To not want to feed DSS GF?

[loopy42]

My DSS 17 has recently started a relationship, she visits him a few times a week and vice versa. She stayed over for the first time this past weekend.

Last week she turned up just before I started cooking dinner so offered to plate her some up with the rest of the family which she accepted and thanked me for.

Since then out of the last 7 days she has eaten with us for 4 of those days, 3 of them being consecutive. Our grocery bill is huge as it is

AIBU to say to DSS that she is welcome to come over but that she can't eat with us every time and that he will have to sort his own dinner once she has gone home?

How has it happened that he’s not eating at hers? Does he not go there at dinner time or are they cooking for themselves or not for him?

Oh OP
Let it go

He’s 17. First love. She sounds polite.

Don’t make this hard for him. Just be there and suck up what will actually be a very small additional cost

agree with workreturner above.

Sounds like one of those things that's annoying but you've got to suck up and not be a dick about or it will cause bad blood which may not be worth it.

I wonder about your OH though. Have you been step mum to DSS for many years or is it recent? Can DSS or his dad not cook?

Get them to wash up afterwards, you have no idea how a child's partner who likes you pays off in the long run..
Just give him a bit less, as het he gets a massive meal as a teenager, bulk up plates with frozen veg.

I wouldn't necessarily mind feeding her per se. It's always nice when someone clearly likes your food and, as PPs have said, it can't cost that much extra.

However, I'm afraid that I would resent the fact that they seem to take it for granted. That is just rude.

I think 4 days per week is too much personally.I'd say a couple of days only or if its more then just give them really cheap meals like value baked beans and value oven chips etc.

Firstly I’d take it as a compliment that your cooking is good.

If dss is having to pay for takeaways at her place then the same welcoming to our dinner table isn’t happening at the other house

If you’re on a strict budget then mentioning to dss that it’s great to have his g/f over for dinner and really handy if you could just have 48 hours notice so you can make sure there is enough, as obviously 😉 dss doesn’t want a smaller portion when you divide his meal for her

Make light of it

Teens rarely know what there doing in 2 hours let alone 48 so it gives you back the opportunity to invite her round to eat occasionally

Some people can really eat a lot and some people actually sail quite close to the wind economically and cannot simply suck up a big eater 4x/week.

It's telling that he doesn't get fed at hers but she expects it at yours.

I think I might try really cheap meals when she comes, like jacket spuds with beans and cheese or veggie chilli if you can afford it.

It probably hasnt crossed either of their minds as they are both still at the "Food just appears" stage. So I would say that while she is always welcome in your home, she is only to be there at mealtimes twice a week. Make the point that she must not be there over mealtimes so you dont feel emotionally blackmailed into feeding her anyway rather than have her sit there on her own with no meal!

Yes I do actually think my issue is more that it's being taken for granted than actually cooking for her.

And yes it does grate a little than it isn't being reciprocated on the other. Feel like I've made a rod for my own back by offering the once then it being expected every time.

When we have an extra mouth to feed I just do extra carbs/plate of bread. This won't be a long term thing op.

generally thought to be fairest to eat dinner in your own home, then go to boyfriend or girlfriend home after. it's too easy for occasional to become a real burden on someone's bills. My teen boyfriend could have eaten the entire contents of the fridge tbh.

This!

Once or twice a week maybe-you’re not a cafe!

I think it’s mean to not feed her. Just bulk things out a bit !

So it isn’t really the money or the cooking, it is being taken for granted.

That’s fair to admit but seriously, let it go. This is precious family/life time with everyone growing up and moving on. Sorry to sound misty eyed but really, there is no need to make a fuss. Just leave them.

Loopy teens need to be taught consideration, so have a friendly word in passing, communication is key

There will always be a disparity in the teen years. My son never reaps at others what I sew at mine but everyone is different. I don’t resent it as I like hosting his friends. If you can afford it, do it. It’s making life easier for him. I’d tell him to quit with the takeaway at hers as often though.

Be hospitable, please carry on feeding her. In time she'll look back and appreciate it. Get her and DSS to wash up or fill dishwasher!

It would make you look really mean if you stopped now.

I think I would feed her once per week max. She is taking it for granted and it will become increasingly more annoying the longer it goes on.

Tell DSS to tell her she can eat with you on Friday nights but the rest of the week it's family dinners only.

This is a difficult one. I would do as pp have suggested and make cheaper meals, not lower quality, just bulked out with good ingredients that are naturally cheaper.

I would also want to restrict the number of times a girlfriend/boyfriend comes to our house to a 2-3 times per week. That's plenty and son/daughter can spend time at his/hers also - and be out of the house sometimes.

I would feed whomever was in our home within those bounds but I would also be talking to DSS about the takeaway with his pocket money when he was at her house. That is unfair and mean of his girlfriend actually, to accept so much hospitality and never give it back to her boyfriend. If he has pocket money, presumably she does too?

Balance in a relationship is so important.

x-posted with M4J4 who I agree with entirely - invite for dinner once per week and make it a nice occasion. All other times she eats before she comes - and your DSS eats at home before he goes to hers.

I would just feed her

Serve salad or bread or garlic bread with the meal to make it go further

I’d just feed her too. I don’t think one more portion of most standard family meals would add that much? Don’t feed her ribeye and rainbow trout!

Also, and I say this gently...... is her family of a similar financial position do you think? I grew up in a comfortable family, and a generous one. My mother fed everyone, even if it was jacket spuds and beans.

It wouldn’t have occurred to me at that age the addition to the grocery bill for one more portion, if I’m honest.

Is there a chance that her family is struggling and this her chance to get a decent meal?x