If you got back with exdp...

[NickyNora]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable to my exdp.

We split up in October after 19 years.
No big dramas but basically all communication broke down. He was very unsupportive esp this last year. I really needed some support & care as i was diagnosed as postmenopausal at 43. Lots of health issues & 3 operations.

We have 4 dc ranging from 4 to 17.

Hes desperate to come home. Hes apologised profusely. I is promising me thingsxwill be better & different if he comes home.

I feel guilty & hate seeing him so upset.

But in all honesty i feel quite detached & indifferent about our relationship. I feel like i can't justify splitting up with him as he hasn't really done anything wrong.

How do i decide if he should come home or not?

TIA

Who led the split? Who said it first? Him or you?

Do you feel indifferent to him or to him moving back. I think 'indifferent' says to me you have moved on emotionally but perhaps you are grateful to for the support he has shown recently, ask yourself if this is enough to let him move back in. I would suggest taking it slowly, not making any promises and wait until you are feeling g better. I don't think now is a time to make such a big decision. If it didn't work out it would be too cruel especially on the the children.

He has done something wrong: he chose not to support you when you needed him the most.

And you don't have to justify splitting up with him. It's your call.

Sounds like since he's been gone you have realised you weren't getting anything positive out of the relationship.

What's your gut telling you about the sincerity of his commitment to improving himself?

Sorry you are going through this op. You are right to focus on yourself and your children here.

why do you feel guilty because he's upset ? sadly women are generally conditioned to react to someone upset or crying, - you read it a lot on here tears from over bearing relatives, pestering dc, you get the jest.
i agree with wine on this one. he's an ex for a reason, unless the problems are fully resolved they will creep back in once he's under your roof once more.
stay strong and don't get caught up in the tears and upset guilt trip.

Thankyou so much for responding.

To the person who asked, it was me who asked him to leave. He'd never have left.

He's been staying at a friends & started to drop hints about how awful the house is.
Today he told me has to leave ASAP as they have new tenants moving in.

So basically he wants to come home even though he knows i dont want him to. Its not best for any of us as nothing has been resolved but he still wants to come home.

I'm mentally exhausted. I'm so depressed & now anxious. He moved out early October but things are only worse not better as far as I'm concerned.

We keep going around & around having the same pointless conversations.

I need some head space. He wouldn't even leave me alone today for an hour when i went to lay down.

Its so claustrophobic.

Yet i feel bad! I wish i could stop feeling responsible for him. Its so draining.

How do i stop feeling responsible for a middle-aged man??

There's a reason he's an ex. An he still seems to be needy now. Leave well alone. If he was my ex, I'd be stepping even further back.

Thats exactly what I some how, need to do.

Stand your ground.

He's not even back and you're already stressed.

Tell him to find a flat.

Does he have a legal right to be in the house?

No he has no legal right. We never married. House is in my name.

He moved in with me.

staying at friends and their house is awful, new tenants are moving in, jog on ex 'd'p. he knows he was onto a good thing with you, you are free to do your own thing and it's made you a stronger person as a result. you really don't need him and his emotional dramas. it's your home for you and your dc, keep it that way.

He's saying things will be different.
He's showing you he's not listening.

Words are cheap.

So he wants to come back as he needs alternative accommodation not because he wants to make amends for previously neglecting you?