12 year old stealing

[Happy2818]

Really not sure where to go from here... our 12 year old daughter is turning into an incredibly unpleasant person - it's so very sad to see. She regularly shouts and speaks rudely to me, is aggressive (digging her nails in to me, chinese burns). She has no respect for boundaries if I try to limit her screen time, and has now started stealing from us and her brother. When I have tried to give consequences for her behaviour, such as stopping pocket money for a week, she stole money from my purse. I then bought a petty cash tin to keep money in, and she stole the key and helped herself. She recently took some of her brothers possessions which he needed for school, and hid them and shows no remorse whatsoever. I'm really struggling to know how to handle this.

I would be curious about

• how life at home is for her
• anything else that might make her unhappy
• is she neurotypical or might she need an assessment
• has she been impulsive in other areas too eg food, you said she hurts you so I guess that too
• how much positive non-critical attention does she honestly get

I would say talk to the school nurse or GP, or if you think it is home life, seek early help services from social care. Start by finding out the cause, solutions will follow. Good luck, it sounds really tough.

I agree with the previous poster. There is obviously something going on and there must be some clues. My dd can sometimes be really horrible and in her case it’s to do with anxiety. Although she is always apologetic afterwards.

How is your dd st school? That might offer some clues.

Thank you for your replies. It feels really isolating to be in this situation, and far beyond usual teenage angst. She says she is happy at school. She has a lovely group of friends and finds the work fine. She is quite academic.
She has quite controlling behaviours. She has refused to eat the family meal on occasion, for a very minor reason, but will eat a packet of biscuits she will have bought and stowed away in her bedroom using money she has stolen from me. I don’t think she has an eating disorder, as she will eat normally if not in a strop. I think it’s all about control.
She says home is happy at home, but doesn’t like the arguments. I pointed out to her that the only arguments are triggered by her.
I do get exasperated on occasion, but I always try and start each day afresh, and not carry over the previous days issue. This week I’ve made a real point of lots of hugs, telling her I love her, offering to cook a meal if her choice (the previous day she refused to eat the family meal), and making special efforts to give her a lift so she didn’t need to get the bus. It culminated in her stealing her brothers school equipment so he couldn’t do his homework.
We also have a 4 year old who witnesses all this drama, which then becomes his norm. When my daughter was younger it felt like we had such joy and laughter in the house. It honestly makes me feel so sad.
I’m wondering whether to speak to the school or Gp. Would there be any repercussions for her?
Thanks so much for your replies.

How are you displining her for this behaviour now?

It needs to be quite big

I also find that if my dd starts acting out a bit. It’s always down to something bothering her. Like a big group of her fiends recently left her school. Or a teacher she loved left.

Though I would be doing quite massive discipline at this point. Taking all phones etc. No tv. Grounding.

If she has no consequences. She will and has. Continued.

Reading your last post. You also need to get
Tougher. Don’t cook her her favourite meal

If she does t eat. Or won’t eat at the family table. Then she doesn’t eat.

Go in her room. Look for all these busicuits.

Re the money.

Don’t give her any. Don’t give her any access to any. Don’t tell her where any is.

You describe controlling behavior-could she have anxiety? My son is special needs and a lot of his behavioral issues are strictly anxiety based and we have over the years tried many,many medications and some have helped. Could she be experiencing puberty? My son hit puberty at 14 and it was very difficult. Perhaps speaking with her teachers or taking her out somewhere or pulling her aside when your other child is out of house to discuss her behavior would help. If none of this helps perhaps a pediatrician could help? Good luck!

Does she have anxiety or pda? When did behaviour start, was their a trigger?
It sounds like she doesn’t have any discipline, she stole money, the key etc why weren’t they with you?
What repercussions are there, don’t eat so get your favourite meal?! You need to be tougher I think