AIBU or was I assaulted?

[saintmattel]

NC as I’m all in a flurry. I’m a 20 year old (no kids) but enjoy posting and reading mumsnet for all sorts, it’s entertaining and I’ve witnessed some great advice etc. Anyway. I’ve been casually seeing a lad, couple of years older than me. Things were going decently well, just casually taking things slowly (or so I thought!) We went out together yesterday during the day for a mooch around the town where I live for uni. He is at the same uni as me doing a PhD and during his 2nd and 3rd year he lived in the student flat I now live in (weird info but adds to context) so he was really pressing to go to my flat to “see how it was compared to when he lived there” I was reluctant as I thought in my gut that this was a guise for something else, iyswim. Anyway he wouldn’t take no for an answer and I thought oh ffs it’ll make him shut up. So to the flat we went. I didn’t really want to sit in the kitchen/living area with him as I didn’t want to make my flatmates uncomfortable, plus I thought I could get him in and out quickly instead of staying, so we ended up in my room. I said “shall we go back out now then?” But he lay on my bed and wanted to cuddle. So I sat next to him and kinda half hugged him, thinking he would be placated. We kinda awkwardly hugged for a bit, then he started kissing me quite aggressively. I pulled away and told him to calm down. He apologised and we talked for a bit. I thought yes, finally it’s got through to him. But then ff about 5 mins and he’s kissing me again, and then pinned me down so I was lying down, holding my hands above my head. I’m only 5’2 and he is much stronger and bigger and a whole foot taller. He started to undress me and grope me, I was repeatedly saying no, stop, don’t want to, get off me etc. I tried struggling against him but it was pretty futile. He stopped and said sorry, said he thought I was just teasing and actually wanted to “playfight.” This then repeated again, and I just lay there and stared off into space as there was nothing I felt I could do about it. My question is what do I do? I still feel in shock, I feel numb and I’m not sure how to process or start to “feel” about it.

Sorry for it being such a long post, but yeah. I don’t know what to do or what to think. Was I assaulted? I feel like it was my fault for not kicking him or whatever, I just felt so powerless. I feel like I’m not feeling what I should feel about what happened - I can’t feel anything about it just yet. I don’t want to tell my mum as she didn’t even know I was dating anyone and she’d go a bit ballistic at me for being so reckless & probably naïve. I feel like such an idiot.

Yes you were assaulted. I'm sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault. Think about why you would like to do next.

Yes of course you were assaulted, you told him to stop and he didn’t. Please speak to someone about this and stay away from him, he’s dangerous.

What not why!

You are NOT an idiot. You repeatedly said no. He did assult you. He knew full well you weren't playfighting.

Sorry OP.

Yes you were assaulted and no it wasn't your fault. How do you feel about giving Rape Crisis a call, just for a chat? I get the feeling you could really benefit from speaking to someone who will understand how you're feeling and won't judge you or tell you what to do.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Yes, you were assaulted and by someone pretty manipulative too.

Please ring your mum. She’ll help you. Mum lovrs you. You’re probably in shock thinking about this hence feeling number (not feeling anything).

This isn’t your fault. He was manipulating the situation to get you alone and prey on your politeness.

Thank you for all your lovely responses so far! I just feel like such an idiot for being so vulnerable and trusting, and for being too damn polite! I had previously explained to him that I found it difficult to trust and be intimate with people very quickly as my only other sexual experience had been a negative one and abusive. I hadn’t gone into details about it but had been upfront about the fact I have some anxiety issues around trust and intimacy, and I thought he had understood and respected that. I think I will contact my uni counselling service for some advice as a starting point, my flatmates and I are going through a rocky patch at the moment so I don’t feel that I can talk to them. We live in a shitty building with very thin walls and I know that everyone was in yesterday, the girl nextdoor can hear everything that goes on in my room so I’m now wondering if she heard and decided not to intervene (which really hurts!) or if she didn’t hear/had headphones in etc. Not that it matters I suppose, that’s a side issue!

You were struggling and saying no! You're not an idiot and this wasn't your fault in any way whatsoever. It was most definitely assault. I'm really sorry this happened to you OP and I hope you'll be ok.

So sorry to read about your experience. Yes you were assaulted. As others have said, rape crisis is a good one to call. I have called them before. You don't have to have been raped, they will help and listen to you about this assault experience too.

Good idea to speak to uni counselling.

If you want to, consider going to the police. They should take it seriously. If your housemate heard, they could be a witness so the police would want to speak to them, so consider that first as you said you're not sure about speaking to them about it. Even if they cannot prosecute him due to lack of evidence, being arrested on suspicion of assault would hopefully make him realise he crossed the line. They could also tell him he cannot contact you again. I understand if you are not ready to do this though.

Also, see if you can find out what your university sexual assault reporting process is. Sometimes there is an internal process that may not involve reporting to the police but can provide you with support.

You were assaulted. How dare he! Don't feel stupid, you did nothing wrong, a lot of us here would have been the same as you.

Honestly, how some people take liberties is beyond me.

I'm so sorry but you were assaulted.
What part of the word "NO" did this predatory beast not hear.
Of course you're not an idiot. You never in a million years imagine that some one is going to assault you. Its not your responsibility not to trust. It wAs his responsibility not to assault you.

Please do report it.both to uni and to police. After reading your update, then reading again your original post, this guy could have been doing this for years, during undergraduate now graduate years of study - preying on young, vulnerable, polite girls.

Don’t be annoyed with your flat mate, you could have shouted. I hope you get rid of him.

@Angrybird345 I’m not annoyed with my flatmates, it was honestly just an observation anyways.

Thank you to everyone for being so kind and supportive!