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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About the sodding 48 hour rule?

51 replies

BloodyHilariousThatIs · 28/11/2018 09:51

Dd is 15 and hates school. She really thinks that it’s a cheek that she’s forced to go, and does everything in her power to get out of going.
She was caught skiving off by the police, who had a stern talking to her but she still try’s at least 3 times a week to get out of going.

Seen the school counsellor, had tons of meetings with the well-being officers and welfare officers - there are no bullying or other issues other than she just hates it.

She’s cottoned in to the 48 hour rule for sickness, and for the past few weeks I’ve had a phone all from the sick bay saying she’s said been sick and I have to collect her and keep her off for 48 hours.

I know she’s probably not been sick. The school know she’s probably not been sick, but because of this policy she’s getting away with it, and she had 8 days off this last month. Luckily authorised absence but that’s not the point.

Has anyone got any suggestions of how best to handle this? Any way I can challenge the school when they ring? I’m at the end of my tether and don’t know where to turn.

OP posts:
Original poster
BloodyHilariousThatIs · 28/11/2018 10:23

I know it’s not a stupid policy when it’s used correctly but it is when the school and parent both know it’s being taken advantage of but there’s nothing I can do.

She thinks she can just go and walk into a job and that will be it

OP posts:
bigKiteFlying · 28/11/2018 10:25

Is she leaving the house to met someone like a boyfriend?

Otherwise there must be something more going on at school.

I'd talk again to the school - see if they can see away around this - and talk to her about her future.

Fink · 28/11/2018 10:31

My DD did this. I told her very firmly to her face that I didn't believe she had actually been sick, or that if she might have forced herself to vomit a little bit but that she was not genuinely sick. Then I spoke to the school and told them that unless there was evidence of her having vomited or she appeared genuinely unwell, they were not to believe her. She's been sent back to class every day so far this week after self-presenting to the sick room. The school have to tell you to keep a child home for 48 hours after vomiting, they are not obliged to believe every story of vomiting they hear.

minipie · 28/11/2018 10:31

She thinks she can just go and walk into a job and that will be it

But she’ll be told what to do in a job too. So if she dislikes school because of being told what to do, she’s in for a disappointment.

Has she got experience of working? If not, perhaps a weekend waitressing or retail job or similar might open her eyes a bit (if one is available that is)...

crimsonlake · 28/11/2018 10:32

I am sure it has been said and tried but you need to get her to understand the consequences of her behaviour. She does not like going to school and being told what to do. What on earth will the future hold for her? She will need to get a job and work throughout her whole life, who is going to employ her with her track record. Does she understand that she needs some qualifications to get anywhere in life? She is in for a huge shock if she expects to get an apprenticeship as she will be competing with thousands of other young people her age who attended school regularly and have some qualifications behind them. She needs to accept that being told what to do by others is part and parcel of the world of work and no one will ever employ her with that attitude.

Howhot · 28/11/2018 10:32

If both you and the school know she's taking the piss, can they not agree to wave the 48 hour rule? Surely your work can only be understanding for so long if you need to keep leaving to pick up your DD as well, does she not care this could impact your job?

Cuttingthegrass · 28/11/2018 10:33

Does she have a weekend job? Perhaps if she experienced the drudgery of work she may understand how important it is to expand her educational knowledge for her benefit in her future?

ifonly4 · 28/11/2018 10:33

I'd at least talk to the school.

Also, if she's really been sick, she shouldn't be eating much for 24 hours and then the odd dry thing like toast, biscuit or breadstick, ie tell her she can't have food.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 28/11/2018 10:34

My SIL and DD are going through exactly the same with her stepson. He claims to be sick at school but no one ever catches him, and he's then off for 48 hours. They are literally pulling their hair out with it, it's been 3 times in the last month and they have begged the school not to enforce this rule with him but are getting nowhere.

There is nothing wrong with him other than he's a shrewd little boy of 12 who has learned the system..... and he's essentially very lazy. They have been referred to family first (i think that's the name) and Camhs but there is up to a 2 year wait.......

Twickerhun · 28/11/2018 10:34

I was her at school. Had no motivation skived all the time. I was bright, unmotivated and had no bullying or problems just CBA with school - it was all stupid. I went into do a vocational course which was worse.

It was only later when I got motivated to do something that I went back and studied properly.
What positives motivate her? Does she have a career plan? Does she work part time? She needs some get up and go for something bigger than school.

JellyBaby666 · 28/11/2018 10:39

I'd be blunt with her - what kind of job and life will she have if she doesn't do well? Because I have a degree and I was still unemployed for 2 months earlier this year because the competition was so tough for jobs I was too qualified or experienced to do.

Does she have any dream job or goal? If it's say animals could some sort of work experience/volunteering type situation where she realises what she'd need to do to work in that field?

And also, when I skived occasionally as a teenager, my mum used to give me chores to do. So dull, I soon stopped skiving!

Wheresthebeach · 28/11/2018 10:45

Can't imagine home schooling would help even if you could. If she can't be arsed in school she's unlikely to be arsed at home.

One of my friends had this. She was at the end of her tether. Her husband sat their son down with a couple of newspapers. Circled the jobs he'd be able to apply for, showed him the type of accommodation he'd be able to afford. Took him to see some of the rooms as well.

Was very clear - you choose to waste your education - crack on. Do not be under any allusion that you'll live here, off us, in a lifestyle that is a result of hard work and application.

He was serious and their son realised it.

The turn around was miraculous! Son now doing very well at Uni.

CrabbyPatty · 28/11/2018 10:50

I think you need to do more to understand the route cause of her behaviour. Skiving to be with mates is one thing but just hoping up in her room.... Sounds like depression. I don't think "she just hates it" is the answer. What are her friendships like. Speak to the school about whether they are aware of any bullying.

juneau · 28/11/2018 10:51

She thinks she can just go and walk into a job and that will be it

Then I would do everything in my power to disabuse her of that completely wrong idea right now! Without any qualifications she will be lucky to get a job wiping old people's bums for minimum wage. Could you arrange an appointment for her at the job centre or get someone whose opinion she does respect to talk to her about the reality of the world of work she will be entering next year if she doesn't pull her finger out at school? The kind of little chat that Wheresthebeach's DH had with their DS to get him to wake up and stop being such a lazy, entitled little shit? Your DD sounds like she needs a kick up the arse, quite frankly.

alligatorsmile · 28/11/2018 10:52

I absolutely hated school and never went if I could help it. Combination of bullying and laziness. Having a part-time job helped a bit, but I would do the least I could get away with there as well, I'm ashamed to say.

There are plenty of successful people who didn't do well at school, BUT they all put in a lot of effort, a lot of hours and had drive and application. it doesn't just magically happen. Maybe a more vocational course would help her find her spark e.g. catering college?

Charmatt · 28/11/2018 10:55

The policy will be 48 hours if she has been sick. Tell them they need evidence - other symptoms, if nothing else: pale/grey skin, pale lips, sweating, claminess etc. No child is sick frequently, but just the once each time and with no symptoms alongside it.

To be honest, it seems to be a bit of a lax school, if you only have to say you have been sick to be sent home - my office is in a primary school, and our children would never get away with that!

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 28/11/2018 11:08

What Fink has done, do that.

My DD did this. I told her very firmly to her face that I didn't believe she had actually been sick, or that if she might have forced herself to vomit a little bit but that she was not genuinely sick. Then I spoke to the school and told them that unless there was evidence of her having vomited or she appeared genuinely unwell, they were not to believe her. She's been sent back to class every day so far this week after self-presenting to the sick room. The school have to tell you to keep a child home for 48 hours after vomiting, they are not obliged to believe every story of vomiting they hear

There really doesn’t have to be another ‘deep’ reason for a teenager not to want to go to school, many think it’s bloody boring, irrelevant to ‘real life’ and would rather sleep than go. If she’s achieving well despite barely going she probably has a right to be massively bored in class that’s not catering to her actual ability.

I would actually talk to her about finding a new school, one that has something about it that interests or challenges her. TRY to make her see that she has the ability to make HER future better if she can do well now, but you have to be open to looking for somewhere that makes HER feel she’s ‘getting somewhere’ rather than just biding her time at school.

DobbinsVeil · 28/11/2018 11:22

It's probably of little help but I was just awful in Yr10. I can't even explain why. I was regularly bunking off, not doing homework and just totally disengaged. I was put on report and had to go for chats with the Head of House - he'd come into my lesson and say I had to report to him at break. I was always pretty directionless and I don't think that helped. Does she have any hobbies or interests? anything that gets a light in her eyes IYKWIM?

I got my act together in Yr11 as there was a college course I wanted to do. It was a bit late in some subjects and I didn't actually get in! But I do remember my maths teacher commenting to my dad that I was like a totally different child.

strawberrisc · 28/11/2018 11:25

If there's ANY way you could home school I would go down that route. Doesn't sound like anything is going to work. Trust me.

The4thSandersonSister · 28/11/2018 11:26

How is she going to feel when her mates advance and she needs to repeat a year? Natural Intelligence will only go so far when you miss large amounts of coursework.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 28/11/2018 11:44

I'm sorry, I know this isn't really the thread for it but, as it's been mentioned a few times, my curiosity has been piqued.

Do you have to have any training to home school? And is there a curriculum that has to be followed? Is there any monitoring?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 28/11/2018 11:47

(Ignore me, I've googled it myself Smile)

Jackshouse · 28/11/2018 11:48

I have never know a secondary school follow the 48 hour rule.

Blueblueyellow · 28/11/2018 12:01

I was like this in school Op, and constantly having my parents collecting me from the sick bay.I was bored and didn't care.I just didn't find any of it interesting and just gave up really. I would have a sit down with your Dd and tell her she has to complete her exams OR find an apprentiship. She could very well walk into a job but it wouldn't be a good one and she would be stuck there. See her reaction, maybe she will be excited about the idea of looking for an apprentiship. Also I would tell her if she leaves school without finishing her exams and gets a job that she will have to pay you board and food.Mention that her friends will most likey be continuing their education in some form. Be serious, direct and talk to her as if she is an adult.

brizzledrizzle · 28/11/2018 12:10

How does she react if you suggest changing schools? I'm not suggesting that you do change her school necessarily, it'd just be interesting to see how she reacts - it might give you a clue about what is going through her mind?