AIBU? Nursery taking comforter away for hitting

[Minnie881]

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Hi all, I'd be so grateful for thoughts on this as I'm trying to work out if I'm being over protective and unreasonable or whether I have a point. I picked our LO up from nursery just now, 21 months old. He started nursery about 5 weeks ago and hence is still settling in. He is close to not crying as much in the mornings now but still gets upset at pick up when he runs to us. My point being he still isn't quite settled in.

Now over the last few weeks he has started hitting, it's a phase that most children go through and we are doing our best at home to use time in - we take a break in the moment and talk through why we don't do it etc. I do wonder whether he has picked it up for nursery as it seems coincidental that it started a couple of weeks after but i am not 100% sure. Now nursery have picked up on it and to 'punish' him are taking away his comforter, a soft toy. He is very very attached to said soft toy and gets distraught when he is taken away. We've noticed at home just how much more attached he is to the soft toy since starting nursery which we know is completely normal.

We are concerned that by taking him away he has lost the one thing that comforts him when he is sad or upset or missing us. As he is at home, we say sorry when we've hit someone. At pickup today though I stood and listened to him absolutely screaming crying for bunny. Every minute or so I'd hear one of the adults say you need to say sorry childs name but over lots of screaming kids and music. I should say DS is in an older room with mainly 2+ year olds so he doesn't have to move rooms straight away. Once he has got to that distraught stage, we know that he can't focus on saying sorry or what the problem is. What he needs is time in where it's explained one to one with him which we've found he responds well to. In our experience he doesn't respond well at all to soft toy being taken away as he literally can't think of anything else.

I can't help but feel they are creating a real issue with comforter be using it as a punishment and would rather they had time in, to talk to him about it. It didn't help that there were about 15 children and two adults at the time, I have to admit there never seems to be enough of them for the ratios. At 21 months he simply can't understand what I think they are trying to teach him. Any advice from anyone with similar experiences or solutions that seem to work for their DC would be appreciated. I want to address this with the nursery tomorrow but won't want to come across as the moaning parent. I absolutely understand the hitting issue is a problem and we are wanting to help DS understand it is wrong but I don't feel this is the right way.

That's a totally inappropriate punishment for a child that age!

I think you might be asking too much for the nursery to implement "time in" (it's great though for at home). However they shouldn't remove the comforter. He should be removed from the situation and told to use "gentle hands" etc.

He is too young to understand what they are doing - definetley speak to them about this. Also with 15 two year olds there should be 4 staff...

I don't have any advice but I found reading that very upsetting - your poor DS! I hope you can persuade them not to do this - it's just unkind.

I would say taking away his comfort toy is a really bad idea. Poor thing when he’s still settling in too.

Our nursery encouraged dropping/leaving comfort toys in a box from when they were about 2.5. Before then it was fine for them to have them all the time, plus they made a point of having them ‘accessible’ for a cuddle if a child needed it.

Frankly they should have better skills for dealing with hitting. What if a hitter doesn’t have a comfort toy to remove for example??

I would certainly speak to the manager or room leader.
IMO they certainly shouldn't be taking away his comforter as punishment, especially as hes getting distraught over it being removed. Makes them seem slightly heartless. The hitting should be addressed and they should have measures in place to deal with this.

I would speak calmly when talking to them. Tell them you don't want them to take away his toy as punishment. There are better was of dealing with this.
I say this as an ex Nursery Practitioner and Teaching Assistant.

They may have taken it away because it was causing him to hit if another child tried to take it.?

I used to work in nursery before I was nanny and it’s tough keeping track of comforters etc.

My DDs Nursery even now at age 3 never remove a childs comfort object even as punishment. So that is totally wrong of them, they shouldn't do that.

As for ratios, 1 year olds should have 1 member of staff to 3 children, and 2 years old it's 1:4, so if there is only 2 of them for 15 1-2 year olds they're breaking the law.

My daughter’s nursery took away her comforter for crying. She was about 18 months. I hit the roof.
It was the same nursery my son had attended so I knew this wasn’t normal practice.

It actually turned out to be a positive experience because it was the first time I complained to them and they sorted it out really quickly.

They won’t Discipline the same as you do at home, they don’t have the time or the staff but removing a comforter is not appropriate.

Seems weird that they have moved him into the 2s room at such a young age. He isn’t ready to be in that room so I would get him moved. Especially if you are paying the cost of a 15m/o (our cost is age dependant as less adults needed from 2y/o.

I would be speaking about the comforter. He is in a room where no comfort toy for kids is normal, but again, he isn’t that age. He definitely shouldn’t have it taken away as a punishment. He would probably settle better if he was in the right age group as he would have more 1 on 1 time with an adult

"Time in" in a nursery cannot happen because too many children. However, taking your DS comforter and getting him to say sorry is not appropriate.

Your son at 21 months will have no idea what is going on and will not be able to link his actions to consequences. Nor will he have any idea of what sorry means at his age, so that is pointless too.

Ratio wise your son being under 2 is on a 1:3 ratio. Two_three ratio is 1:4

Minimum of four staff needed . 3 staff with 12 two year olds plus one other member of staff with 3 two year olds and one under two_ your son.

If there had been 16 two year olds and your son they would need five members of staff.

I’m not sure why I thought he was 15 months. Even at 21 months I wouldn’t say he was ready for the 2s room

I run a nursey and I do time in
It’s totally possible to do it in a busy nursery setting
I don’t like the sound of this nursery though, they haven’t got a clue on behaviour management
I advise going and speaking to the manager and saying exactly what you said in the opening post, you make some very good points

Thank you so much for the helpful responses and reiterating that it is a totally unreasonable way to deal with the hitting. DS is in that room because otherwise he would have only had 3 months and had to move again so we agreed it would be better for him to settle it there. In a perfect world he would have gone to the baby room first, but in all honesty it may have bored him as a lot of them aren't walking etc. I'm going to raise it with his key worker tomorrow and explain we aren't happy with the removal of the comforter and talk through what seems to work at home, hopefully they will agree to just remove him from the situation and remind him kind hands etc. I'll keep an eye on the ratios, there are definitely occasions where it seems really off so will raise it soon if needed. Thank you everyone

You should definitely speak to them, it’s not on to punish such a young child with something so upsetting to him. He’s just learning, and overwhelming him with so much stress won’t help him at all.

(Not relevant, but an aside, it’s very irritating that you kept dropping the word ‘the’ / ‘his’ - it should be ‘the bunny / comforter’ or ‘his bunny / comforter’, not just ‘screaming for bunny’ etc)

Maybe find a childminder if the nursery response isn't great. Poor little one

How can you trust these people to care for your precious son? They sound cruel. Whatever you say to the manager and whatever might change, you now know the “heart” of the carers, which is unlikely to change. It sounds very sad.

I work in a nursery and this made me so sad. I honestly think this setting isn’t right for your son.

Special toys are transitional objects and absolutely shouldn’t be taken away. It’s pretty cruel to take away something that forms part of your son’s identity and comfort.

I’d be having serious words.

Did he hit because another child snatched the comforter?

I don't think it's helpful to be dependent on a comforter or teddy at nursery, they get upset when others try to take it or want to play with it. When my DD was in the under 2s room they had comforters for naptime only or if they were upset or fell over. They weren't allowed to cling to them all day (doesn't it get covered in paint/sand/mud/food?)

At her preschool they have to leave toys in a special basket and pick them up at the end of the day. That seems sensible to me, otherwise you're trying to keep track of 20 or so transitional objects! I don't know of any schools who allow a favourite toy in the classroom.

I was wondering the same as OneStepSideways - I would ask the staff what happened, and why they wouldn't give him his comforter. It seems unlikely it was 'as a punishment' - if, in the unlikely event it were, then I would have serious questions about the Nursery.

Ratios I would be very concerned about. As he is U2, he should be in a 13 ratio. 1:7 or 8 is just not good enough. U3s should be 1:4, so even if one person had nipped out the room for a minute, there should still have been 3 adults in there at that point.

I would definitely be asking about that, too.

That's utter bullshit, the kid is hitting because he currently has emotions bigger than he can deal with. Taking away an object used as an emotional regulator is just going to compound issues. Definitely have a word.

Children that small shouldn’t be punished. They’re too young to link the action with the punishment. They should be corrected or removed from the situation and told that’s naughty. And removing a comforter isn’t an appropriate punishment at any age. Remove a treat or a privilege, but not a comforter. Especially when the child is getting increasingly distressed and screaming for the comforter. It’s cruel and I wouldn’t send my child back to a nursery that thought that was appropriate.