AIBU to feel hurt?

[BarryTheKestrel]

Aibu to feel hurt by my friends actions (or lack thereof)?

Me, friend A and friend B have been friends for 15+ years. Friend B has always been more on the outskirts as Friend A and I lived together for a few years, have holidayed together, spent Christmases together etc, we have always been very close. Our DDs were born within 6 months of each other so we also shared the first time mum craziness.

Earlier this year Friend B announced she was pregnant, I found out I was expecting 2 months later and Friend A found out she was expecting 2 months after that, so we have all spent a lot of this year pregnant, including at Friend As wedding this summer where both friend B and I were part of the wedding party.

Friend B had her baby and both Friend A and I visited at 2 weeks when her partner had gone back to work, she requested no visitors before this. Friend A was chomping at the bit to go and meet the baby and was quite vocal (to me) about how long it would be before she met the baby.

My DS is now 8 weeks old and neither friend A or friend B have made any moves to come and meet him, despite being invited multiple times and only living at most 3 miles away.

They both drive (I don't for medical reasons) and are both on maternity leave - friend As DD is also in nursery 3 days a week so she has quite a bit of downtime of which she is complaining she is bored.

The last time I saw either was at the meeting of friend Bs baby, about 3 months ago, despite my best efforts and suggestions of plans.

Friend B I sort of understand, we've never been particularly close and she is in first time mum fog, however friend A has really hurt me with the fact that she just doesn't seem to give a toss, but will no doubt expect me to fawn all over her new baby in a few weeks.

Sorry that was really long.

AIBU to be hurt and upset that the person I class as my best friend hasn't even bothered to come and meet my DS in the 8 weeks since he was born?

Maybe she is struggling with her dc and can't face you?

YANBU to feel hurt.

Could you send her a straightforward message along the lines of "Just wondering when you'd be able to come and visit me and BabyBarry?" with maybe smileys or something to keep it light.

@Sheitgeist that's what I've been doing, trying to make plans with them, I've even offered to go and visit them, everything just gets put off or plans are made then cancelled.

I'm essentially being avoided and I can't work out why. Not enough for either of them to stop talking to me on our group chat, but enough to not want to visit. However I have received the children's Christmas lists and it's her DDs birthday next week so have a gift for her too - however she's not having a party this year so not guaranteed to see her at an event. It's almost as if I'm good enough to buy the kids gifts and talk to, but not enough to take an hour out for a cuppa.

I can't for the life of me figure out what I've done to deserve this though.

Sorry you are feeling a bit hurt. But look at it another way - if you have been good friends for 15 years, not seeing each other for a few months shouldn’t be enough to rock the friendship. We all get very caught up in our own lives when we have small babies - I know I don’t live up to my own pre-baby standards on many, many things now, including gifts / cards / visits for friends’ new babies. And the reality is that people get much less excited by a second child than a first.

I’d be patient, call for a friendly chat, and keep suggesting getting together every so often. It will happen eventually, but you all need to cut each other some slack in terms of your expectations of each other.

How often did you see friend A before your baby was born? Perhaps she doesn't want to travel being heavily pregnant or doesn't want to see other people's babies, as she's the last of the three of you perhaps she's feeling a bit miffed that you have your babies already and she's still waiting??? I would just ring her and talk it out, if she's as good a friend as you insinuate I'm sure she'll completely understand

Pre baby we saw each other every other week usually.

I know I'm probably being over emotional about this. Being at home with a baby and a 3 year old can drive you insane sometimes!

Its really upset me today because Facebook tells me friend A and B are at Friend Bs house together, less than a mile from my house. Yet I wasn't invited. So I'm sort of annoyed but understand if they just want to spend time together, however neither of them can be bothered to see me at all.

Hopefully once friend As baby has arrived and Christmas is over things will go back to normal.

Next level straighforwardness, then? Tell her you're surprised she hasn't visited, come to meet baby or at least have you visit her, and ask if you've done something to upset her.

My close friend felt confident to straight out ask me if she'd done something to offend me last summer as I hadn't been in touch much. I was mortified that I'd upset her, but told her that because of ill DC I'd been busy and mentally fraught.
I didn't mind that she'd asked, and she was understanding and sympathetic to my situation. It didn't affect our friendship at all.

Frankly it sounds like you it can't do much damage if she's not engaging with you anyway.

From what your saying it sounds to me that friend A is enjoying the fact that friend B is a first time mum and probably need help/advice. Maybe friend A feels she won't be as useful/needed if you are around because you would be able to offer friend B advice too?? Can you go from the other angle and text friend B? Maybe ask how it is going and if she has seen much of friend A lately? I completely get where your coming from OP as I had a similar situation when my dd was born, I ended up throwing my toys out of the pram and ended up not only looking stupid and petty but losing good friends in the process xx

I'm not saying you are being stupid and petty btw, just saying the way I handled my situation was not the best. Seems like you are doing the right thing by not wading straight in and making accusations xx

I think I'd just say you've not seen them in a while and plans keep on being changed or cancelled and ask if there is anything you've done to upset them as you really value their frendship and if there are any issues you'd like to sort them out

@Bobswife39 I may just do that, and go to friend B directly as I think you might be right. Friend A has always loved being the experienced one at things and giving advice so you may have hit part of the nail on the head.

I appreciate what you are saying. That is why I am not wading into this as especially with pregnancy and post natal emotions running high I don't want to regret however this plays out.

Its really upset me today because Facebook tells me friend A and B are at Friend Bs house together, less than a mile from my house. Yet I wasn't invited.

Perhaps this is the real issue - not that they haven't come, but that they are seeing each other but without you.

What's stopping from you going out to them?

If you've been friends all that time can you not just send a message saying 'saw you were together today.. where was my invite?! Miss you guys, do you want to come over for a cuppa soon?'

@spanishwife

Potentially. I am feeling quite isolated since DSs arrival.

I haven't bothered today because it just feels really underhand. I asked them both last week if they were free to meet up at all this week and both said they were really busy. Usually all plans together or just two of us(any 2 of us) are arranged in our group chat. This has clearly been arranged separately to exclude me so I don't feel like I can say anything without coming across as passive aggressive because it's upset me.

If I've read this right is Friend A about to have her baby very soon?

@polpotnoodle
She's due in 3 weeks. Has been on Mat leave since the beginning of November as she had holiday to use up.

From a different perspective- a friend of my had a baby beginning of the year, and for the first 5 months no one saw her. The baby was unwell and neither was she, and she didn't really go out much as she waited for things to get better to be able to enjoy meeting people, and she didn't want anyone except for family to know . Maybe your friends are busy with their babies etc, and just don't socialise much? Maternity leave doesn't mean you are free 24/7.

This has clearly been arranged separately to exclude me so I don't feel like I can say anything without coming across as passive aggressive because it's upset me.

@BarryTheKestrel

Then don't be passive aggressive, just be upfront and say "we are friends, friends don't do this, it's not nice and my feelings are hurt". If you can't say that and try to provoke some change in their behaviour, then you will have to just accept that your friendships are dwindling and will eventually die.