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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

travel arrangements/NRP

49 replies

AmoraObscura · 26/11/2018 22:58

Apologies for the poor title, posting in haste on behalf of a friend.

Here's the scenario, you split with your partner, you have one child. Partner moves approx 6 hours drive away.

To what extent is it your responsibility to meet your partner halfway to handover? (Partner has child only during holidays, so quite infrequent)

OP posts:

Harpingon · 27/11/2018 09:09

What's best for the child is not to have a parent move 6 hours away and barely see him / her. I think for smaller distances judges do make allowances but this would be frowned upon and the parent doing the majority of the care would not be expected to pay for and facilitate the contact.

Sausagerollers · 27/11/2018 09:21

If the parental relationship breaks down and the NRP moves out, already missing seeing their DC on a daily basis, why on earth would they move 6 hours away?
Surely they would want to live as close as possible so they could see their child in the week, take them to after school activities, meet up with friends, be on hand in case of illness etc.
Or is this the type of NRP that was never that bothered about parenting in the first place, and genuinely doesn't care that they're not around to see their child on a weekly basis?
An adult relationship dissolving shouldn't mean that the parental one does. The NRP should want to be as close to their kids as possible & move heaven and earth to do so, moving 6 hours away seems like a very selfish thing to do. What if the RP moved 6 hours in the opposite direction?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/11/2018 09:27

I don't think it is in a child's best interests to see a parent who decided to move 6 hours away and not pay any child support. Children are entitled to decent parents, not just any parent, however neglectful they might be!

Poster who said rp is contact blocking needs to get their head out of their arse - it's only blocking if rp denies nrp contact. It's not their moral responsibility to facilitate nrp's bad parenting.

PoesyCherish · 27/11/2018 09:32

What's best for the child is not to have a parent move 6 hours away and barely see him / her.

Well yes quite but the fact is the NRP has moved and so surely it's about what's best for the DC given the circumstances as tjey are now?

adaline · 27/11/2018 10:00

Of course ideally a parent shouldn't move six hours away but equally why should the child miss out as a result?

It's not their fault their parent left and moved six hours away!

sheepbear · 27/11/2018 10:05

12 hours driving in one day is not safe in my opinion even if it is broken up.
Would a flight or even fast train be possible?

itsnowthewaitinggame · 27/11/2018 10:12

If the NRP has chosen to move so far away they pay the travel costs to see their child. However as the contact is so rare, for the comfort of the child, if I was the RP I'd probably offer to drive half way

NicePieceOfPlaid · 27/11/2018 14:09

Judges often have a different spin on it...... it's nothing to do with other parent being 'inconvenienced' ..... how twee!! No, it's all about what's best for the CHILD,you know, the child mixed up in all this,remember?

I remember but the parent who moved 6 hours away appears to have forgotten.

adaline · 27/11/2018 15:45

I remember but the parent who moved 6 hours away appears to have forgotten.

But that's not the child's fault.

Original poster

AmoraObscura · 27/11/2018 15:55

While obviously it's not the childs choice, I guess the question is how far should one parent be expected go to compensate for the barriers the other is putting between them and the child.

Surely it's reasonable to feel pissed off at least?

OP posts:

PoesyCherish · 27/11/2018 21:46

Surely it's reasonable to feel pissed off at least?

Absolutely, it's totally reasonable to feel pissed off. However wouldn't you want to do as much as possible to limit the hurt and upset for your DC? No doubt as they get older they'll realise the NRP isn't prioritising them but as a decent parent, wouldn't you want to protect your DC as much as possible?

ThomasRichard · 27/11/2018 23:19

Actually it’s not all about the child and it pisses me off that this is constantly thrown at women as a cast-iron reason why they should put up with all sorts of shit when the child’s father turns out to be an arsehole. The RP, who, let’s face it, is almost always a woman, does 100% of the day-in, day-out drudgery that comes with parenting. They have to plan absolutely everything around their child and out themselves last always. Meanwhile, NRP fucks off hundreds of miles away, lives as though they didn’t even have a child, gets to pursue a career, dating, hobbies etc. and gets to see their child for fun things like weekends and holidays. They never have to worry about all the mundane bits because RP does it all and they aren’t there. So no, when it comes to the NRP seeing their child, they can bloody well facilitate it because the RP deserves a break. And if that isn’t being enough of a martyr for some people then they need a break to look after their own mental health so that they are able to give their best to the child the NRP has abandoned.

HugeAckmansWife · 27/11/2018 23:20

Yes.. That exactly. I was about to post very similar.

NicePieceOfPlaid · 28/11/2018 05:58

Yup. Well said, Thomas.

bastardkitty · 28/11/2018 06:03

Hear hear!

Phillipa12 · 28/11/2018 06:20

Spot on Thomas. I moved 4 hours away back to family when i divorced, my exh actually narrowed that drive to 3 by moving closer to us but further from his work. He on average does about 65% of the driving as even though he was an arsehole when we were married he realises that i do everything that Thomas has stated.

InProgress · 28/11/2018 06:37

My ex moved 45 mins away at first (he saw them twice a week then) and then he moved abroad so sees the DCs 3 or 4 times a year.

He does the travelling when he wants to see them. I have always done all the school pick ups/drop offs throughout the year We did go through court and they were happy with this arrangement.

InProgress · 28/11/2018 06:41

I should say I do occasionally do some traveling if he really needs it but it's rare. I had words when he asked one time for me to drop them at the airport except he didn't mean the local one he meant one 3 hours away so he could book a cheap flight. Cheeky sod.

zebra · 28/11/2018 07:18

My (now ex) DH lived 4 hours away from his young DCs. He had moved when he divorced, he/we did ALL be of the traveling, even though we soon had out own young DCs. We stayed in hotels where necessary, and rather than frequently short contact visits would have the DSCs for extended periods in school holidays. It never crossed my mind to expect his ex to share the travel. We wanted to see the DSCs, he had moved 400 miles away, and it was our responsibility to go and get them.

blackteasplease · 28/11/2018 07:26

I do feel for the RP in this scenario. I'm lucky that NRP in my situation lives 3 roads away but that's part of the reason why I didn't move far away when we split.

The courts would always look at all the factors concerned in making this work and decided on a case by case basis. So it's hard to judge based on a thread and all your answers are going to be different. It's more to do with the factors involved in making it work than the blame for who did what though.

RestingRhubard · 28/11/2018 16:30

Hello, I am the RP @AmoraObscura was posting on behalf of. I couldn't remember my login so have created a new account.

Thanks everyone for your response so far, it's genuinely helpful to see these perspectives.

More background is yes I'm the female. NRP has moved a long distance away to start again. He has been unemployed until recently so that's one of the reasons for no financial contribution but he also will not take a job for the sake of it, he insists a job must be 'the right one' and I was supporting the three of us for over a year before we split. I actually do understand his reasons for moving away in a way.

Before the move he lived half an hour away and we were co-parenting 50/50. This suited me and the child.

I live rurally so flying is not an option, in fact it adds to the time and costs. As a rule I generally DO meet him halfway, for safety reasons and also for a quiet life, he's very hard done by and I'm bombarded with msgs if I don't do what he wants.

I work full time and as @ThomasRichard has pointed out absorb almost 100% of the "non fun" element of this little person's existence. I probably will do half the travelling but as my friend the OP has said, that will use up almost a full day of my 4 days leave over the festive period (which I'm enduring without my child :( as we've agreed to year about). NRP has two weeks off and the option to break up the journey presumably and be a sensible driver about it(yes I'd worry if he was doing it in a oner).

The question is AIBU to argue or should I just suck it up and drive halfway which I probably will do.

Sorry for long post!!

BlackrockMum · 28/11/2018 16:44

My sil had a similar situation but not as long as 6 hours , the courts asked could they sort it out between themselves but the default if they could not arrange something better was the NRP had to collect from home, or IL house which was about one hour away , - this dealt with problem of x turning up late, the judge took into account my SIL working hours, meaning her 3 DC couldn't travel on Fridays only Saturdays, but her x could collect after school Friday, also judge noted one child often refused to go sat morning as wanted to do sports, they worked well at time and plans changed over time as kids got older

NicePieceOfPlaid · 29/11/2018 06:05

I still think he needs to do all the travelling. If he doesn't like it tell him to move closer.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/11/2018 07:58

One of the upsides to divorce is not having to tolerate someone else's bullshit. But here you are, giving up Christmas with your child, for some selfish prick who doesn't love her enough to stay close and share parenting, who doesn't love her enough to take any job in order to financially support her and you are considering facilitating all this! He can't even be arsed to give up any of his holiday time to get your child - no, that is for you to sort out.
Honestly, if you let him pull this shit, you might as well lie down now and declare yourself to be a total doormat.

I would tell him that dc is spending Christmas with me and if he doesn't like it he could see me in court.

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