How to sustain a relationship like this

[Tryingmybest1000]

Posted in realtionships as well but shamelessly looking for responses!

Dh and i have been together 13 years, married 8. One dd, who is nearly 3. Both work full time, me nornal office hours, dh shifts - the majority of which are nights. His is a physically demanding role, mine is mentally demanding. Equal salaries.

Dd in nursery full time, i do majority of nursery runs, and housework as dh is either trying to sleep or just doesn't see what needs doing.

Here's the biggest thing...we have massively different sex drives. He could happily have it 5 times a day and still not be satisfied, i'm happy with once or twice a week.

Last night when dh had had a couple of drinks (i was sober) he told me he felt neglected and that i wasn't interested in him. That we should be doing things more often that if it carries on he will end up resenting me as he feels he's missing out.

I try so hard to make more time for thing's, but we have limited support to help with dd, and i am usually up at 530, by 9pm when everything is done i'm exhausted!

Maybe if he actually did some housework and parenting then you'd be more inclined to have sex with him.

What she said ^^

Yep ^ it's a pity that a lot of men can't see further than their penis and needs isn't it?

Tell him it turns you on to see him do the dishes or the laundry or do a nursery run now and again

Why are you doing everything? Was it like this before you had children?

I have generally done all the housework since we have lived together. But i had a less demanding job then. I got promoted on returning from maternity so i work longer hours than i did before and have more responsibility.

Why have you been doing all the housework?

You need to reset the shitwork balance

"i do majority of nursery runs, and housework as dh is either trying to sleep or just doesn't see what needs doing."
I simply never buy the 'just doesn't see' line. He sees all right. But he also sees it as YOUR job to do because he doesn't WANT to.

I think you have to stand back and see what is going on. Your husband is perfectly happy to work nights and contribute fuck all else to the running of the home. You are his skivvy, his domestic appliance in all of this.

And as for "he told me he felt neglected and that i wasn't interested in him. That we should be doing things more often that if it carries on he will end up resenting me as he feels he's missing out."
That was a threat. Not a complaint, not self-pity - A THREAT. He wants you to skivvy and be his fuck-toy, or ... and the 'or' is just hanging there. I'd guess you're meant to fill in the blank with 'or I will get myself serviced elsewhere by another woman'.

Do NOT let this pass unremarked. You need to have a bloody serious sit-down with him and spell it out to him. He either participates in family life by pulling his weight domestically, or ... he has a long hard think about how his life would be in his parents' spare room own place arranging his life around having 50% care for his three year old.

Frankly, I suspect this threat is based in his sense of entitlement, a sense that has been fed by you doing all the shitwork of householding. That needs to end.

Agreed with PP’s. Unless he is blind or severely near sighted and in need of glasses, he does see the mess but he leaves it because to him, that’s your job. He’s selfish and you have enabled him to be so by doing everything for him. That’s a bigger issue than your differing sex drives imo.

Has your sex drive ever been higher? Are you really not doing it through exhaustion or were you mismatched from the start? I am by no means excusing him from parenting and housework, just wondering if changing that WILL up your drive/desire for him?

Well there you have it. Tell him to pick up the mop.

FYI it's not that he "doesn't see" what needs doing it's that he knows you'll do it so there's no need for him to even give it a single thought.

Honestly, Fuck him! And not literally!