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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

a stranger slapped my butt yesterday and my friends....

65 replies

selepele · 25/11/2018 13:36

think i was over reacting and shouldnt have shouted that it is sexual assault (which it is)

this happened in china town last night around 3 am

guy just walked up to me slapped/grabbed both my cheeks then laughed while walking off

am i wrong to act in a bad way or is this behaviour acceptable these days?

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 25/11/2018 14:11

I don't blame you for being upset - that is not all right at all ... wonder if he'd like it if you'd gone up to him and grabbed his balls (probably would though judging by the type of person he must be!!)

Wordthe · 25/11/2018 14:12

To this day I regret not going off on one at him
do not berate yourself for your response, the whole intention is to disarm you so that you cant respond, it's an ambush and of course it is very difficult to gather yourself sufficiently and respond in a way that seems fitting
the response that seems fitting is a full force punch in the face, that's what he'd get if he randomly assaulted people who were much larger than him and able to easily physically overpower him
and thats why he attacks a woman, many women instinctively will not use force against a man unless it's a last self defense option.

(I am not advocating violence, I find it abhorrent)

sollyfromsurrey · 25/11/2018 14:19

I can not believe the number of people saying it is no biggie. SERIOUSLY??? He squeezed and slapped her bottom. What if it was her boobs? What if he put his hand between her legs and squeezed there? What if a woman or man went up and squeezed and whacked a man's penis? What is it about butts that makes you think it is ok? WTF is wrong with you people?

Ceecee18 · 25/11/2018 14:22

sollyfromsurrey

Literally one poster has said it was acceptable. Everyone else has said it's not acceptable.

DeaflySilence · 25/11/2018 14:24

"In the great scheme of things, is it that important? You should have run after him, and smacked his bum!"

@Singlenotsingle I don't mean to be challenging, I really do want to know, but where "In the great scheme of things" would you personally draw the line between what is "that important" and what is not?

To give some examples, over time, I have had my ankle grabbed by a stranger while I was walking up some stairs in a public place; I have had my bum slapped by a stranger while I was walking in a public place; I have had my bum pinched by a stranger while I was walking in a public place; I have my breast squeezed by a stranger while I was walking in a public place; I have my breast squeezed by a stranger while I was standing in a contained public place; I have my upper thigh, towards my crotch, stroked by a stranger while I was standing in a contained public place. I'll end my examples there, but could give more.

Can I ask, where, if at all, would you draw the line (among these examples) between what is "that important" and what is not, @Singlenotsingle?

WinterfellWench · 25/11/2018 14:24

I would have fucking knocked him out. Cheeky cunt.

How DARE any man - or person - grope someone's arse? Or ANY part of them without their permission?

Anyone who says it's OK is a disgrace. It's not.

YANBU OP. Your friends are eejits if they think it's OK!

Sparklesocks · 25/11/2018 14:26

Horrible, and people like single allow men to think they can get away with it by playing it down as a bit of fun. It isn’t.

KayM2 · 25/11/2018 14:29

I think it should be called out; this was sexual assault.

A greyer area is the way some men think they are allowed to " take one's arm" and to touch. arm round the back, etc. Older , middle class, self confident men. They may not mean any harm, but it is not on.

This sense of entitlement is deep rooted. I now tend to simply , firmly, say; " don't touch me". If they say anything in their defence, I tend to say that women don't like it, but are usually too polite to say anything. I am a rude old cow , so I DO"

(The irony is that I used to be a man , and though I did not do it,. I did not realise how unwelcome it often is. All part of my education.)

Cambalamb · 25/11/2018 14:30

I agree he was totally wrong but I also know this has happened to me in the past on a night out by a 'merry' male and I felt no malice. I'm late 40s so I think the world has changed a lot. To me it's all about intent, mood, context etc. You had every right to call him out on it though.

pigsDOfly · 25/11/2018 14:32

No you didn't over react.

I'm shocked that your friends think being sexually assaulted by a stranger when on a night out is somehow to be expected and almost acceptable.

Perhaps you need some new, more supportive, sensible friends.

Hope you're feeling okay now.

JellieEllie · 25/11/2018 14:32

I think you were well within your rights to shout that out yes.
When I was younger (late teens early twenties) I specifically remember being stood at a bar in a club waiting for a drink and some bloke came up behind me went between my legs with his hand and groped my fanny. It was disgusting and I turned around and slapped him and told him to fuckoff. I probably should have mentioned it to the bouncers but I didn't.
It wasn't acceptable back then and it still isn't now.

Limpetry · 25/11/2018 14:32

In the great scheme of things, is it that important?

Only if you think sexual assault isn't important 'in the great scheme of things'. Hmm

Of course you didn't over-react, OP. One time someone did this, I froze and got away, as I was by myself and the guy was with a gang of beery young men. And I feel strongly that no one should castigate themselves for doing this.

The second time, a decade or more later, a guy leaned out and grabbed my ass from behind, from the seat of a pedalrickshaw (pedestrian area of a city, weekend night), I saw red, swung my fist and caught him right on the nose, which made a satisfying crunch. For which I do not feel one bit apologetic.

Aridane · 25/11/2018 14:35

Get new friends?

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/11/2018 14:36

@sollyfromsurrey are you reading a different thread?! One poster said it was no big deal and everyone else laid into her.

DoctorTwo · 25/11/2018 14:38

In the great scheme of things, is it that important?

Yes of course it fucking is. It's appalling how prevalent this type of sexual assault seems to be. I suggest you have a look at Everyday Sexism to see how this affects women adversely.

JacquesHammer · 25/11/2018 14:43

In the great scheme of things, is it that important?

Actually, coming back to this. I’m not really a fan of saying “oh we shouldn’t enable men to behave badly”.

BUT, this sort of shit (whether from a woman or a man) absolutely does. You’re basically saying it’s fine to grab someone intimately without their consent. What else is ok “in the grand scheme of things?”.

Every time, EVERY TIME a man tries to get away with this shit, women should feel able and supported to call him out on it.

skybluee · 25/11/2018 14:44

I wonder how that man would feel if a man (or gay man with obvious sexual intent) had done that to him. How it's acceptable for him to react.

Someone did this to me once in a bar. I turned and threw my drink in his face (possibly not the best reaction).

I don't understand how the fuck someone thinks it's ok to walk up to a stranger and grab both of their butt cheeks. Knowing nothing about them or the effect it could have on them. Stupid idiots. I wish they could experience what it's like, even for one day, to walk in fear of people assaulting you. To have to try and assess peoples motives on car parks etc.

I don't think you over-reacted. It isn't OK for people to behave like this.

daisychain01 · 25/11/2018 14:46

It's all very well saying call them out but if they suddenly decide to get nasty and pull out a knife - which is highly likely this day and age - then you could very right but very dead.

Don't be a hero if it puts your life in danger on the streets of London at 3 am.

BewareOfDragons · 25/11/2018 14:48

Of course it's not ok, and anyone who says it isn't a big deal is seriously misguided. Women are not objects to be pawed at when it suits men. Both men and women need to stand up to this kind of shitty, abusive behaviour.
It is sexual assault and it should be called out ever single time.

KayM2 · 25/11/2018 14:49

daisychain01; very true.

paintinmyhairAgain · 25/11/2018 14:49

for what it'sworth, have reported single. sexual assaultis not trivial or a laugh

Limpetry · 25/11/2018 14:52

I agree that women should feel supported to object vocally if sexually assaulted, but also that there should never be a climate of them feeling that they've done something wrong if they freeze on the spot. Ideally, of course, they would feel supported by their friends and passersby to react assertively, but as the OP's friends' response suggests, people including some women still minimise street assault and you can't assume other people will take it seriously or intervene on your behalf, unfortunately.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 25/11/2018 14:52

But many people think it is

I don’t think people should have there posts deleted rather they should be challenged

Sadly I know many people who wouldn’t think it is much of an issue

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 25/11/2018 14:53

*their posts

ravenmum · 25/11/2018 14:54

Were the friends female? I assumed male.