To be worried I won't be a good mum?

[CaptainUnderpants96]

Hi all,

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant with my first, very much planned for and wanted baby.

I have PCOS and was told at 18 that it would be very hard for me to conceive, and I've also had two miscarriages (one very early and one at 12 weeks) so to be honest when I had another positive test in my hand back in June I didn't quite believe it. It's only now I'm 25 weeks and feeling her kick and squirm that it's sunk in I'll almost certainly be bringing a baby home at the end of this!

I am delighted and cannot wait, but I'm also terrified that I'll mess up. I'm the youngest in my family and have exactly 0 experience with babies. Never even held one. No clue how to bathe a baby or wind them or, well, anything really.

Also, to be honest I've never been a particularly maternal person. Always wanted children (but never thought I would have them) but I don't gush over babies and am pretty awkward around children. I have no idea what to say to them!

All of this has culminated in me worrying that I won't be a good mum to my little girl when she's born in March. Did anyone else feel the same way when expecting their first? I'm so excited but also terrified!

The fact that you're worrying about this suggests that you are going to be a brilliant Mum. None of us really know what we doing anyway, we only do the best we can. Keep your baby girl fed, clean and show her you love her and you can't go far wrong.

Congratulations!

I think most people feel this way to some extent, I was terrified of not knowing what to do/how to look after my baby etc.

But you do kinda learn on the job, and there should be lots of support from midwives/health visitors in the early stages.

Do you have any friends with babies/young children you could spend some time with? To be honest, I'm still quite rubbish with other people's kids, but it's different with your own.

At the end of the day, most of us are winging it, you'll be fine

I think there’d be something wrong with anyone who didn’t worry about being inadequate at some point during their pregnancy! Sounds very normal to me, and parenting your own baby is so different to being around anyone else’s that I’m not sure prior experience makes much difference anyway.

So, my advice would be to feel reassured that you’re normal, to see if you can start building a network of supportive mums with similar attitudes to you who you can message when things are tricky (saves your sanity and doesn’t make you panic about ‘doing it wrong’ like the wretched books do!), and to rest easy in the knowledge that mums have been making it up as they go along since the beginning of time, mostly very successfully! Really, as long as babies are cleaned up when they get wet/shitty, fed when they’re hungry, cuddled a lot and kept warm and safe, you’re onto a winner. They get more complicated as you get more confident so it’s quite well designed. And talk to your midwife if the anxiety feels overwhelming; she’s trained to help.

Congratulations, too. We had a long and fairly complicated road to pregnancy too so I can relate to it all feeling a bit surreal and like something that happens to other people but motherhood is the best thing that’s happened to me and is so much more fun/fulfilling than I expected.

but I don't gush over babies and am pretty awkward around children.

I'm the same OP but honestly it's so so different when it's your own. DD is 6 weeks now and I wasn't prepared for how much I would love her! It's knocked my socks off!

You will be great and you'll understand what I mean soon. Once you feel that love the rest will just come to you.

You’ll be surprised what comes naturally when babe arrives. Many congratulations!!

I'm genuinely not bothered by other people's children and actually find them a bit irritating, but have two of my own and love the bloody bones of them!
Nobody knows what they're doing! You can read all the books in the world and it still won't prepare you. Take one day at a time, and enjoy getting to know the tiny human you have created.

Thanks all! I guess it's pretty normal to feel all at sea when this little human suddenly falls into your lap

I had my first at 19, was in no way maternal no experience with babies and was panicking like crazy!

Literally from the second he was placed on my chest I was in complete amazement by him and everything he did and naturally all the other stuff just fell into place because you naturally feel very overprotective. To be fair a lot of the "baby care" is quite straight forward and you just kind of learn by your mistakes (like not packing enough baby grows etc.) the midwives and health visitors visit like crazy for the first few weeks so there is always someone to ask for those niggly questions you have.

I'm still not fussed by other people's babies to be fair, and don't long for another at all but watching your own child grow is amazing!

I cried on my way home from hospital with my first as I thought I wouldn't be good enough so I think it's probably normal

have exactly 0 experience with babies. Never even held one. No clue how to bathe a baby or wind them or, well, anything really.

DH and I were the same.

And then we had twins.
I remember loads of people saying “you’ve never changed a nappy?” with shocked faces all through our pregnancy.

After our babies were born I wondered what they’d all been fussing about. Changing a nappy is not hard

Genuinely. Not difficult at all.
A bit smelly but hardly rocket science.

Get yourself to an NCT class and make friends with other new Mums for a support network.

The hospital demonstrates how to change and bath your baby after they are born.

Again - bathing a baby is not hard. Slippery but not hard.

Things like winding depend on the child. DH and I used to quietly smile to ourselves because both grandmas used different winding techniques, and made a big deal about how this was the “best” way.

We didn’t actively wind our babies when alone with them as the sis their burbs just as quickly as when winded.

Being a good parent is not about changing nappies etc.

Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. We’re all mostly winging it, as soon as you know what you are doing they grow and you are back to winging it again.

You’ll be a super Mum I’m sure. You’ll learn as the baby grows. You don’t have to be perfect on day one or day 101.

I can't say I worried I wasn't going to be a good mum, lots of my friend's had already had kids so I was fully aware everyone wings it. I don't particularly like other people's kids (if I'm honest) and I'm a bit rubbish at playing/interacting with other people's baby's too BUT with my own kids I'm am great and love them like nothing else.

Everyone is clueless at the start, you just learn as you go, don't panic!

Hey OP!
I was diagnosed with PCOS at 17, I eventually managed to get pregnant at 26, I was never really maternal either, i think now it was like a defence thing, because I thought I would never have a baby I refused to let myself like them
When pregnant I had the same worries you do, and I realise it sounds silly but honestly everything just comes to you, look at local antenatal classes,mummy baby groups, we enjoyed baby massage and sensory! Great for new mums and babies!
I now have a 4year old DD and its honestly been the making of me, I wish you well for the next 15weeks(ish)