Wedding photo

[thegreendogg]

AIBU?

Been with my partner for 10 year's, lived together for 8. He's been divorced for 12 years. He has 4 kids, I have 1.

We have been through absolute shit with the kids and his ex wife. I've nearly had a breakdown, suffered from terrible stress and nearly left my partner because of it many times. Court cases, police, stopping of contact, changes of residency and somehow trying to both work and deal with all this as well as having 5 kids to look after, 4 of which are pretty emotionally damaged.....

Partners Dad and second wife (he was a widower as my partners Mum died many years ago) are aware of all of this and have supported my partner to various degrees.

Partners Dad and step Mum are now moving into a little bungalow and are transforming the place. It is now nearly finished and we went and had a look round today.

Imagine my surprise to see my partners wedding photo on the wall in pride of place in the lounge.

My partner says nothing to them, I however, bring it up and ask why it is there (I also had my step daughter with me, so had to be tactful). The answer? Because it is a photo that has my partners Mum in it. He must have lots of photo's of his ex wife that aren't the wedding photo of his son and ex wife?

Obviously not a single photo of me in the place or my son. All our kids are grown up now so it's not as if they are going to be upset not to see a photo of Mummy in Grandads house.

It’s not your house. It’s a photo of a happy family moment with his now dead first wife, his child and the mother of his grandchildren.

There are fights worth having but I don’t see how this photo is worth worrying about

It is a piece of their collective family history, and clearly isn't 'about' the wedding, more the fact it was a happy memory involving the deceased mother

I think it would look petty to continue with this - the man is allowed to remember his deceased wife however he jolly well chooses, he doesn't need your permission

I cant see anyway in which you did that tactfully and without being seen as petty and very insecure. And to do it in front of your SD had amazed me.

They had a life before you and if you carry on they'll have one without you.

It's not your partner displaying the photo, it's his dad and I actually think he's perfectly reasonable to do so. It's a photo of him with his deceased wife, his done and the mother of his grandchildren. Ignore it.

Perhaps the wedding day was a day that your partners mum treasured and is therefore special for them. After all he did go on to have 4 kids with his ex wife!! His ex wife is still the mother of their grandchildren and therefore part of their family. Yes YABU.

Its not his ex wife it's his much loved first wife who passed away. If his current wife is happy with it then no reason for you not to be. Its from a different time in their life.

His house, his choice. YABU and it was rude to question him and doing so in front of the child's mother was awful.

I don't have pictures of family members latest gfs/bfs around the house so that's not unusual either.

The new partner of your FIL doesn't mind a photo up in her house of her partners dead wife? That's pretty big of her surely?

It's tactless but to be honest I wouldn't care what pictures my DP's family display, even if his ex wife was in them.

Hmmm. My parents wouldn't display a photo of my ex. However there is no death and no children and no wedding so not directly comparable... On balance it's a bit off, but I don't think I would say anything

Greatduck she's probably not a jealous petty woman who appreciates that as adults we all have past relationships etc.

She wont mind that her partners children and grandchildren can look at the picture and see how they loved each other and how happy they were. Also that it has absolutely no bearing on her relationship with him and his family now.

And to be jealous of a family photograph showing a deceased family member would say more about her than the person displaying it.

YABU. ex DIL is still his family. Shes the mother of his grandchildren. Your partner brought her into the family and they (i presume) welcomed and loved her, that doesnt switch off when he divorces her. Also surely its good for those children to see grandad still loves their mother.

However I think its a bit tactless to not have a photo of you and your son. I think TABU on this score. Youve been together a long time and should be shown the same courtesy his ex was. That bits rude. But its also up to your DH to stand up for his new family and ask where the photo is.

Thanks for all the replies.

Just a couple more things to add;

They hate ex DIL, she has been horrid to them including telling them what ineffective and useless grandparents they are, how she never wants to see them again. They haven't spoken to her in at least 9 years and she ignores them if she sees them in the street.

DP father and second wife were having an affair which had been going on for sometime when DP Mum died.

There is already a photo of DP Mum in the room in DP Sister's wedding photo, so a red herring to say he wants DP wedding photo up so he has a photo of his first wife as there is already one in the room.

I won't say anymore and I have already gone 10 years without saying anything.

Their house, their choices.

I would not be happy about it but I wouldn't have tackled them about it.

You have not gone ten years without saying something, you said something as soon as you saw it even though your SD was there.

I highly doubt this is the first time you just had to mention something.

have read a very similar story on here before, be rest assured it happens, but it is their home and their choice. you are not really in a position to rell them what they can can't display.
10 years not saying anything, really ?

Given that your FIL's second wife has no problem with photos of her Dh's first wife, I can see why it didn't occur to them not to rehang it in their new home.

If they dislike your Dp's ex it obviously isn't being done to upset you. I do understand why it would irk you but it is a treasured record of a family event before you or DP's SM were around.

I think from ops update she meant the pic has been up at their previous address(es) for the ten years she has been with dp but she has only mentioned it because they have recently moved and the photo has been put back up,whereas maybe it was just up out of habit so to speak at the old address.
I'm surprised that fil has still put it on display after all he and his son have both been in different long term relationships to the ones on the picture. Surely he could have a pic of his late wife on show that didn't include her on a wedding photo of his son marrying a now divorced dil that he is n/c with and dislikes by all accounts.

I don't think many people would be happy seeing a photo of their partner and his ex wife who has caused everyone so much misery over the years, hanging in their parent in law's house! It is really weird. Why would they want that photo up there?!