To not want to take mood altering drugs if I don't need to?

[Fermatslittletheorem]

Before I start, I am just speaking about myself here, and no one else. I have been depressed in the past and it was the horriblest thing I have ever experienced.

My CPN is trying to persuade me to take an antidepressant (she can't force me now I am off my CTO). She thinks that my mood is flat, I am unmotivated, struggling to deal with people, not sleeping well, and "all doom and gloom".

I don't think I am particularly flat at all. I am at university studying maths and absolutely love it. It makes me genuinely happy to study. But the rest are all true.

BUT in my case, I don't believe that these things are symptoms of depression, but rather character flaws in me. It is irritating me that she is medicalising things that are either normal, rational responses, or just me being a bit of a crap person. I don't think I deserve an excuse for my (frankly terrible) behaviour.

Yes, I am unmotivated. I don't clean unless people are coming round (a rare occurrence), and even then just the room they are going in. I hate showering and in the morning I just get out of bed ten minutes before I have to leave, pick up some clothes off my floor, put them on and leave the house. Then when I get home at the end of the day I make a hot water bottle, grab some crisps, biscuits, etc., and get into bed and fiddle on my phone or read my book. It is wrong of me when there are things I need to do (although I live alone so no one else is affected by this), but I don't think this means I am depressed, just that I'm lazy and self indulgent and have got into bad habits of seeking instant gratification of doing what I want and not doing anything I don't want to do. I COULD do something different, and do get up and go out when I have to, but I choose to sit in bed when I can. Plus my house is literally 12 degrees so it's easier.

No, I can't deal with people, but actually I am just a nasty intolerant bitch. And sometimes people are genuinely being annoying (people at uni taking photos of or copying out my answers for the assessed coursework for example - surely IANBU to be irritated by this?)

Not sleeping well - that's down to my bad diet and literally no exercise apart from the two minute walk across campus to get to my lectures.

And by "doom and gloom" she means that I am worried about the future. Which I am. But any rational person would be. At the moment I see my family every day (they live across the street and I pop in on the way home from uni) and they are the only real conversation I get. Plus I actually like them. They are all going to move away in the near future and I will be lucky to see everyone once a week. I have no friends really (I refer you back to me being a horrible person), so I will have no conversation apart from explaining maths to other students when they get confused in lectures. I will also have to come straight home from uni and be on my own much earlier. It seems pretty bleak but I don't think about it all the time, it's just when I can't sleep.

What do you think? AIBU? Do I take these drugs (with all their side effects)? Am I depressed or just a bit pathetic, lazy and self indulgent?

You sound textbook depressed, yes.

But mainly I would always start by trying to follow medical advice.

Thanks for the advice, I know that would probably be sensible, but it's hard because in the past I have been on pretty heavy drugs that I haven't needed and have drastically affected my life. And when I saw the consultant psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago, he just said if I thought I needed an antidepressant to let them know. But then I suppose my CPN is an expert too. Hmm

I have bipolar and what you describe in your OP is me on a downward cycle. I’m now off work for two weeks, increased meds (doubled dose!) with full blown depression and I feel EXACTLY how you describe in your OP

Aw I hope you feel better soon. It must be really horrible for you.

I sort of think well I'm capable of going to uni four days a week and doing eight hours a day on my days off (not Sunday) and actively enjoying it and being ahead of my work (and finding extra work to do) then maybe it's different for me as you are clearly too unwell to manage work?

But then maybe things will get worse and I need to sort this now? Ugh I don't know! Thanks for the advice

I thought I was coping with work. I increased my hours, was working 6 days a week, thought I was managing and then wham ... it all came crashing down. We’re good at masking things OP, for a while ...

Another bipolar person here, and you sound exactly like me at the moment too. Which makes me think I really need to get in the shower......... (but cuddles back down with phone instead...)

And actually antidepressants are good. They worked like magic (too much really) for me, until I was diagnosed with bipolar so now they won’t prescribe them, so I’m on mood stabilisers and anti psychotics instead. But honestly don’t be afraid of them!

I think you're being too harsh on yourself. The things you describe are not 'character flaws' but symptoms of clinical depression. Lack of motivation, irritability, self neglect (not showering or grooming, not taking care of your nutritional needs, avoiding exercise and social contact, not cleaning your home or heating it properly).

I would accept professional help. Even if you don't feel clinically depressed it sounds like you're on a downward spiral. Have you recently come off medication or had an admission? You mention being on a CTO so presumably have been sectioned in the past or on a depo?

Interesting that until I read the other replies I was totally with you, i feel like i am exactly the same. Capable of positivity and happiness but also lazy and indulgent and easy to be selfish and self indulgent in the cold and dark etc.

Sorry, another vote for depressed.

I think the lack of self care is the issue that indicates depression. You can have character flaws but you should still have the energy and motivation to shower, eat some food, do a bit of exercise.

Thanks everyone for your comments. And I am really sorry that you all seem to be feeling really low and struggling.

Onestep, I came off sertraline in August, so part of me is thinking this is withdrawal and I need to push through. And yes, I've had three admissions this year and was sectioned but came off my CTO at a tribunal when I promised I'd be responsible and take my meds

I hope you're all right and this is an illness and not just that I'm rubbish and a bitch. I have just been thinking and feeling really ashamed of how badly I've been treating people who are just trying to support me, who have been nothing but lovely. I've been horrible. If taking meds helps me to be a nicer person then I've got to do it. I was rationalising that no one else is affected by my house being a mess and me feeling rubbish, but actually they are. I really hope this isn't just who I am.

I think I've been cutting my nose off to spite my face, trying to make a point. But I'm suffering and, worse, other people are too.

So thanks all for your advice, I will see about going back on it as soon as possible. I'm not sure the GP will prescribe without permission from consultant psych so I will email cpn in the morning and ask her to ask the doctor to fax the GP a prescription request.

Thanks again and get well soon to those of you suffering

Gosh that sounds like you were helped to a decision there, OP. I hope this helps you feel more energetic and motivated. Best wishes.

You sound exactly like me when my depression was at it's worst. I worked 50 hours per week and nobody at work knew.

When I was at home I spent a LOT of time in bed watching mindless youtube videos and thinking about what I SHOULD be doing. Nobody was allowed in my house for months because of what a shithole it had become, although I was always telling myself that I'd get up early the next day to sort it.

I could sleep for 14 hours per day on my days off/dependent on my shifts and tell myself it was because I was so lazy.

I had friends but would lie and make excuses not to see them, because they probably hated me anyway.

I only went to the doctor eventually because one of my friends threatened to drag me there if I didn't go voluntarily. I kept telling myself that I was just a lazy/greedy/fat/unmotivated/worthless and the doctor had ACTUAL sick people to see.

ADs might not be a cure all BUT after a couple of months, I started to cook an actual meal every few days, and do an hour of cleaning on my days off etc.

I was rationalising that no one else is affected by my house being a mess and me feeling rubbish, but actually they are.

YOU are affected though and you are important.

As someone struggling through the journey of mental wellness, so much of what you’ve said reasonates - particularly the bit about thinking you’re just lazy and indulgent, that’s how I feel in a nutshell. However, I’m far enough along my journey and my diagnoses to recognise that as depression, and some anxiety. I’ve gotten through the depression cycle but have severe anxiety.

I’m just an internet poster who is not you or your doctor, so I’m not going to tell you, you are definitely suffering from depression. However based on above, it really does sound like it.

I’ve gone the therapy rather than drugs option, is that something that could work better for you? I’m not opposed to taking medication, it’s just therapy is working.

Thanks slash for your considered response. I'm sorry you felt the same as I do, but kind of relieved that maybe I'm not the worst person in the world if you've felt the same when you are clearly lovely. Glad things are starting to improve for you now.

Op I struggled for years with fluctuating moods. I was prescribed sertraline this year and I feel like Iv never felt before - a so much better version of me. It's like my brain has been missing this chemical.

The thing is - depression lies. Depression makes you think you're a terrible person, that everyone hates you, that you're worthless. Depression wants you to get worse by not asking for help, by thinking that you're not worth help. Depression makes you think there's no point in asking for help because you're useless anyway.

There's no one way to fight it, and not everything work for everyone but if a medical professional wants you to try ADs then ask yourself why. The brain is an organ, if you had something wrong with your heart or lungs would you take medication the doctor prescribed to you? You may need to try different dosages or types of AD but that's normal.

It can be overwhelming thinking about everything you're doing "wrong" and that you can't fix it - friends/family/health/cleaning/eating/exercise/ etc. so focus on what you can do. (Disclaimer - you might not be ready for this yet and that's ok) I would give myself small tasks as big tasks would never get done so instead of saying 'I'll clean the house', I said 'I'll do the dishes'. Instead of saying 'I'll do 30 mins of exercise', I said 'I'll dance in the kitchen to this 3 minute song'. Again, this may be too much for you and that's ok.

Right now you're brain is focussing on everything you're not doing instead of telling you that you're making your uni classes, other people are coming to you because you know what you're doing (YANB about people copying from you BTW), your family love you.

Sometimes jut getting out of bed in the morning is an achievement to be celebrated.

Update:

I really am very grateful to everyone for taking the time to reply, and share about your similar experiences. I have emailed my CPN and asked her to ask the consultant to send a request for a prescription to my GP (all very convoluted!) Hopefully that will be sorted quickly and then I will maybe be a nicer person for all the family time at Christmas.

Today I am feeling very strange. Really weird, like nothing is real or I am not real, and like I don't know where I am or who I am (although I actually do, it just feels all unfamiliar). Kind of dazed and lost and out of it, disconnected. My lecturer just spoke to me and asked me if I wanted him to make me a harder Christmas test, just for me, and I just kind of stared at him before remembering to smile vaguely. Does anyone else get these feelings and do you have any ideas of what to do? I want to do some maths which always helps me, and normally I find it all really easy, but today it seems like looking at Russian. I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow back to normal, but if anyone has any ideas, I would really appreciate it. I have tried the grounding stuff (like 5 things you can see etc.) but this makes it worse as it's like being dropped into a dream and the things I see are not familiar to me even though they actually are. So it's really scary trying to look around me etc.

Once again, thanks for your time and I hope you all continue in your recovery

The mood state of being that you describe today sounds like classic disassociation. I get like that when I am really tired/stressed, like my brain backs away from the world and applies a filter. Not very useful for being able to function well but it is a protective state. Not considered psychologically healthy though.