Who is being unreasonable here?

[Originalnaya]

I was put on new project at work, with new team and new boss. Very early on it became apparent he was impatient, got frustrated easily and had little time to explain things - explanations were always partial, didn’t always make sense to me and there was a language barrier issue also.

He was very big on me constantly asking questions, despite the fact task was brand new to me. From my perspective, it is difficult to ask questions on something to which you have very little context on anyway. It would have been far more efficient had he given me some basic background on each item first. It felt like a test - he would send me document with no context and then a couple of days later (when the working relationship had almost become untenable - he was condescending/movinggoal posts/lack of clear guindance), I broke down and asked what those documents actually meant ie what have you provided me here. And his response was, that was exactly the kind of question I wanted from you!! It all felt engineered as part of a process to make him look big and me look small.

Five weeks down the line, the finished product is complete and he has no issues with it. Yet he wouldn’t rate me “more than a 2” out of 5 and had absolutely nothing nice or constructive to say about any of my work. At all. When I defended myself slightly, by saying firstly that it would have been more helpful if he had raised any performance/mismatch of style issues a couple of weeks in so we could have resolved them, and also said that asking questions was hard with no context/when surrounded by senior people in a tiny room and constantly being faced with his frustration, his reply was that I just seemed to be giving excuses to all his statements.

I have been struggling to sleep because of this and have been working weekends etc to make time up because I am so stressed at work. I feel completely thrown under the bus. Added to this, he sent me a message on a dating site (!) a couple of weeks ago to which I haven’t replied as I thought it was unprofessional. I don’t know if this contributed to the decline in our working relationship. Any advice would be much welcome as I feel like this is a stain on my reputation.

Bump

Personally I would be raising that sort of behaviour as borderline harassment/bullying given you have already tried to have a conversation with him about it.
Are you likely to stay in his team now it's complete?

I’d be raising it along with the dating site message. Not ok.

The devil is in the detail, isn't it OP? And the detail was left right til the end! He sent you a message on a dating site and you ignored it! Quite right too, but he's punishing you, isn't he? Wtf! Can you not appeal the grade and take your appeal above his head to his manager? It won't improve your relationship with him but it will show him that he's been rumbled.

The project is almost finished and he is only part time on the team now. We are very unlikely to work together again as we are from different offices and in different teams. However a very senior person from my own office (who I may work with again) saw many of our interactions and will be receiving my feedback from this man. His impression of my work will be directly based on this man’s comments. I want to speak to him about it (to clear my name) but unsure how - he is nice, but doesn’t want trouble in his team and seems the type to do anything for a chilled life...

Didn't you post about this a short while back; it's some sort of grad scheme and it's financial related or similar?

I would seek to go above him and talk to someone about the sheer and utter stress it has caused you. His behaviour is not/was not conducive to the success of the project and actively sought to undermine your skills as an employee and your self-worth.

Screen shot the message on the dating site if you are crystal clear it's him. Put that one in your back pocket for when you really have to turn the knife.

Re. The dating site. We both “liked” each other on it in the first few days of the project so I feel equally culpable ie think matching on Tinder. However I left it and he didn’t. I’m really unsure whether to bring it up and it seems to be making a mountain out of a molehill. And he is correct, I was inefficient and I did rush my work in the last couple of weeks - however in my mind this had everything to do with the extremely stressful working environment and breakdown of our working relationship

Yes I have posted about it - he’s made my life utter hell for the past few weeks

I'd seriously consider reporting him to HR. What you describe is completely unacceptable. Some of it may be subjective and some might be difficult to prove but the contact on the dating site would have his arse out the door in any organisation worth working for.

Who ‘liked’ the other one first?

I think it depends on whether his negetive feedback about you will have any lasting repercussions for your career. If you’ve got a good rep and track record in general and you work in a place where people move around and work with different people all the time then a clash of personalities is probably fairly common and I expect HR and the senior staff don’t take it too seriously.
If you think it could have consequences for your future career then I would raise it with HR and whoever is the senior staff member with responsibility for you. I would probably go about it in a ‘I don’t feel I have performed well on this project and here is what I struggled with’ kind of way, rather than going in guns blazing about this guy and his behaviour.

He “liked” me first, but this is impossible to tell unless you also “like” someone back. In the first few days of the project, I pressed like, saw he also liked me and then I left it.

Did you know he was your boss when you 'liked' him?

Does your company do 360 feedback? You know where you get to comment on his management skills.

Purple: I had an inkling but dismissed anything else from my mind once it became clear he liked me back. My workplace is very young and he is only four years older than me so it didn’t seem heinously inappropriate. I decided to focus, carry on with job at hand and block it from my mind.

Cottontail: only if it’s specifically requested by them. So I’m sure in this case it won’t be.

I have an informal meeting with my (female) mentor tomorrow and I’m wondering if I should bring things up then. I’m wary of seeming incompetent or like I’m making excuses though.

I would raise it but in a constructive way, eg I struggled with this working relationship and would like advice on how to deal with the situation better in the future. You could gauge from your mentor’s reaction whether to take it further more formally or not.

I’m confused by the dating site thing - if you both liked each other than I can’t see that he behaved inappropriately. But was there another message? What did that say?

Yes definitely raise it with your mentor, this is exactly what they are there for. Ask her how she would advise you to go about the situation - she will know the internal politics and will be able to advise much better than us.

Thanks everyone. Re dating site, he messaged me after (in his native language) with a random comment saying how nice it was we had matched. I didn’t reply.

As someone who line manages people I agree the tinder / online dating thing is a factor and you should raise it.

It may not be what you want to hear but...
it is bizarre to me that you received a document you didn't understand then sat on it for a few days and said nothing...
I would read it and email back asking for 30 mins 1 to 1 to review the docs and discuss next steps. I'd expect even junior members in my team to do the same.

From the mentor's POV, the fact he is messaging you in an online dating capacity and had nothing positive to say works in your favor, but I don't think you've covered yourself in glory here either. I get the huffing and arseholery on his part is annoying and maybe I am mega no nonsense but i'd have been pro-active and pinned him down at the onboarding stage and throughout the project.

Definitely fight your corner on this and if his "rating" has any official bearing I would be challenging it right now and giving (unsolicited) feedback on him.
Good luck!

Trojan: that is absolutely fair enough. I was dealing with this document amongst other things in my day to day work though, and it was difficult to pin him down for a chat. By this point I was also absolutely stressed out of my mind with his demands and demeanour, and not being efficient myself work-wise. I am not really sure I have any recompense in that regard though, granted.

That gives it more context, I can imagine when you are in the thick of it and being head wrecked from all sides all sense can/does go out the window. I do think he sounds like hard work and a bit bananas btw
As I said while it's not as clean cut as you'd ideally like, I do believe the overall balance tips in your favour. I was coming at it more from the perspective that you need to think about the angles they'll come at it from when you challenge this. They will likely go into the details and you'll need not get derailed and stay focused on his shortcomings, not yours.

He kindly informed me at my feedback meeting that he had a list of my shortcomings.

The disappointing thing is, is that I know I didn’t perform to my potential and indeed probably gave him reason to believe that I wasn’t good at my job. Other points he may well bring up are that I said I understood things when I didn’t. This is true, I hold my hands up to it, causing him to get more frustrated when a task wasn’t complete or there was a misunderstanding. But I feel like the whole process was incredibly inefficient and there was just a real breakdown in the working relationship.

To be honest and I really feel for you as soon after I graduated I found myself in a very similar position and ended up resigning if for nothing then to save my mental state.

You won't come out of this looking particularly well. Whatever the outcome of this it will leave a sour taste. Do you think you can 'hack it' in other words if you explain everything to your mentor just to get it off your chest - though they might be understanding it still doesn't really resolve the issue.

You also need to be armed with what you can/will do to prevent these circumstances from arising in the future. By that I don't mean resolving to not swipe on your colleagues but how you will approach colleagues to seek clarification and assistance rather than 'sitting' on things. What methods of QA you'll utilise to ensure your work is up to standard... that sort of thing.

I agree. Whatever happens, I look like the incompetent one I fear. Yes, I have learnt some important lessons: probably most importantly, to be assertive and speak up, to have a method of addressing new tasks and not feel intimidated by poor management! To keep a paper trail of things, documenting encounters, to show I have done all I can when dealing with a task. To not let things get to this stage before resolving them.

Is it worth telling my mentor the whole story?

I think you have to play it by ear. It depends how it goes the extent to which you should divulge everything or not.
Though she might be your mentor and an empathetic ear, you still very much have to sound her out.

I said I understood things when I didn’t
presumably other witnesses will have seen/heard this?
Even if they didnt, this is not good.

I agree with VladmirsPoutine I'd tread v carefully here.
How long have you been at the company?