Am I wasting my time?

[CutOffOrNot]

Hi i know this is AIBU but i need the unfiltered perspective you seem to get on here, so i guess yes IBU for posting here.

Anyway to the point, I have a friend who until now I have classed as an extremely close one. We have been friends for years, have a shared background of abuse and mental health problems (Which is why I'm concerned I might be overreacting) we used to spend lots of time together.

The last two years I have bent over backwards to help her with different things, e.g. babysitting, loaning money, shopping, taking her kids to different clubs. During this time I was seeing less and less of her, only when she needed something basically.

The last 6 months it has got more strained between us, I reached out constantly and she was very flaky with response unless she required something. I have tried backing off slightly so as not to put too much pressure on her, but to be honest I miss her and her kids.

Last week I found out that she's been actively avoiding me and places she knows I'll be. This has really hurt me and I'm not sure what I've done. Now deep down I know it's probably run it's course but I guess I'm hoping someone here might reassure me that's not the case?

So what do you think, have I been well and truly cut off? Or should I message her again and invite her for coffee?

Thanks for reading that, it must have been quite a chore.

I would probably msg/go round and ask why to avoid tge torment of wondering what you've done. However, i think I'd never recover from somebody treating me like that with no explanation.

I think I'd ask her why she is actively avoiding me and does she want to stop seeing me. I wouldn't insist on contacting her/reaching out.

How did you find out that she had been avoiding you? If it is a concrete source, I would leave it. Otherwise maybe one final suggestion for coffee and leave it at that if she declines.

I would let it go and just not contact her, she has made it very clear for whatever reason that she is backing away from you but has used you.

I'd leave it off it was me. She's made the active decision not to contact you and to deliberately about you... So messaging her/inviting her out ect is clearly unwelcome.

Yes it stings, but it's best to move on.

Thank you for the replies. Yes it's a concrete source, I did think about messaging/going round to find out why it's happening but I've chickened out. I think that I know she's done with this friendship I'm just having trouble with accepting it and not knowing why. I'm actually quite shocked at how scared I am of having this conversation with her, usually we would be able to talk about anything.

You say you have loaned money - does she owe you? Just wondering if that could be why she is avoiding you.

I would struggle too, not knowing why. I'd probably wait for a day when I felt a bit stronger and message, just for "closure" if that's where it's going. But I don't know if what I would do is the best advice IYSWIM.

If she's avoiding you at the moment, you're not going to get a good response if you contact her. Back off and wait it out. If she's relied on you in the past, given time she may realise what she's missing out on and then you can have a conversation about your friendship and how it might go in the future. But I would leave well alone for a while.

Yes she still 'owes' money but I wrote that off ages ago and told her so. She was struggling financially and couldn't afford to repay. I did wonder whether that was the problem but I honestly couldn't have made it clearer when we had the conversation, that I classed it as a gift and I did not need it paying back.
I think waiting for a day when I'm stronger is good advice, thank you

@Butterymuffin that's true, I probably won't get anywhere right now.

You sound like a lovely friend!

@gottastopeatingchocolate thank you very much!

You sound lovely and very hurt by this... I’m the same op, I’d like to think that I’d contact her and ask, but in reality I probably wouldn’t as I hate confrontation.

In your shoes I’d leave it and move on. If she’s a good friend and values you, it won’t be long until she reaches out to you. If she does and it’s just for a favour then I would tell her where to go, but if it’s for a cuppa or to see how you are then maybe the friendship can be salvaged.

Agreed, you sound lovely and I’m sorry this is happening.

I’d honestly just leave it. There’s a chance she’ll realise what she’s missing out on (especially if literal help is needed) but who knows. If she contacts you to ask for a favour you’d be within your right to ask why you’re a good enough friend to help out but not simply hang out and be friends.

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago where the woman was ghosted for 4 years, then out of the blue re-contacted. When she asked what happened friend said she didn’t want to watch her enjoying life or something but wanted back in. Be weary of being cut out for some time and a sudden reappearance.

I would back away, especially if feeling fragile at the moment.
In time I suspect she will come back when she wants something - at that point I would probably ask what happened before telling her that you can't give her the time/money/help or whatever it is she wants...

She's a user.
She has found someone else to use and you have been cast aside.
Once the new person realises, she will come grovelling back.
Don't accept her scraps anymore.
Just write this one off to experience.
Don't let anyone take advantage of you.
Block, ignore and delete her from your life.

Thank you for the replies. I think you're all right and I need to step away now. Maybe in the future we can have a conversation about it and move forward/get closure. Either way I'm not going to be any worse of than I am now. Thanks again.

If you do decide to contact her, a simple "Hey, just wondering if you're okay as I've noticed you've been a bit preoccupied and we haven't had a chance to catch up. Fancy a cuppa, or do you need some space?"

This gives her a chance to bow out without actively hurting anyone, and you'll know where you stand, or an explanation will come.