How so you know if it's over or just a rough patch?

[FunkyKingston]

Have been with my now wife for nearly 15 years (married for six) with no children. I feel i can't talk to anyone in real life.

For the past year or so i have begun to think about ending our relationship. It has been a tricky few years, i have been working away from home on a series of temporary contracts and there have been revelations of (relatively minor) infidelity from a few years back (not mine) which I've struggled to process.

I also struggle with depression and anxiety which has been hard for her as she's never experienced depression and can't understand why I appear to be sad or frightened with no rational cause or just numb. So i acknowledge that life with me hasn't always been a bed of roses and i am to blame for many of our problems.

I've tried talking with my parents who are quite old school and all they will offer is 'all marriages go through rough patches' and 'you need to stick it out and work at your marriage' (whatever that means).

However at times it feels like it is in its death throes, when we're together it feels like we are living two separate lives and there's no real emotional warmth or empathy or connection between us any more. From the outside our marriage probably seemed quite semi detached, we don't share finances or holiday together and have also hung out with friends separately, so weren't one of those joined at the hip couples. (The physical side of our relationship has been an issue for far longer, but I don't think it is appropriate to share that here).

I've tried talking to her about the issues in our marriage but she genuinely struggles to talk about feelings and will cry or get angry when i bring these issues up even in a non confrontational style. But for the most part, things are tolerable and there is no great drama, no screaming or abusive behaviour.

Although increasingly i look on my frips back to our home with a sense of uneasiness and duty rather than pleasure.

Part of me wants to leave, but i don't think i am emotionally strong enough or how i would cope completely on my own. Nor am i in a place where i cane deal with the practical consequences of separation.

My depression means that i don't fully trust my thought processes or feelings and i am definitely having a low patch now where i feel numb or frightened or exhausted a lot of the time.

Part of me wants to see if we can patch things up, i am very fond of her and she's great in many ways and we have mutual interests and friends and I hate the idea of the hurt it would cause her if we separated.

I've never had the experience of deciding to end a relationship before so feel unsure of how to judge whether this is the end or not. I always imagined if the relationship was to end ir would be as a result of one or the other acting outrageously badly to the other, but this isn't the case. Has anyone else found themselves caught in this bizzare limbo and has anyone else's marriage recovered from this sort of position or does it sound like the situation is unrecoverable?

I didn't want to read and run.

Afraid I can't offer any direct experience however i was once told when in a rather rocky relationship that the longer you are together you will either grow together or grow apart.

We naturally change as we get older and sometimes that means we are no longer compatible with our partners.

Another person also told me that everyone we meet in life we meet for a reason..whether we know them for 10 minutes or 10 hours.

Guess what I am saying is that if you do decide you no longer want to be with your wife then it's ok, you haven't failed or done anything wrong.

I wish you all the best and hope you find your way.

As someone who is in your wife’s position (minus infidelity) I would suggest you speak to her and maybe look at couples therapy

Unfortunately my husband won’t and has left me devastated.

Hmm. I think you should ask your wife what she wants to happen. Tell her honestly that you're thinking of leaving and why, then go from there. It could be that she also wants to split, or could be that it'll jolt her into trying helping you fix it. Good luck.

You're miserable. You are just getting by. You are not happy in your marriage. Leave.

Thanks for the responses so far...

Bertha thanks for your kind thoughts, my head tels me me that it isn't something to be ashamed of, yet i feela profound sense of failure that we are in this state

side Couples counselling is difficult as we are living some distance removed from one another and i get back to our home probably one weekend in four due to the time and cost of the journey. Even if we were in the same place as she finds it hard to share her feelings with anyone and would probably refuae to go. I saw a counsellor on my own and he was a bit crap to be honest! I'm open to the idea as I've had better experience with other councillors talking about mental health issues and have found that useful.

Merry i can see what you're saying although when she hears something she doesn't want to hear, she storms out, cries or gets angry. I then try and pacify or comfort jer and the issue gets swept under the carpet. Any tips on trying to get things discussed without it getting overly emotional?

she genuinely struggles to talk about feelings and will cry or get angry when I bring these issues up

My other half was like this, he cheated for years and when discovered refused to talk about it as it was "too difficult" for him, it was also a cracking excuse to never be held accountable for anything he ever did.
Some people may struggle with the emotional discussion side of things when they hurt a partner but a decent person will be held accountable and deal with that and work to make a partnership stronger, others will take the easy way out and sweep things under the rug, but a rug can only hide so much.

I tried everything with him, counselling, emails, letters, ravens from Winterfell (OK not really) he refused to respond to any of them and it was then I realised that his comfort level was more important to him that the amount of hurt he put me through. At some point you will need to take a step back and assess this relationship, you describe yourself as detached as a couple.

i am very fond of her and she's great in many ways and we have mutual interests and friends

This is someone you play golf with once or twice a month not a partner that you share your life with. My advice is to detach from trying to talk things out with her for now, you are banging your head against a wall there, focus on getting your mental health on a more even keel, get yourself to a point of strength and then make a decision about the future of the marriage, you must focus on you for now and allow your wife to focus on herself. What she does with that time will tell you how committed she is to your joint future.

If you want it to work, you need to (a) find a way of being in the same place at the same time MUCH more often and (b) find a way of having conversations. It really sounds as though couples' counselling would be valuable for you both, but you both have to want to do it.

So do you only see each other two days a month?

I'd just not respond to the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Don't go after her if she starts. Maybe preface the conversation with something like, 'I need to talk to you about something that is quite upsetting, but I need you to hear me out and I'd like you to give me your opinion. If you don't let me talk about it then I will have to make this decision on my own and I'd rather do it together.' If she still runs off at least you've forewarned her and given her a chance, then you know you've tried everything and can take your next steps without guilt.

I agree with your parents that all marriages go through rough patches and these can be worked through. But when a rough patch goes on for many years then it's time to call it a day.

Would you and your wife consider going on a marriage course? It's a bit like counselling but less intense / more low key. DH and I went on one a few years ago and it really improved our communication.

Effectively yes, two days a month, but there's leave periods where i will go back. Alas rhe distances and the job prevent me feom spending more time in my home city.

This is someone you play golf with once or twice a month not a partner that you share your life with. My advice is to detach from trying to talk things out with her for now, you are banging your head against a wall there, focus on getting your mental health on a more even keel, get yourself to a point of strength and then make a decision about the future of the marriage

This is probably true, i feel i can't trust trust my feelings at the moment. I feel numb towards her, but then i feel numb towards everything. O think I'm best placed to male a decision when I'm in a better place mentally.

I understand how depression can really cloud your view of whether something is working, and I think you're right to include that factor in your approach. It's unfortunate that she isn't up for discussing this stuff - her emotional response basically trumps yours/crowds yours out, which is a great strategy to avoid difficult conversations in the short term, but long-term will succeed in disenfranchising you from the relationship. Part of making a functional rship is, I think, being willing to hear what's going on with the other person even if it hurts you to do so.

I think given the situation, you'd do better focussing on what you can improve for yourself rather than trying to have this conversation she's going to shut down. Do what you need to do to improve your own mental health, and see if there's a constructive, positive conversation to have with her about increasing the time you have together, or at least making that time quality time. Avoiding sentences like 'you never...' and going for 'how about we...'/'I'd love to...' - cast it as getting more of what you value in the rship, rather than stressing what it lacks. For now.

I don't think you should pander to her as a long-term solution, but I think medium-term your energies are wasted in confrontation.

Could you go to counselling on your own to talk things through and maybe gain some clarity on what you want? That might help you to work out if you are being influenced by your depression?
I am in a similar situation so I really do sympathise.
You could try going out somewhere neutral to talk, I always find that helpful. It's also harder to flounce off in public.

Just wanted to say you sound lovely OP. My exp was impossible to talk to, he’d just shout over me and i could never get my point across. What I’ve found works well (I still have to communicate with him after 14 years because we have a child together) is writing to him. Would an email to you wife, where she has no chance to storm off or get hysterical, calmly telling her what you’ve told us help?

Just a thought. When I was in a relationship like you describe (married, with children in my case) that limbo feeling added to my feelings of hopelessness and depression. Like you there were no outrageous events, but the resentment, distance (we also spent long period of time apart) and feeling of being stuck meant I even had suicidal thoughts.
I can see more clearly now I'm out. I don't feel depressed any more actually - not to minimise your mental health challenges or suggest that divorce is the magic bullet, but for me the relationship was definitely a huge factor.

I think most relationships would struggle only seeing each other two days a month, especially with the detachment depression can bring. Is there an end of the working away period? Relate can offer couples counselling, you either both want to make it work or you don't, and that may be the only way forward.