Hurt and let down by friend

[HollaHolla]

So.... I need to know if I’m being unreasonable, or a bit of a special snowflake here.

My really good friend (known each other 25 years, I was her bridesmaid, etc.) has been making me feel really frozen out of her life over the last couple of years. I don’t know if I’m just being overly sensitive, or if I should confront her.

Since her son was born, obviously her priorities have changed, which I totally get. I’m single and childless. We both have pretty full on jobs. She has cancelled on me a fair amount in the last couple of years, but recently there have been three things which have really hurt me.

She invited me around to hers one night after work, when her husband was away. When I arrived - straight from work, at the pre-arranged time - they had already eaten. I wasn’t offered anything. Fine; but if I’d realised, I’d have grabbed something en route. She then proceeded to go bathe her son, but he made such a fuss about me being there (he knows me, but was over-tired) I went downstairs, so we hadn’t chatted at all really. After about an hour, I was just going to go, when she came down, then 10 mins later, took a call from her SIL. 25 mins later, I made my excuses and left, as they were still on the phone. Just a night where it didn’t work out.

A few weeks ago, we had made plans to meet on a Saturday. She didn’t respond to voicemails or texts, about a time/place/what to do, so I left a message the day before saying I’d make an appointment for a long overdue eye test in the AM, unless I heard from her. She messaged me about 11pm the night before saying ‘let’s meet for brunch’. I said about my eye test, but could meet after, when she then said ‘oh, we have a child’s birthday party at 1.30pm, so can only do before 12.’ I said we should just leave it then, as I hadn’t heard from her. I was quite annoyed as she must have known she had the party at that time. I could have made the appointment later if I’d known.

This time, we’d arranged to do an xmas event on Tuesday night - her suggestion. I was working overseas last week, but had messaged her to say I was looking forward to seeing her, etc. I called when I got back last weekend, and left a voicemail. I then texted, and emailed, to try and find out a time. I still haven’t heard from her, almost a week after the event has passed.

I’m now in two minds as to whether to check if she’s ok, or just to leave it, and see if she gets in touch. I’m really hurt that it seems like I’m being ghosted here. I feel like I want to tell her that I’m hurt by always being at the bottom of the list, but am I being really self-centred and not understanding of what it’s like with a child? I should add that we’re in our late 30s, and live near each other. I have a chronic health condition which means I have to pace myself, and I feel really let down that I save up my ‘energy time’ for things, and then feel like it’s been wasted. :(
Please tell me IIABU - and sorry for the essay!!

Tbh, I'd just leave it. Let her contact you and make the arrangement but don't rely on her at all. I think you've been more than patient.

This sounds like a a case of growing apart on one side. The things you describe go a bit beyond being too busy and dealing with new & understandable priorities, instead straying into just plain rude & thoughtless.

At this point, I'd put the ball in her court and leave it there. Regardless of the reasons why, a one sided friendship does you no good and as you say your energy could be better spent elsewhere.

Seriously, having a child can mean you're busier, and may have to cancel last minute in extreme circumstances (child is sick). However, having a child does not give you the right to be thoughtless, bad mannered, ignorant and downright rude. The 'already having eaten' evening may have been a miscommunication, the bath time incident was awkward and maybe unavoidable, but unnecessarily long. Taking a phone call when entertaining a guest is just insulting. I'd walk away from this relationship (can't call it a friendship) and don't look back.

I think she does not want to be your friend anymore and is trying to distance herself. Don't bother,let her come to you if she wants. She was rude when she continued her telephone conversation, not even putting the phone down when you said you were going. That would have been a dealbreaker.

I think I've had a couple of friendships similar to this. I get that things happen sometimes, but it's a matter of degree. So, no, I don't think you are bu.

How do you feel about letting her know how you feel - one last chance before you give up?

Life's too short for friendships with rude people like that. I cut a couple of friendships over similar behaviour. I'm a single mum of 3 and would never treat anyone that way so I don't see having one child (and a husband) would excuse anyone from rudeness and lack of consideration. Let things drift or make a point of saying how you feel then cut contact. Friendships should be mutually satisfying (that sounds weird) and this one isn't for you at all. You're going all the running and getting little of her time and attention despite your efforts. Time for new friends. It took me until I was 38 to have the courage to call people out on their bad behaviour and bullshit and realise that I deserved better from friendships and other relationships and I'm still working on being more assertive and making sure I'm not being messed about. Don't settle for shitty friends

Just to say, I also think the phone thing was very rude, however, I have a scatty friend who might do this. I would ask yourself what you think her motivation is. Any idea?

Move on. She is being incredibly selfish. Don't excuse her because she has a child. She manages to fit in other things, including 25 minute calls with her sister and no doubt other events. She has shuffled you to the bottom of her pack - don't lie there - move on.

Thanks all. I am sad, but equally feel validated that I’m not totally over-reacting. I think I might give it a week or so (we had a catch up planned next weekend, so I’ll see if she gets in touch....) and then write to her, if I haven’t heard from her. I want her to realise how she has been making me feel, and if she wants to make an effort.

I don’t want to write off a 25 year friendship, but equally don’t want to be made a mug of, and hurt numerous times. I have other lovely friends, and I could be spending time with them instead.

I think you have drifted apart due to your different lifestyles. Leave it alone now.

So - I wrote a card to her this AM. Said I was sad that she hadn’t responded, and a few things had come up where I was made to feel surplus to requirements. I said I hoped we might see each other soon, but if I didn’t hear from her again, I’d take it that our lives have moved on, and wished her the best.

Hopefully not too sappy or doormatty, but straightforward and honest.
Thanks all for the nerve to try to draw a line under things.