Bit of background, my mum had me when she was quite young so I suppose she didn't get much of a life and she has had a very horrendous upbringing so no family around, she had very little luck with relationships in the past, my dad was abusive, she left him when I was 2, (haven't seen him since, he doesn't want a relationship and I likewise.) she then met my brother's dad who left when my brother was 2.
I have 3 children. Before she met her current partner, I only had two. She was around all the time, nearly every day, she wouldn't take the kids out but she would always pop in and see us, I'd pop to see her. We had a good friendship although there was always underlying weird stuff. For example - when I got pregnant when I was 18, she was pissed, which is understandable. She was having an affair at the time (she was single) she told me that 'it should have been her'.
Weird, I know but I just thought maybe she was emotional or I interpreted wrong. Before I fell pregnant, i was a typical teen, not coming in on time and she'd frequently tell me, if I don't like it I can leave, why don't I just get out, knowing I had no where else to go - I would say she was a single mum, at her wits end with 2 kids to bring up, one that had mild autism.
So today, she met her current partner 4 years ago. He is my partner's age (27) I am 26. She rarely comes round now. He's in a band so she goes to watch him often, her life revolves around this man. She has to be home to cook his food ( she wants to be he doesn't make her)
I had my son 2.5 years ago and she watched my other 2 children which was nice as I needed to go into hospital as I had complications. She did however tell me previously that she couldn't help because she was going away with her partner and the only time she could go was that time as it was the summer holidays. That's understandable, her partner is a LSA so only gets the holidays off. I just felt hurt because she knows neither myself or my partner have any other family to ask for help and she didn't want to help. ( She couldn't afford it in the end)
My partner proposed to me on a rare night out, my mum watched the children with her partner. She doesn't come up on her own. I got home and told her, she couldn't crack a smile. She wasn't happy, but she made herself try to look happy. She wants to marry her partner I think.
My mum told me she was having unprotected sex, she never admitted that she was trying to get pregnant but later on told me she was accidentally having sex when she ovulated and she thought that was the least fertile time of the month not the most. I was a little unsure but hey ho you never know.
She then told me she went to a psychic and the psychic saw a gorgeous little boy... Then she said 'must have been you' just sounded quite bitter.
When I found out I was pregnant with my third son, she wasn't happy. She's not been happy with any of my pregnancies at first if I'm honest.
Decorated my house the other day, she made a rare visit and didn't mention it, she was quite annoyed with me. In a not so nice mood.
My brother told her he was leaving home at the end of the month about 3 months ago, now my brother is a giant pain in the ass he is 20 living with my mum and her partner. He swears, doesn't speak super respectfully, has a bad attitude sometimes and doesn't do much around the house. My mum said why wait, get out now. He phoned me, she phoned me I went to get him, he lived with us for 2 months and now he lives on his own, he's got a good job and he's doing well. Now... Very weird, this is what got me really thinking about the toxic thing. My brother didn't speak to her for a while, she text him and he eventually responded, she went to see him at his new place, few days later she made an awkward visit to mine. ( It's kind of a pressured relationship at present) she made a hint that she had been there, but didn't say outwardly and my brother didn't want her to know where she lived so I didn't bring it up. I was discussing my decorating skills and told her about my brother's place, looks wise. She didn't say she had been there she just listened with a moody face. When she left my brother text to say she had been over.
Why didn't she just admit it? Why doesn't she talk to me about my brother? Why is she making it weird and awkward? I didn't kick him out but like me he doesn't have any family and I was not going to not help him, she told me to get him.
I have spent my entire life trying to make my mum happy, I want to be a good daughter but unless I'm doing what she wants, she's not happy. She is rarely happy for me.
Another thing that is probably a sore point is that she doesn't ever want to help me out with watching the kids (this is probably a bit selfish) my partner has zero family, I have my mum and autistic brother that doesn't like kids. My mum doesn't offer. Nor does she think it's her place, she's got her life now and it wasn't her choice to have the kids. I don't want her to have them over night, I just want her to enjoy them and be a nan I guess, I want her to want to help my partner and I get some time just us. I'm a full time nursing student and he watches our kids at home - only until I qualify. I don't want to leave the kids with someone I don't know. (My choice I know) my mum and her partner argued a long time ago and he said he doesn't like coming over because it reminds him of everything he should have.... I think that's probably a reason. She wouldn't babysit alone. When I say baby sit I would put them to bed first. I wouldn't go far maybe just for food at the local pub. Not longer than 2 hours.
My mum probably has always been hard when I was younger but she was nice too. I grew up feeling really loyal to my mum, I would sometimes put her happiness before my own families! ( Terrible now I look back) sometimes I don't know if I am over reacting? Bit sensitive?
Today she put on social media a positive quote about life and how she is lucky for her friends and her partner but I felt that there was an underlying dig at her children that it was more passive aggressive than a truly positive quote.
Now I don't message her that much anymore, I don't invite her over and she didn't invite me all that much. Should I be trying a bit harder and putting all this to the side? I feel like she's let me down, I don't want to raise my kids and not be there for them, even when they are older and most certainly not be unhappy for them. Does this sound like a toxic parent?
Thanks