To not care about achievements anymore. I just want a family.

[Newnyham]

I have been at university for so long. I'm training to be an architect and this is my final year of formal education and I have ran out of shits to give.

In the meantime life has carried on. I'm married and will be TTC as soon as I've been in a grad job for a few months. I already have a number of projects on the go on a self employed basis and this is my long term career goal.

I have so many deadlines for writing papers that are 8,000 words + in early January that Christmas will be almost non-existent. In the past I was very type A, always wanted to do the best bla bla bla. Now I just want to scrape through and be done with it forever.

I want a family, and go for walks and have cuddles, and spend time with my DH outside of our study and not have to work on weekends! But I also feel shit for wasting the education available to me, to becomes a qualified architect I don't have to do well, I just have to pass the course and get a job. I'm just finding it really hard to motivate myself through the final 6 months. The work in university is so detached from the real world.

My Parents asked how things were going recently and I got an utter bollocking for telling them how I felt.

Am I actually being that unreasonable? Do most people reach a time in their life where they're just aching for a family and don't really care about much else?

I think it's totally normal and just your biology, but you need to let your head win the battle over your heart a little while yet. I was the same, similar age, got pregnant before I had completed what I ideally needed to get to and it just left me feeling unsatisfied. Much of my children's baby years were spent on me juggling completing what I needed to do and trying to enjoy them. You will enjoy motherhood much more when you have completed your other goals, if you pulled out now I promise when the baby blues set in your mind will start to wonder. You have so much time x

It might be worth a word with your GP. I remember an awful, absolutely consuming desire for a baby when I was around your age - I was completely aware that I didn't actually want one, it was like some wierd obsession. Someone later told me that it can sometimes be a hormonal thing. (I didn't have DS till about 15 years later, and he was a surprise...)

I'm assuming you're in the UK?

If so, your last year of formal education isn't the end of the qualifying road - you'll still have the necessary experience to gain and then Part III exams to take. Having a baby before completing it will make it much, much harder.

Once you've got your ARB listing, that's it. Don't give up at the the last few hurdles. It's hard work, but once you've got it you know you're done. IME delaying just leads to further delays, and very often in the case of having a family before the Part III leads to just not doing it.

If you decide you don't want to do the professional qualifications, then that's absolutely fine, but make sure you make that decision with your eyes open about the consequences (the main one being unable to call yourself an architect) and not just because you can't face more work etc.

You have my sympathy, it's a bloody awful long time to qualifying.

Thank you for all of the replies and advice. I think I might work in the library for the rest of the day and get my head down. I put the slow cooker on so we'll have a nice dinner later at least

Its really helpful to hear that other people have felt the same, been through this and come out of the other side with a career and DC.

Reanimated - I have recently changed from the combined pill to the progesterone only one, just before term started actually. Maybe that's part of it too.

The work in uni may feel detached from the real world, but it can make a hell of a difference to how you get on in the real world. The real world isn't all babies and cuddles. It is also work and graft and bills and travel and holidays and fun and disposable income and doing a good job, and homes and relationships and friends and new colleagues and opportunities and spontaneous decisions and new experiences. Give yourself your best shot. I get how tedious that final year can be but it is a stepping stone to better places. But you can't even begin to know what those places are yet. Let yourself live a little in the real world before you decide what you think that real world is.

Jammy, yes I finish the part 2 course in the summer and still have part 3 and a mountain of PEDR's to wade through.

When I'm working I do really enjoy it, I used to think that I'd wait until after part 3 for TTC but it just seems so long away, and I've heard it often takes a few years in itself?

I do plan to qualify, I guess that's why I've done all of the university years. I just haven't figured out how part 3 it fits in yet.

Do the qualifications. Children are expensive. Very expensive. It's lovely to be able to offer them security and buy whatever they might need, and not to worry if you have a career to go back to after maternity leave.

Also, the part about wanting to relax and spend time with your DH - babies and small children are hard work. I can count on one hand the occasions DH and I, just us, had the chance to go anywhere and do anything this year (even to cinema), and mine are school age.

Imagine you in 10 years. If you complete your studies, get a job and build your reputation you could be sitting with your baby on mat leave whilst having the choice of returning pt or full time. To a job you love.
If you don't finish your studies, you'd kick yourself and may end up in a cruddy job that you don't want to return to - but can't afford not to.
As an unqualified person, I'd say stay for the sake of 6 months rather than endure a lifetime of job hopping between banal jobs.

Been there myself - took years to qualify and now have a good job and I’m now reaping the rewards. We don’t worry about money and maternity leave is utterly blissful in this position.

By comparison, friends who had baby when they weren’t quite ready were racked with worries and some even regretted not waiting.

Good things come to those who wait, as they say...

I spent 5 years at university, 4 years at school before that focusing on getting into that particular course (right exams, right extra curricular activities, right work experience) then 10 years doing postgraduate training. I’m finished now, I’m in a job that suits me. I’m still delighted by having free weekends and time to do things in the evening.

I’m proud of what I achieved, and I am pretty happy with where I am now, but I am a bit broken by it. Tbh I can’t summon up much ambition anymore, I just want to do my job (well) and go home. (And I was previously very type A).

Do you really want a baby right now, or do you just want it all to stop for a while? Could you have a break? I went part time for a while - I just couldn’t take full time work and full time revising on top any longer.

You're on a path to (in my opinion) work nirvana... qualified enough to make decent money working part time.
Stick at it if you can. get a job, then you can kick it into cruise.
I'm 34 have 2 kids and great wife. We each work 4 days a week, 1 day each with both kids, and have enough money to live well (we are happy enough without range rovers and Jamaica trips). I love it, you just need to do that last bit.

Good luck, sprint finish!

I can't remember off the top of my head but you need in the region of two years total logged and verified experience before you can sit the Part 3, but in reality in order to get the full range of experience you need it often requires 2/3 years working post part 2. We have a guy sitting his part 3 today/tomorrow and he's worked for 5/6yrs post part 2, I think (he chose to work longer than necessary though).

Basically, the work and effort required to sit and pass the part 3 isn't conducive to family life. If you decide to have a family first, your part 3, realistically speaking, isn't going to be an option for a good number of years. It takes months of dedication and hard work to prepare for it - and it's done outside of work because you're working alongside it.

There's nothing wrong with not doing the part 3, but I'd suggest you look into the realities of doing it, and then decide what you want to do. There's absolutely no way I'd do it with the demands of a family on my time. I don't know of anyone who passed it (or even attempted it) post children. But I'm sure there must be people who have done.

It sounds like you're in a university rut - once you've graduated and you're back in the real world, waiting for children might not be such an issue.

You are 25. Push on and get it done! Try to do it to the best of your ability as well. 6 months will fly by

Two things...

If course you feel like this now. It’s the final hard slog to the finish line! Everyone is fed up at this stage.

Best advice I ever got was to think about career timing and kids. If you put in the work early on and time it right you’re just in a much better position to keep your career warm, cash in on the flexibility and good will you’ve built up over the years. I’ve got a toddler and being able to organise my hours, leave early/ start late if I need to, wfh is worth it’s weight in gold.

Hang in there OP. It will be so worth it in the end. I was able to take nine years out as a SAHM and walk back into a good job - but only because I had a well respected qualification to fall back on.

Your only 25 so plenty of time for children.Yes sometimes it takes a while to get pregnant,sometimes it happens first time.
Maybe your change if pill is part of this,if so change that.Get your head down and head to the finish.Get a job and settle into life.Then reassess whether you want to be an architect or not.With your part 3under your belt you'd be in a much better place to have children along side doing part time for awhile.
And take off those rose tinted glasses about babies.Also having the life you are daydreaming about needs a reasonable income.

Op l think youb would be mad to reduce your options so dramatically by not completely completing your qualification...yes it feels like a slog now, but NOTHING like the slog you may face if you have a child first.....

You are so young you could wait 4 years and still have plenty of time to conceive......

Once you have dcs you really want to have the choices to work self employed/part time/in a local practice thats perhaps more child friendly... all of which you can do once you are fully qualified........

Put your feelings aside take a deep breath and go for the last slog, you will never regret it!

You need an income to raise a family and give your future children what they deserve.

It’s difficult to achieve that income early in life without a profession.

Get your head down now, if you need to motivate yourself with family aims just remember that when your children are born you’ll really be thankful that you spent this time and energy preparing for them by ensuring you had a solid career and salary so you don’t have to struggle!

I want kids and will likely TTC next year. I spent seven years total studying for my career. I’m thirty now and earn £35k and am on track to reach £44k by forty (I know lots of people on mn will say that’s nothing to shout about but for me it really is, born on a council estate to uneducated parents who worked NMW jobs and we struggled badly financially).

If I’d had kids earlier than this I would have been struggling like crazy to finance them and give them security, but as I’ve prioritised my career and qualifications I know when we do TTC I’ve done everything I can to make sure their parents have good, stable jobs, are educated and can promote and support education in them, am bringing in a decent income so they will never have to go without. I’ve done everything I’ve achieved so far for me as I’d have been happy with it whether I have a family or not, but if I am lucky enough to have children I very much feel that I’ve done the absolute best I can to give them a happy and secure childhood and all of the opportunities I didn’t have. I want to be able to give them music lessons and pay for them to go on school trips abroad etc. I think if you can plan your family then it’s a brilliant thing to ensure you’ve got things sorted before babies come along, as they have no say in what situation they’re born into if you see what I mean?

Well done OP! Architects can earn well. Do you enjoy the subject, and do you think you’ll enjoy the job? I’d give it a year or two min to get settled before TTC personally to make sure you’re building on your education and skills straight from uni when you’re employable rather than taking a chunk of time out for having kids so soon which could really stall or impact your career.

Plus the role I’ve worked towards is very flexible, I can set my own hours, work from home much of the time, I’ll always be able to call the shots and make sure I’m around for nursery and school pick ups and drop offs, I have tonnes of autonomy and will be able to leave whenever necessary for emergencies, unlike OH whose job means he’s there when he’s needed and he has zero flexibility (but earns well).

I honestly think if I’d had kids back in my mid to early twenties when I was working a zero hour contract min wage insecure job it’d have been cruel. Lots of people want children but it’s selfish and unfair to bring them into the world if you can’t afford them.

PS, why did your parents bollock you for telling them how you felt? That sounds odd.

Thanks everyone. This isn't something I feel like I can talk about with other people at uni, and I don't really know any women with professional careers and kids so its great to hear different peoples perspectives. And get some encouragement At the start I wasn't questioning whether I wanted children at the right time, but now I guess thats important to consider properly too, not that I hadn't before I just always saw it as the end goal of studying for so long.

I do really want to become an architect, in with the years of studying was a placement year, and I work in practice every summer so I have seen the work side of it too. I don't think its a career thats really geared up for working parents, though it massively depends on where you work and if you set up on your own you can obviously choose your own hours to an extent. I always planned to be self employed in the end anyway - my DM is a hairdresser and her being self employed worked really when I was a kid.

My parents were pissed as out of my siblings I've always been the one to really push for things academically so I think its hard for them to see that it isn't the be all or end all for me. And of course they don't want me to fuck up 7 years of education. They had kids quite young and though they love that they're now child free at a younger age than their friends it wasn't without it's difficulties.

Its hard though, the way they teach architecture is tough emotionally, you can never do enough, someone else is always willing to work later into the night than you, etc. I think that's why its all come to a head now, the course has always been tough. Still, really thank you for the all the encouragement.

Ps. Basque I'm really happy that things have worked out for you!

I think your family's reaction is pretty reasonable to be honest although I also appreciate architecture is a very long course. I think you are suffering from "grass is greener" syndrome. It's worth finishing off your qualifications and doing well so I think you should give yourself a good talking to and knuckle down.

Personally I worked before I went to uni and you quickly realise how much hard work and how badly paid many of the jobs are if you haven't got degree(s) and professional experience. A good motivator is to remember how hard these jobs were to give yourself focus for passing your exams. I also think you are over-romanticising the kids and cuddles and Sunday walks thing!

I don't have an answer or a solution, but I have never related to a post quite so much - I feel EXACTLY the same.
It's so hard to explain to others because I'm even younger but I just want to sack it all off. I'm in my penultimate year but I'm at uni far away from hometown so not living with DP, we see each other roughly every two weeks. It's so hard, and at times doesn't feel worth staying at uni. But I've been studying so hard for so long I may as well finish the last 18 months. I used to be super ambitious but now I just want to earn some money and have a quiet life. I just can't wait for uni to be over. I've never felt like there's a rush as such, but I know that I want to live with DP and be near my parents and have children so it's annoying that I have to wait years to do that.

Sorry for rant, needed to get it off my chest! I feel your pain OP

Also similar situation re long, demanding course. I'm very different now to how I was when I started 4 years ago!

You will massively regret not giving it your all now. I’m a SAHM and, although I love it and I honestly do, I wish I had stayed in uni when I got bored as a 20yr old and had a career I could go back to rather than just a life of admin jobs to look forward to once the kids start school