Bit of background - I was in an emotionally abuse relationship during which I became pregnant. 5 months into my pregnancy I found the strength to leave now ex-P (thank goodness).
Ex-P classic narcissist, passive-aggressive, gas-lighting etc.
When I broke up with ex-P he effectively made me homeless and I spent months 6 and 7 of my pregnancy flitting between friends houses and air b&b accommodation until my maternity leave started. I had my DS in Scotland where my family are and stayed in Edinburgh until I had to return to work. Ex-P refused to see DS until he was 4 months old. Did not want to be named on birth certificate. Contributed nothing to DS upkeep until I contacted CMS which then prompted a flurry of action (which, I suspect may have been to do with his very high profile public-life job).
Current situation - DS in now 2.5 and a happy little boy. He lives with me full time. We have a house in Surrey. I have a new DP who is wonderful. Ex-P also lives in Surrey (20 minute drive).
This has allowed Ex-P for the past year to visit DS on a weekly basis with me present.
For the past two months, ex-P has started to see DS on his own (though his partner is also always present) every Sunday. Sometimes Ex-P's parents are around too (who I have remained on very good terms with). All fine.
Yesterday (Sunday) when I picked up DS an argument ensued. Ex-P started asking about seeing DS on Boxing Day. I explained that we were not due to return from Scotland until 6.30pm and it would likely be 7.30/8pm by the time we got home so there would be no scope for a visit on Boxing Day. I put DS in the car at this point. Ex-P started then banging on about how I needed to be 'more enthusiastic' about him seeing DS and more accommodating; how he could start taking DS overnight on occasion, and how I never prioritise him (ex-P). I said the overnight stay was something we could work toward, but once DS was sleeping well in a single bed (he is still in his cot). DS then started getting agitated in the car so I said to ex-P - I have to go now. Ex-P looked at me in rage as I turned to go back to the car, started shouting about how he 'has rights' and then slammed the door (not in my face, but at my back). I wish I had just left, but I was angry and I rung ex-P's doorbell. A further heated exchange ensued for a minute or two and then I left to get into the car - cue further door slam.
By the time I got into the car I was shaking.
I am so angry at ex-P, but also with myself for rising to the exchange.
I spoke with Ex-P's mum last night and she had also been subject to a torrent of verbal abuse, sulking etc yesterday. I told her I intended to email ex-P to let him know that his conduct was not acceptable etc. She advised me to let him stew for a few days before contacting him. So, I am trying to gather my thoughts.
Ex-P is really not a nice person. He is DS's father but I feel it is in DS's interest that the time spent with DS is limited for DS's sake. Ex-P is not a role model. Ex-P has never been anything but gentle and patient with DS, but he does have a horrible aggressive streak particularly with women he knows well and yesterday brought this back to me. Now Ex-P wants to spend more time with DS and is talking about sleepovers. I desperately want to avoid this though perhaps it is inevitable.
It would be difficult for me to return to Scotland as my job is very much London based, as is my DP's and we quite like living down south.
AIBU to think that moving an hour/90 minutes away may help to limit the regularity of ex-P's contact with DS? About 5 years ago I lived in Hertfordshire and loved it. Herts is also closer to DP's family who are lovely. It would mean a 60 minute drive to take DS to see Ex-P, closer to 90 minutes if the traffic was bad. Would the extra travel be fair on DS - if I felt it was in his best interest? I only rent my current home and have no family myself in Surrey (which is hard in itself). DS is not at school yet so there would be no disruption in that sense. Am I overeating off the back of a bad day? But the door slam has brought old feelings and bad memories to the surface. I feel my protective intuition kicking in.