Feeling hopeless not sure where to post

[doingeverythingwrong]

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 8 years ago and haven't got treatment because I suppose I don't want to accept it. After I had dd I was diagnosed with PTSD too but again didn't go to my sessions. I am feeling really low and just wanted to reach out because I just keep making the worst decisions and they are affecting the whole family. I always forget to attend appointments and I am abusive and angry all the time to dh, mainly because I can't cope with everyday life and am always stressed. I left my job and dh supports us because I struggle just to keep the house looking like it's fit for a family and even though I was academic at school and popular I have done very little with my life. I just keep making bad choices and I don't know where to start to fix it and even if I deserve to. If I didn't have my dd I would have probably ended my life by now because everything I do turns to shit and it's all my own doing. People think I'm ridiculous and awful. I try to cover up my mistakes by lying but everyone finds out and thinks I am a liar and a fake. I have put on a lot of weight and stopped seeing my friends so I have no-one to talk to in real life. I don't know why but I always want people to think I am doing well in life and coping when I'm really not. My dad is also bipolar and can be really obnoxious and arrogant when he's manic, acting as though he thinks he's better than everyone else and I do the same thing. Sometimes I think I am being funny but I just put dh down and am vile. When we first met dh said he liked me because I was sassy but now I am just overweight and obnoxious and there's nothing lovable about that. I cause problems for the few people left in my life and my dd is the sweetest, kindest and most honest thing but I let her down by being a lazy mum. I can't sleep at night and only sleep 3-4 hours every night and am always shouting at my dh. I really can't cope with everyday life at all and feel like I am a huge burden on those around me. I know my dd would be heartbroken if I wasn't around and I don't want her to not have a mum but I am a truly self-centred person who struggles to carry on as I know that I am a huge liability. Reading this post back I can see I come across as someone who is mentally ill and I am, but I am also a bad person and anyone who gets to know me doesn't like me as I am very selfish and untrusting and think people are trying to take advantage of me all the time which means I end up falling out with them. I embarrass my family all the time. I don't know where to start or how to change. I honestly wish I just didn't exist and that's because I'm a coward and not a fighter, as soon as things are hard I just don't want to be around anymore. I feel really sad and worried all of the time and I can't take it and I feel like I have absolutely no right because I have a kind dh and a lovely dd and lovely parents who have spoiled me and put up with me for too long. I can't make any kind of decision and any type of choice stresses me out. I do try to be a better person but I just keep making the same mistakes and I feel like I ought to try and change but I think I am fundamentally just a shitty person which is why I am ultimately fake as I try and give the impression of being together and a good person but I am neither of those things. I'm sorry as I know I'm not saying anything interesting and not sure what anyone can say but I suppose I just wanted to tell someone. I'm not suicidal or anything as I know that wouldn't be fair on my family but equally I don't know how to live with the person I am. I am always unreasonable so I felt this was probably the best place to post but I'm sure it isn't. I suppose I want to know if there's hope, if people who have been as bad as I am for as long as I have can change. I wish I could just disappear.

It sounds to me like you want to be better, and you want help

First off, you need to start attending those appointments to get yourself in a better mental health space, take meds and do the therapy

You have gone through the denial stage, and now is the time for acceptance and therefore recovery or at the very least learning to manage your MH = for yourself and your family

A lot of the personality traits you say you dont like could well be down to your illness

You need help for that, and then work on everything else x

i wish i had advice for you. My ds is going through a similar situation to you. Would talking to your g p help?

I think it’s good that you recognise how you are being. Now is the time to bite the bullet and start on the treatment and start attending those appointments. Do it for your dd.

well done for putting it all down in writing, this is the first step of you getting help and support to go forward. Your DD is and will be very proud of you. Try and get some sleep OP and have a brighter day tomorrow.

When you're in the middle of this it feels like it's about who you are and you can never be different but that's likely not the case. Please start getting some treatment. If you don't like the initial doctors you see don't give up, keep trying till you find someone who can help you. You deserve to be helped and things probably can be better. Start small - make yourself go to one appointment and give yourself a reward. Let yourself feel fat for a bit if you need to (tackle one thing at a time). Consider CBT - I have a good friend with bipolar who found it very helpful. Good luck xx

Reading this post back I can see I come across as someone who is mentally ill and I am, but I am also a bad person and anyone who gets to know me doesn't like me as I am very selfish and untrusting and think people are trying to take advantage of me all the time which means I end up falling out with them.

You are absolutely not a bad person. What you are is a decent person who is ill. You have things to offer, you have things that are good about you and you have things that people will value about you. One of those things is that you have recognised that you need help and that's a massive step in the right direction.

Be kind to yourself, accept that you are not a bad person but are a good person who is going through shit right now.

You've been beating yourself up all your life and it hasn't worked. Try something different. Try being understanding of yourself, forgiving of yourself. Give yourself a chance at counselling. It actually helps.

Read these posts! What an amazing bunch of MNers!! Please hear them willing you to realise you can do this, and turn things around for you, which will improve everything.

Make it happen! Get an urgent gp appt tomorrow/today?!

Pps, very humbling.

Dear all who have replied - thank you for your time and kindness. I have failed at getting help so many times that the thought of it fills me with terror but I do think that you are all right. At the moment I just want to disappear but I don't want to go down that route as I know my dd is still young enough to want me despite my many failings. I will call the gp today and try and get an appointment. Again, thank you all for taking the time, I am still panicking and feeling sick but I am trying to believe that I can do better.

I'm curious as to why you don't go to your appointments?

You have just taken the first step in your recovery by writing this. You clearly have many people who love you and will support in your recovery. you clearly love your family too ......... Please start taking the meds and go on that course and life will definitely start getting better.

Thank you becauseIcare, I have booked an appointment for tonight.

AliceScarlett - sorry I should have been more clear, when I say I don't go to my appointments I basically was on the NHS waiting list for ages for counselling and then dh paid for me to see someone privately but they were really expensive. I had 3 appointments and by the third one I felt really bad, probably because I was having to deal with things I didn't want to. I also felt like the therapist didn't really like me as she often started the sessions late and finished early and I felt like a coward for not saying anything but didn't feel like having therapy with someone I was arguing with over the timings of appointments. It was expensive and hard so I just didn't book any more appointments after that. Then another time I was referred for therapy but I never booked in because I thought they had misdiagnosed me as bipolar, again, I suppose I didn't want to accept it.

Thank you all for being kind, I also called the Anxiety UK helpline and they have said I can get membership which will allow me access to cheap counselling. I do feel like I have made some huge mistakes in my life and my family will have to deal with the repercussions for some time to come and that is very difficult to forgive as I agree that I am lucky to have a loving family but I do feel they deserve better. If I could be sure that dh would meet someone who would be a good mum to dd I would leave as I feel I do a rotten job but as it stands I don't know if that would happen and as crap as I am I know dd doesn't see me that way and she'd be really upset if something happened to me so I feel I owe it to her to try and fix myself. Thanks again to you all for your advice, it means a lot.

And sorry AliceScarlett - I just realised when I wrote I forgot to attend appointments I was referring to other appointments (not mental health). I am really disorganised and forgetful and often forget to go to things and I feel crap about it.

Well done OP x

Well done OP. Let us know how it goes, if you want to.

Oh I see. Well hopefully the NHS will offer you an appointment soon if you're still on the waiting list, if not then refer yourself asap:

www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological%20therapies%20(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008

We all make mistakes.
You are not a bad person, you are ill, you will get through this.

You sound like one of the most aware people I've encountered in real life or in therapy. You know exactly what you're about. What you need to allow to happen, if you can trust a counsellor enough, is for them to listen to your side.

If it's any help, as to what to expect, because I didn't know what to expect, and I had splurged out my entire childhood to her. And the counsellor simply asked the question 'And what would you say about that little girl now?' And I just burst into tears. And I just said that I would want to have protected her.

You have no idea what your counsellor is going to pick up on, but you might be harsh on yourself as maybe a parent was, so you're still harsh on yourself now because that's all you hear in your brain!
You really should go back to counsellings, if it takes all your savings.

My dh has bipolar, and I know that it’s a condition that presents differently in everyone, but I wanted to reply because I hope it might help. He was undiagnosed until his 40s, though he (and I) “knew” really. It came to a head with a severe episode and he has been taking medication for 5 years. And been well for 5 years.
Well done, really well done for writing all this out, and taking the steps to get treatment. I know that what my dh believes about himself while he is not well are not true. I am sure that the negative things you believe about yourself are not true. There is a lot of hope, and no shame, in getting the right treatment. You are very brave and have no doubt already suffered more than most people do in a lifetime, it is a harsh illness. Medication can make a huge difference. Good luck, love and all power to you xx

About counselling, as what you say OP I have heard many times.

The one seeking treatment is vulnerable to the one in a position of power, the counsellor, the counsellor should not hold a position of power and make that very clear to you, that they walk alongside you, if you think they are worthy of your trust.

Its important and vital to your recovery for you to know whether you can trust someone, if you dont, they are not the right fit for you. I think you are taking blame where there is none, and dont feel powerful enough to say stop when you are desperate to. That doesnt make you a bad person. You need the right support to get strong enough to say stop when you need to.

So pleased you made an appt for tonight, really hoping it goes well for you.

Oh op I totally hear you and apart from the bi polar I could have written your post at one time. I suffer from ptsd and severe depression much of what you say sounds like it comes from a bad place in your mind rather than everyone else’s view of reality Poor mental health can make us feel like we should be punished, like everything we do goes wrong, like we don’t deserve happiness, slight mistakes are magnified so we can prove to ourselves we are right. We can feel hopeless like we are carrying something heavy in our hearts. But life doesn’t have to always be like that, you might not think it (which is that bad dark place in your head speaking) but you do deserve to not feel like this. Therapy is hard, and you will probably feel worse before you feel better, you have to strip yourself back and confront things that you would probably prefer to keep hidden. But keep your eye on the prize. You can get to a point where you can manage all this, it will be hard but people are there to help. Yes private therapy is expensive but your mental health is so important. Speak to mind, speak to the Samaritans (it’s tgere for everyone not justpeople contenplating ending their life). We are listening to you, you’re not alone, you can feel better, you deserve to feel better.

Op, you sound awesome!
You have a serious illness but are still keeping it together functionally to look after your home and family.
You have maintained enough insight to recognise when you are being vile to those around you, and acknowledge your mistakes.
As the child of a bipolar parent, you love your dd enough to get help, manage your moods and take meds if they can help you.
Go you!

Op, I don't know much about bipolar but this lists the symptoms of a depressive episode.

feeling sad, hopeless or irritable most of the time
lacking energy
difficulty concentrating and remembering things
loss of interest in everyday activities
feelings of emptiness or worthlessness
feelings of guilt and despair
feeling pessimistic about everything
self-doubt
being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
lack of appetite
difficulty sleeping
waking up early
suicidal thoughts

As such, I think it's your illness making you think these things that you are posting , and as such it's right to see a doctor and get it sorted and under control once and for all. You don't need to feel like this, help is available.