To no tell my DP I'm bi?

[Shybi]

I have, in the last couple of years accepted that I am bisexual or pansexual. I fancy people not their sex.
I had a couple of encounters with women before I got together with my DP but I have been with him for 15 years now.

I am not going to be unfaithful to my DP so what is the point of sharing this with my DP if any?
The thing is I often fantasise about women when we are having sex and almost always when I'm on my own so I feel I'm keeping a big secret.
Can anyone help with these feelings or does anyone else feel similar?

Just keep it to yourself. Lest said soonest mended.

As someone who has had relationships with both men and women but am now happily married to a man i don't really see the point in bringing it up. Unless you are planning on trying to do something about it then it makes no difference to anything. Your DP is likely to either see it as an indication you plan on pursuing it which is gonna make him insecure and that's not fair or he might find it titillating, which has the potential to be kinda gross.

Does it really matter ? As long as you love and are attracted to your husband ? Fantasies are just that.

It doesn’t matter, if you’re planning on staying with your DP you won’t be having any new partners of either sex anyway.

Up to you. I dont see the point in lying, but if it never comes up in conversation and you never talk about sex stuff then thats up to you.
Im bi and my partner knows. I dont think i could have a relationship with someone i couldnt be honest with.

To me, being bi is part of who I am, it's part of my identity. I've been with DH for 17 years, he knows what my orientation is even though actually it doesn't make any difference. I'm certainly not planning to leave him for a woman, but equally I don't want to hide part of myself.

I’ve never really understood the whole pan sexual thing. Most people are attracted to the person not the sex. I’m straight. I don’t fancy all men because they happen to be blokes.

Mr Noodle doesn't know about my bisexuality or that I've had sex with women. I don't consider it part of my identity and I don't feel defined by it any more than say, the fact that I've had sex with both black and white men for example.

It doesn't matter and it doesn't change my relationship. I don't for a minute think he'd feel any different toward me if I did tell him but I don't see the value in sharing it.

MrNC knows about my female exes, even met a couple of them. The odd bit of banter about which women on telly we'd go for is rather entertaining, but that's as significant as it gets. I'd hate to feel like I couldn't mention an ex when they might naturally come up in conversation.

i think if you have no desire to cheat with a woman there is no point sharing it and could cause more damage then good

I can’t see what the problem is with telling him if he’s a decent person. It doesn’t make any difference to your relationship if you fancy, say, Megan Fox as well as Brad Pitt or whoever.

I’m not sure I’d tell him about the fantasies though, only because he might be a bit put out that you’re not solely thinking of how amazing he is during sex. I think a lot of men would be disappointed if their partner was fantasising about other people during sex with them, male or female.

It also depends on what he’s like as a person though. My husband knows I’m bi. No problem as he is too. But my ex decided a) this meant I was going to cheat on him with every woman I met and b) I was totally up for having a threesome. He was a dickhead all round though.

Assuming your husband is a kind, understanding man, I think it would be a shame to hide this part of yourself. It’s still part of who you are, even if you’re never going to sleep with a woman

Have I read it right that you've been with current DP for 15 years? If so I would have thought you're about 14 years 10 months too late telling him aren't you? Of what significance is it now?

If it's bothering you and you're feeling that you're keeping something from him I would be honest with him. Being bi is a part of your identity and just because you're in a straight relationship doesn't mean it's any less part of who you are. There is such a thing as bi-erasure, so personally I would ignore anyone saying that unless you're going to cheat on him with a woman or sleep with a woman it's irrelevant. I don't think it is irrelevant at all.

Why tell him after 15 years? Or was that a typo and you mean 5 months?

I would want to know if my partner had had dalliances with men in the past but there we go.

Society is intrinsically biphobic. I have never told anyone my sexuality unless they were also bi.

Why tell him after 15 years? Or was that a typo and you mean 5 months?

I don't think I really considered I was in the beginning. I think I've only started fantasising/fancying women more in the last few years.
Could it be that I've changed my preference or perhaps I'm bored? I know only I can answer this but I was wondering what others thought.
I suppose it doesn't matter and I probably won't say anything but I do feel as PP said that this is part of who I am and since we share everything else it feels like I'm lying.

@cherries101 same. I dont even really tell my lesbian friends. Not very many people know, but my partner is one of the ones that does know, because we know all about each others sexualities, and kinks and interests. It would be weird to not tell him that

When I masturbate I fantasise about my work colleague. Every damn time. For years now. The way I see it, it’s private and my partner has no right to this information. I am not lying about anything. He is not under threat. I just have different fantasisies which are none of his business. I wouldn’t tell him. He doesn’t need to know, unless you are planning on an open relationship.

Let's put this business of your sexuality aside. Is the relationship generally happy, honest and healthy? Do you communicate openly and enjoy intimacy with each other? I ask because of your last post in which you question whether or not you are bored.

Relationships, especially long term ones such as yours do go through the motions where at times it can feel as though you're more or less room mates and the spark as it were has gone. But that is not a permanent state. Do you love him but just not 'in love' with him?

Frankly that he doesn't know you are bi after a decade and a half together is itself an oddity. But that you are questioning whether you've changed your preference is another thing altogether and needs to be addressed a great deal deeper than the question of whether or not you should tell him you are bi. It seems to me that you might be misguidedly trying to reignite a missing spark.

Actually @VladimirsPoutine makes a really good point. I’ve been with my partner for 20 years, he knows I’m bisexual or at the least generally just attracted to people rather than genitalia. I do wonder if this has only been a thing in the last couple of years whether it’s symptomtic of underlying boredom or discontent (with sex at Leo).

DH knows I'm bi and has since early on. It's made no difference to anything, except if I see an attractive woman I can comment on it. I'd never have wanted to keep it a secret from him.

VladimirsPoutine
Wise words that has given me something to think about