I'd choose the cherry, but I know some people who'd prioritise the avoidance of mess over the promotion of good nutrition. My db used to be horrified everytime I gave my youngest spaghetti with sauce to eat with his hands (he couldn't use cutlery). He told me that, if it was one of his, he'd just give them chips.

DwangelaForever · 28/11/2018 15:46

2 year old and a 10 week old here and I sympathyse! My 10 week is quite clean unless he decides to projectile vomit everywhere by my 2yo is a nightmare! Don't even start me on my house, putting it on market soon and honestly I feel we should rent somewhere and move out cause it'll not stay clean Grin

EmmaJR1 · 28/11/2018 15:53

I don't bother...

House a mess
I'm a mess

I make marginally more effort with the kids but... pah

thenewaveragebear1983 · 28/11/2018 15:57

I am a sahm with three dc. My house isn’t immaculate, but it’s definitely clean and relatively tidy. It’s actually harder to keep it tidy when you’re at home all day making mess, my working friends have much tidier houses than me.

My tips are: good storage, stop buying so much stuff, get into a good habit of finishing tasks- even if that means other things have to wait, and use a bullet journal or other list making strategy for domestic ‘everything’. I find rather than doing odd bits of cleaning every day, I set aside 3-4 hours, usually on a Monday and clean properly like a cleaner (ie the whole house, quickly) while Ds plays and watches tv (he’s 3, so this is possible now but wasn’t when he was younger). I do an additional hour or so of other jobs in the week.

Picking stuff up and putting it away is an ongoing, daily task but it’s that that keeps it looking really clean and tidy.

My big gripe is washing- we have no tumble dryer, family of five, and there is always washing everywhere. Drives me bonkers!

thenewaveragebear1983 · 28/11/2018 15:59

And re: kids, I think to be honest they look immaculate when they have lots of new clothes. Mine don’t, everything is hand me downs and charity shop things, and sometimes I think they look like they got dressed in the dark.

MondayImInLove · 28/11/2018 16:00

@wotsittoyou in that case they have water 😉 I am also conscious about sugar

Cupcakecafe · 28/11/2018 16:02

When my house is really messy it stresses me out massively so I try to keep on top of it. I'd love to live in an immaculate house, but I accept that it isn't possible all the time.
I try to be organised. Put things away as I go along, wash dishes after each meal, take rubbish/ recycling out as soon as it's full etc. Sometimes it helps, sometimes the house is still a mess. There are more important things tbh.
Currently my child is only 7m so it isn't too bad, but I expect when they're a toddler the house will be messier. Atm toys go away when she's napping, and only tend to have a couple out at once (rotated often). Highchair goes on a plastic mat so easy to clean, she gets wiped down after eating. Messy play is either outside, on a big plastic mat or at messy play groups.
I try and make sure things have a specific place to live, and get rid of clutter often.
Yeah it doesn't always work, but on the whole the house is clean and tidy. And when it becomes awful me and dh blitz it once dc is in bed

theonlyKevin · 28/11/2018 16:05

Perhaps because the people who hold that view have tried to maintain an immaculate house with small children and know that it is not possible for them to do that without neglecting their children in some way?

GrinGrinGrin

But wasting hours on mumsnet and your phone is not neglectful? Grin

I don't know why people take everything personally. You can have a nice house and children, you just need to be organised. When they are little, they even help you. It needn't take that long to clean and tidy when you have the right system.
If you don't care, it's your home, you do what you want.

I couldn't be bothered to waste hours cleaning before a visitor, or trying to find things lost in the mess. I like a clean and tidy home, I am happier there, and the kids still manage to build forts in the living room when they feel like it. We just tidy up once they are finished.

If I look around me, there's nothing that is not where it should be, unless it is currently being used. That make my life so much easier and saves me so much time. My kids have never stressed ever because they were missing something for school, couldn't find their school bag or whatever gets lost. I never have to stress because they run out of clean school jumper.

If you end up tidying up and cleaning eventually, you might as well do it straight away, you don't need to think about it, it's out of your mind immediately. I like a simple and stress free life, but my kids don't need to be feral to enjoy themselves.

Boxerbinky · 28/11/2018 16:06

I hate the house being in disarray, so I clean as I go and don't leave things for the next day like putting washing away or leaving that nights dishes because they become a pile in the blink of an eye! I do like to be well turned out but I also try to be my future friend, get the prep needed to be ready and leave done the night before. Of course there are moments that this all gets away from me, I have a lovely dh and work, but he definitely thinks the house and baby is my domain Hmm and I have no help to hand. But I am happier in myself if I am organised. I'm also not bothered if my ds pulls out and plays with all his toys and it looks at tip, I've made sure we have easy storage that makes the lounge a grown up zone in minutes! Xx

Dragon3 · 28/11/2018 16:08

First response nailed it:

money
grandparents on tap
cleaner

HughLauriesStubble · 28/11/2018 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wotsittoyou · 28/11/2018 16:29

"But wasting hours on mumsnet and your phone is not neglectful? grin"

Are you neglecting your children to mumsnet?

theonlyKevin · 28/11/2018 16:31

money
grandparents on tap
cleaner

for people who haven't got any of those, the Organised Mum method works just as well. The original "bootcamp" might take you a month rather than a week, but once you are on schedule, it's so easy.

It's especially good because it helps you realise you don't need to spend hours cleaning and tidying up!

Nedzilla · 28/11/2018 16:32

The key from everyone house I know that is 'organised' seems to be:

1)less crap in the first place. I mean way less than many people in terms of everything
2) cleaning or tidying one thing before next ie for after lunch, everything is in dishwasher, anything else washed, dried and away, sides clean etc, before they start work, going out, playing or whatever.
3) food always at table, shoes always off indoors
4))children helping with points 1-3

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 28/11/2018 16:32

My house is very tidy, my kids are as tidy as they want to be. We don't have much clutter and I have a cleaner. Also, it wasn't anywhere near as tidy when the kids were small...

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